“Josie…”
Josie sighs and leans forward. “I love you like a sister, but I think your mind is clouded here. I believe in my heart that he’s been faithful to you and the girls. Why would he move here if he was with Alicia? Think about it, Katelyn, her story doesn’t match up to what we know. I wish I was thinking clearly when she was telling us her story because I would’ve called her out on the crap, but I was shocked, just like you. But now that I’ve had time to think about it, and we know about everything that Sam has done, I have no doubt it was a set-up to hurt Harrison, and it did just that. Just don’t let it continue to hurt both of you.”
I pick up my napkin and dab my eyes. I don’t know why I’m crying, maybe it’s because Josie is yelling at me. I know it’s not because she’s right or that I miss Harrison. That’s just not possible.
I swipe away the fallen leaves from Mason’s headstone. My fingers find the grooves of his name and trace them. The Christmas tree the girls brought last week is still standing, despite the windy days we’ve been having. I straighten a few of the bulbs before setting my blanket down.
“It’s hard to come here, but I think you know that. I know your dad finds it harder and harder to visit, but the girls make him come. They don’t ask me though, and I’m not sure how I should feel about that. They miss you so much, Mason and I do too. Our lives are so different than they were a year and half ago.”
I sit down and look at his name. His mom is buried next to him, and his dad, when his time comes, will be buried next to her. Mason and I never bought plots or even made a will because we never thought anything would happen to us. Yet, here I am about to ask my dead husband what I should do.
“I met someone. Everyone tells me that you’d want me to move on, but it’s so hard to believe that you would. I remember how jealous you would get if someone would talk to me, so it’s hard to imagine you’d be okay with me loving someone else.
“I tried to be with Harrison. That’s his name. He’s a friend of Liam’s; they’re in the band together. The girls love him and he treats them really well, but I can’t help but think you wouldn’t be okay with this. How am I supposed to know that you’re okay with me bringing another man into my life? Into the girls’ lives?
“I need a sign, Mason. I need something to show me that you want me to move on. That it’s okay to love someone else, because right now, I’m set to be all myself if that’s what would make you happy.”
I lie down on my blanket and look at the clouds. The day is gray and overcast. I turn on my side and run my hands over the grass that covers his casket. “Tell me what to do Mason and I’ll do it. You hold my heart, and I’m so afraid to give it to someone else without your approval.”
No sooner do I speak the words does it start snowing. I roll onto my back and close my eyes, letting the snow fall slowly down to me. The snowflakes dance along my skin, landing on my eyelashes. Snow kisses Mason used to call them. Is this my sign? Is this enough for me to open my heart to someone else with his approval?
I’M crazy for planning this party. I’m not sure what I was thinking except
I needed to get my mind off of things and what better way to do it than to have my girlfriends over for a mini party. The music is on and drinks are flowing. The girls are with my parents and we’re having a slumber party. I know it seems childish, but it’s better than driving home drunk.
I carry a tray of nachos into the living room. Josie, Jenna and Aubrey are on the floor, pillows surrounding them. We’ll all in our pajamas; it’s high school all over again. The only thing missing are the boys looming outside, ready to climb up the trestle. I wouldn’t put it past Liam to do that tonight.
“Okay, we should play a game,” Aubrey says with a smile. I’m glad she decided to come and hang out with us tonight.
“Oh, games are fun,” Jenna replies as she reaches for the nachos.
“Josie, these margaritas are good.” I don’t know how many I’ve had, but each one tastes better than the last.
“What game are we playing?” Josie asks.
“How about a slight variation of twenty questions,” Jenna suggests. “Obviously, we know a lot about each other and we’re getting to know Aubrey, but it’s girls night so let’s get down to the nitty gritty.”
“I’m game,” Aubrey says.
“Katelyn, remember when Mason had that party and we played spin the bottle?”
“Oh God,” I choke on my drink when Josie brings that up. “He got so pissed that we never made it into the closet, which I didn’t understand, since we were already… you know.”
“No, I don’t know, tell us.” Aubrey winks and Jenna starts laughing.
I roll my eyes. “You know…” I say nodding my head, but Aubrey just shakes hers. “Fine, we were having sex, so I didn’t see why it was so important to go into the closet. Only later did he tell me that it’s a rite of passage that all boys need to experience. Our next date, he took me to the freaking closet!”
They all start laughing. I can’t contain my laughter and snort so loudly that they all stop, only to start up again.
“Okay, okay, okay,” I say holding my hands up. “Seriously, my husband wasn’t always the most romantic, but…” I lose my thoughts. “Shots,” I call out to diffuse the tension I just created in the room.
Josie lines up the shots of tequila on my coffee table. “Lick, suck and slam, ladies, I’m almost a married woman.”
“Oh shit, that burns,” Aubrey says after she knocks hers back. I agree, but keep that to myself. “One more time,” she suggests, and none of us disagree.
Josie pours and lines them up. We count to three and repeat the process. We break out in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.
“Katelyn, do you think Liam will try and sneak in here tonight?”