American Honey

“Originally I dropped by to talk to you about Granddaddy and my plans, but then Tess here filled me in on her theory of evil dentists. She damn near passed out when Hugh hollered her name. I promised her I would stay with her and that you weren’t evil.”

“Well, Tessa, I’m Dr. Evans, and I promise I will take good care of you today. Are you okay with my son in here with you?”

“Yes, sir. Do you have that laughy gas stuff? Can I get an IV that knocks me out? Your son isn’t shittin’ you. I hate dentists with a passion. No offense to you,” I say with a shaky voice as the tears yet again spill over onto my cheeks.

Heavy sobs escape from my chest. Yes, I’m currently ugly crying in front of two strangers. Finn grabs a tissue and starts drying my tears. There was something gentle and calming about these two men that force me to open up just a little to them. They don’t make me feel foolish, but I do need to pull it together before they have me committed.

“Yes, I do have laughing gas. We can use that if it makes you feel more comfortable. I need to go over your medical history with you.”

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! I squeeze Finn’s hand tight. I don’t do this. I don’t talk, share, or explain. I just don’t. My doctors and specialists know me inside and out. They don’t make me relive my awful past.

“I am healthy as a horse, nothing to worry about,” I lie.

The thick, deep scar that runs from the bottom of my ear down to the center of my neck is on fire with embarrassment and feels like a flashing sign, calling me out as a liar. The tiny cubicle goes silent.

“Okay. I want to get a picture of your tooth. The good news is that we should be able to do everything here in the office today. Now, if you could open up and let me take a look.”

“Laughing gas first?” I manage to let out a little giggle with this pathetic request.

I was totally serious about being doped up with some laughing gas. Finn grabs a clear mask and cranks up a tank. Placing the mask over my nose, he then grabs my hand again. I watch his action and notice his dad shaking his head back and forth. I can’t tell if it is from amusement or disapproval. Either way, thank God for Finn.

“Get out of the way, rookie,” comes a familiar voice.

Meat clever hands guy settles in on the side opposite of the dentist.

Dr. Evans pries open my jaw and looks around for a minute. Starting to feel a little goofy and just a bit relaxed, I give myself a mental pat on the back.

“Dad, I think you should x-ray her instead of Hugh,” Finn whispers.

My hand grips his hand with more force at his gentle, caring words. Finn doesn’t let go for the next sixty-two minutes as his dad drills, fills and polishes my broken tooth.

If my torn jeans didn’t turn the man on then my gauze filled, slobbering mouth will be sure to do the trick. Half of my face is completely numb, and it feels like it’s dragging along on the floor. My lip feels the size of a banana. I try to say thank you to Finn and his father, but just ended up spewing saliva all over them. I wave at the handsome pair of men as I try to do a halfway sexy walk like the old Tess was a pro at doing. Pretty sure I’m nailing a doped up clown right now, but hell, at least I’m alive.

Cinnamon Jolly

Ranchers are evil bastards. I won’t lie. I am sure I will still be addicted to them, but less chomping on the little suckers for me. For shit sakes, I want to avoid the dentist office for the rest of my life. For the first time in a long time, I go to bed with a smile on my face and a man on my mind.

Finn. He was something else. I can’t quite put my finger on it. My heart is trying to convince me to let it beat again, but ignore it. Love isn’t for me. Fairy tales are lies and are only created to crush people.

***

The blaring music and stench of alcohol have never been a turn on for me even during my college days. But my dear best friend, Scarlett has managed to drag me out to the local bar tonight. She’s always lecturing me about starting to live my life instead of just surviving. “Tess you survived. Now step up to the freaking plate and start living your damn life!”

She’s out on the dance floor grinding with all sorts of strangers while I nurse a Corona. She loves to dance and loves to have sex even more. What I would give for just one tiny ounce of her carefree courage to live life to the fullest as a crazy, wild slut. She’s definitely my hero in disguise, in more than one way, with her crazy red hair and scandalous clothing and go get ‘em attitude. Scarlett is one epic woman. I have told her over and over that I was just going to follow her through life and be her built-in nanny or maid, so I wouldn’t have to face the cruel world alone.

The thumping pace of the music slows down and Mrs. Lauper’s voice permeates the hot, stale air of the bar. “Time After Time,” the most romantic song known to mankind. Dreaded tears start to pull at my eyes, being alone in the world just plain sucks and not having the courage to do anything about sucks even harder and sucks even bigger balls. I want to feel love again. The good kind of love. The Rhett kind of love. The kind that warms your tummy, tickles your toes and dances on your heart. I handily polish off my Corona at the awful thought of not ever being loved again.

Smack dab in the middle of my pity party a strong, familiar hand grabs my wrist and starts tugging on it. With my desperate tears dried up, I turn to peer up into Finn’s gorgeous face. My brain pulls back, but my damn body follows him without hesitation or second thought. Holy Shit! My dreams have been filled with this man for the last week. Every night his caring hands embrace me while his dark wavy locks brushed against my sensitive breasts, and now I’m in his arms on the dance floor dancing. You would think I was a naïve toddler just learning to walk because this man has me tripping all over myself.

“Tess, I have you,” Finn softly whispers into my ear.

At his words, I let go of all my fears and worries and just dance with Finn.

I carelessly melt into his long, lean body. A masculine tangerine scent fills my senses, as Finn lowers his hands down to grip my waist. I could smell him forever. Being a little adventurous, I press my body into his and tug on his hair then bury my face into the crook of his neck to smell him again. A romantic and lustful electricity buzzes between us and without using words it’s very obvious what both of us desire. The primal want is palpable and raw. The song ends and Finn pulls me off the dance floor to a tiny, dusty side room. A dim, buzzing light barely lights up the small space.

Finn pushes me against the wall and without saying a word he starts to undress me. Without knowing, he’s taking me back to the day of the accident by exposing all of my flesh. Strangely enough, I let him. He starts by pulling off my shirt and bra. Then he makes his way down to my blue jeans, the place where all my hurt and darkness resides on a daily basis, and where the visual reminder of the worst day of my life is. The day I can never take back. The carnal need to have Finn buried in me drives away all sane thoughts. He’s going to see how truly broken and scarred my body and soul is. Finn is walking into a fully rigged booby trap and is about to be blasted with the nasty, ugly truth it holds.

With my head arched up and eyes squeezed shut with utter fear and horror, I feel Finn’s fingers dig into my flesh as he drags down my pants. Not a word, not a gasp, not a shudder of horror…nothing but dead silence comes from Finn. Dead silence fills the desolate room. My heart stops and I begin to cry with complete shame and revulsion. Yes, my very own heart cries for me in this moment.