Finding My Way (Beaumont 4)

“He,” Harrison corrects me and it takes me a minute to realize that the baby is a boy.

“He.” I nod. I can do this with Harrison. I can play along. “Is he yours?”

Harrison reaches out and touches the baby’s foot, wiggling it back and forth. I lean forward, wanting to see his reaction. There’s a light in his eyes that I’ve never seen before. Harrison admires the baby in front of him and the reaction he gets. The baby squeaks causing Harrison to smile. I’ve never even held a baby, let alone looked at one up close. He’s tiny and all arms and legs. He doesn’t have much hair and his head is cone shaped. It sort of reminds me of that Conehead movie that Dan Akroyd made back in the 80’s. I just want him to say the baby is his so my heart can stop pounding. If he tells me this is Sam’s baby I think I might jump off a cliff. I’m not ready to be a father.

“Mom says he looks like me, but I don’t know. I don’t remember the girl or the night.”

“So she just showed up?”

He nods and the baby starts to fuss. I sit back, waiting for Mrs. James to come running, but she doesn’t. Harrison picks up the baby and holds him to his chest. My mouth drops open in amazement as his little baby turns his head into Harrison neck. I feel like I’m invading his privacy by watching, but I can’t help it. I wanted this at one time, with my girl. It’s hard to admit that now, that I knowingly had sex with her without using a condom, but I did. I was desperate to stay. I wanted her to tell me to stay and if she had, I would’ve. I turn away when Harrison leans down and kisses this little boy… his son on the head. It’s too personal and I don’t deserve to be a part of it.

“I answered the door and thought, wow what a hot little surprise for me. She had a sweet ass body, but she was carrying the car seat I was confused from the get-go, but I let her in. She told me that we met at a show and she was backstage. She said we went to the bar and she bought me a drink. Thing is, now that I’ve been thinking about it, I vaguely remember someone spending the night, but I couldn’t tell you who and she’s someone I would’ve remembered. And now this little guy is here. It’s been three days and she hasn’t come back yet.”

“I can’t even think of a show we did nine months ago.”

“Alicia – that’s her name – she said it was ten months ago, but I don’t know. I’ll have to get a blood test and all that shit.”

I think back to ten-months ago and come up blank. That time in my life is buried deep because I want to forget everything.

“So what are you going to do?”

Harrison bends his knees and places the baby on his lap. He touches every part of him that’s not covered with clothes. Part of me wants to hold him, but he’s so tiny and fragile, I’m afraid I’d break him. Besides, I wouldn’t know what to do, but Harrison does. He seems like a natural. His mom must be a miracle worker if he’s already that comfortable.

“I’m going to keep him until I know for sure. Mom says he’s mine. She can feel it. I need to be straight with you. If you’re not into this whole band thing anymore, I get it, but I have to be serious, especially if this little guy is mine. I watched my mom struggle with raising Yvie and me and I won’t do that if I can help it. My apartment is a shit-hole, I have a crack dealer living next door to me and my car is a piece of shit. I need to provide better for my son. So you and I are going to either get our asses into the studio now and make something of ourselves, or I need to find another gig.”

I’m a bit taken aback by his words, but he’s right and I couldn’t agree more. I came to L.A. to make something of myself and as of now I haven’t done jack shit. It’s time to piss or get off the pot. “Does he have a name?”

“I’m calling him Quinn.”

I nod. “I like that, Quinn James, rocker in the making.”

Harrison laughs, shaking his head. “I don’t care what he does as long as he’s happy.” And yours I want to add.

Mrs. James appears with a bottle in her hand and it’s like Quinn already knows. He fusses a little bit, but Harrison is on it. I marvel at how attentive he is, especially with not knowing if the baby is his or not. Harrison holds him up and kisses him on the nose before handing him to his mom. The look on her face, when she holds him, is priceless. I take my phone out and snap a picture. It’s a memory that I want to keep and maybe someday look back at it and think of what my grandma would’ve looked like if she had held me in her arms.

“You boys go on, little Quinn and I are going to have some lunch and take a nap before Auntie Yvie comes over to play.” Mrs. James sits down, holding Quinn in her arms. There’s an ache in my heart knowing that my grandmother and even my mother will never have a moment like this.

“Mrs. James, can I hold him before you stick that thing in his mouth?”

She looks up with nothing but pure elation on her face, nodding. I sit down next to her and wait.

“Hold your arms like this.” Harrison demonstrates the proper way to hold a baby.

“Dude,” I say, laughing. He shrugs, clearly loving what’s happened to him in these past few days.

Quinn is placed in my arms and the first thing I notice is how light he is. He’s also warm and squirmy. He makes these little sounds each time he moves and I’m assuming that’s okay otherwise either his dad or grandma would take him from me.

“Hi, Quinn,” I say softly, wondering if he can hear me. I reach out and touch his little hand, only to have him grab a hold of my finger.

“Such a sweet boy,” Mrs. James coos as she rubs his head.

I’ve been in love before, but what I’m feeling now is completely different. Quinn is bringing something out in me that I didn’t know existed. I know he’s not mine, but I don’t want to let him down.

“I think Harrison and I need to get to work, Mrs. James.” I reluctantly let him go. As soon as he’s out of my arms I realize that I’ll be a staple in this household because this little boy just gave me something to work for.

Chapter 43

Three Years since Beaumont