American Honey

We watch through the branches as Callan gets out of his truck with a 6-pack and two boxes. He looks as sexy as he always does but for once I have a good view of his face when he leaves his hat in the truck. He keeps his head down as he walks toward the house but looks around when Jessie sneezes. My hand flies over her face.

Callan pays no mind to the sound and walks inside the house. It takes us twenty minutes of arguing before we’re spying in the kitchen window.

It feels wrong to spy on him but like Jessie argued, what if he had his shirt off again. Or more.

“You make a good argument, friend.”

She sighs. “Finally, you’re being reasonable.”

So we head for the house trying to be quiet but probably loud as fuck. When we get to the window, sadly his shirt is on and he’s sitting against the wall on the floor surrounded by boxes and holding what looks to be a photograph of a dad at a rodeo holding up a buckle with three little boys at his feet. We can’t see the photo well enough but I think it’s his dad and brothers.

As I look around the house, Callan’s surrounded by five empty cans, the remaining one hanging in his left hand.

Jessie steps away and sits on the ground. “I can’t watch this. I thought his shirt would be off and it’s not. There’s nothing to see her and I’m disappointed.”

I laugh lightly but when I turn to look again. Callan’s forearm brushes over his eyes and it does feel wrong. This moment feels like we are violating his privacy but it’s like I can’t turn away, I feel like he needs someone to be there for him, anyone, maybe me.

As we drive back to my house I don’t feel like partying on my birthday so Jessie stays in my room with me because as she puts it, no one should be alone on their birthday. She’s right and it’s nice to have her there. Someone who never judges me.

“You know,” she says dumping rum in a glass. She’s given up on the tea and drinking it straight now. “We could leave tonight. Who would say anything?”

“Probably no one.” Jessie and I’ve talked about leaving for two years now. We frequently look at maps and point to cities we believe can offer a better life than Amarillo. But neither of us have said, “Let’s go.” It’s true what they say, that first step is the hardest and Jessie and I are both thinking we are just waiting for the other one to make the first move.

Jessie and I pass out in my room that

night and the next morning she leaves to make sure her mom made it to work. Kasey shows up like he promised and we head down to the arena.

The last person I should ask for help from is Kasey. But I do.

“So you won’t fuck me anymore but you need my help?” Kasey asks, staring at Hammer and then me. His gray eyes glare and I know there’s some resentment to him.

“You have a girlfriend, Kasey. What you’re doing is wrong and you owe me. You know that.”

He rolls his eyes and gives me a nod to the chute.

My plan to impress Callan, or at least grab his attention is to ride Hammer, our bull that I saw Callan riding. Hammer is mean as hell too. No one aside from Callan has ever ridden him. That really should have been my first warning. If Callan stayed on him, surely I could, right?

As I sit in the chute, on the bull, Kasey yells at me as he opens the gate and “Drop your riding hand and drive that shoulder! You want your weight on your inside leg.” He’s hanging over the fence shouting orders I can’t hear because my heart’s pounding so rapidly in my ears, that’s all I hear is rushing blood and the noises Hammer is making. He’s breathing fire and I feel fire, my body burning as it’s yanked and tossed around like a rag doll.

“What the fuck does that mean, Kasey?!” I yell, frantic and so scared I realize right then it’s the worst idea of my life to get on a bull. But I’m too committed now, I’m sitting on this beast and stopping this freight train isn’t even an option now.

“Put your weight on your inside leg when he spins!”

“Kasey!” I know I’m in trouble when Hammer spins and twists the other direction of the way my weight is shifted and I feel myself slipping from his heaving body.

“Throw your arm over your head! Don’t cross it over your body!”

I’m airborne…I see the ground coming fast at my side and then I see Hammer spin again, his eyes locked on me and head down. It’s going to hurt. His natural instinct is to hook me. That website was right. This is the most dangerous eight seconds of your life. I’m on the ground at least, all of the air in my lungs knocked out of me and I’m pretty sure I’ve dislocated something or broken something, if I could breathe I’d be able to assess the situation a bit more but now I’m staring at this tank on four legs about to plow right over me. Yeah, definitely not the most brilliant idea I’ve ever had.

Just as Hammer’s about to charge toward me, I hear to my left, “Hey, hey, hey, hey!” As Callan runs toward me, his arms flailing as he tries to direct Hammer to him. Hammer goes and charges him but loses interest quickly and charges the other direction.

It’s enough time that Callan is able to run to me and scoops me up from the dirt. He’s got me in his arms and on the other side of the fence when he sets me on a crate. Immediately my side hurts from hitting the ground and I look over at the house to see my dad looking out.

“Alanna, what was that noise?”

“Nothing!” I yell back, clutching my side in pain.

Callan’s eyes are wide as he looks to me and then Kasey. There is tension in his stare, his voice, and the white knuckles. He turns, facing me, leaving Kasey glaring at him in disbelief. “What the fuck were you thinking?”