“You forget that I can do the same. You were thinking about something that upset you.” Her voice is soft and quiet as she keeps her attention focused on EJ. I reach beneath her arm and pull her hand into mine. I want to touch her, hold her, while I can. There’s a feeling in the pit of stomach warning me this bubble we’ve been in is about to burst.
“You were standing there, holding our son, and all I could think about is how he doesn’t know I’m his dad and he should. He should’ve known from day one that I was his dad whether I was here or not.”
“You’re right,” she says quickly, surprising me. I expected we’d sit in silence while she mentally berated herself. “I was young and stupid and thinking with a broken heart. I couldn’t believe that our child, the one we wanted and loved before he was even here, wouldn’t know his father. When I was told that you had… that you weren’t coming back I told myself I would do this by myself and I did. I delivered him in a room with just the doctor and his staff. No one held my hand, but I thought you did. I know now that it was crazy to think you were in the room with me.
“When EJ started talking and really recognizing who people were, he started saying ‘dada’ and I didn’t think anything of it until he called Nate ‘Daddy’ and I didn’t have the heart to tell him not to do that. He had playgroups and daycare so he saw his friends doing the same thing. Nate would pick him up sometimes and it was natural for EJ to say it.”
Ryley looks at me with tears in her eyes. “I hate myself for allowing it to happen, but I can’t take it back. You can hate me because of it, but you can’t hate EJ or Nate. Nate only did what I asked of him.”
I pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head. “I could never hate you, Ry. I love you more than anything. But you can’t ask me not to hate Nate. I’ll never forgive him for what he’s done.”
Ryley raises her head and stares me down. “I did things, too.”
Leaning forward, I kiss the tip of her nose. “Yes, but there’s a code between brothers and he broke it.”
MY EYES JAR OPEN as soon as we land.
I can’t believe I actually dozed off. It’s unlike me not to remain alert and focused, especially when I have so much on my mind. I can’t get this nagging suspicion out of my system that something is up. The training mission, in my opinion, was a waste of time. Aside from going over maps of the Middle East and places we’ve all been, we didn’t train. We lounged around like useless slugs. That’s not how we win the battle. That’s not how we defeat the enemy. They’re not sitting around waiting, and the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get.
Stepping off the helo, I breathe in the sea air of Coronado. I love it here. Growing up in Washington, the constant rain and gray is what I was used to but once I moved south, I realized that seeing the sun every day is what I needed.
I wouldn’t trade where I am for anything. The last time I re-enlisted I feared being assigned to a different base and I’m not sure what I would’ve done if that had happened because there would’ve been no way I’d leave Ryley and EJ behind. Asking Ryley to leave is out of the question. Evan is buried here and I already know what her answer would be.
“Plans for the day?” Tex asks as we walk to the bus. He has a shit eating grin on his face, pretty much indicating that he’s up to something.
“Depending on what time this debriefing is done, I’ll probably go home and sit on the couch with Ryley on one side and EJ on the other.”
“York said no debriefing today, don’t need it.” He drops his gear onto the bus and walks away. I stop dead in my tracks, unsure if I heard him correctly. I look around for York, but I don’t see him. Mark York is our Master Chief, divorced with two kids that he doesn’t get to see much. Since his divorce he tends to keep to himself and rarely hangs out with us. He was, and probably still is in love with his ex and the fact that she took his kids back to her home state has really put his life in perspective. He talks about retirement, but re-enlisted a few months back saying that the SEALs are the only thing keeping him going.
York is ready for deployment, so is Tex. I’m not. Ryley and I need more time before I ship off. She’s always on edge right before I have to leave. It’s even worse when I leave without much notice. My idea of a honeymoon doesn’t consist of leaving my bride and son days after we get married but I know it happens to all of us. It’s the military version of a shotgun wedding, a way of life...
Country first.
I get my gear stowed and climb onto the bus. It’s a short trip across base to our training facility. I honestly feel like running back, yet another component to a busted training exercise. I’m not tired even though I should be. I close my eyes and rest my head against the window of the bus. It’s the only way I can shut my brain off. I picture what it’s going to be like when I get home. EJ will be out back playing on his swing set with Deefur standing guard. Ryley will be weeding her flower garden, picking and pruning to keep her roses alive. Far off in the distance, in between planes taking off, the ocean will crash against the beach giving me a subtle reminder that we need to take a trip down there. I’m going to stand there, taking them all in before I announce that I’m home.
My eyes spring open as I lurch forward when the driver slams on his brakes. My eyes weren’t closed for ten minutes, and yet it felt like an hour. I scrub my hands over my face and wait my turn to get off. Tex stops in front of me, giving me a pass.
“You slept on the plane and the bus. You’re not getting old on me are you?”
“Nah, I was just resting my eyes.”
“Cold feet?” he asks, laughing.
“Hell no,” I say as I shoulder my rucksack. “There’s something not sitting right with that training mission and not having a debriefing.”
“What the hell would we debrief, the life of an armadillo by Tex and Arch? It was a busted training exercise. Maybe they’ll push our deployment back because of it. Who knows, just be happy you’re home and you get to marry that fine looking babe of yours.” Tex definitely has a way of putting everything in perspective. That or he just doesn’t care. He has his own things to worry about with his girl being pregnant. He’s afraid of making a commitment to her and finding out the kid isn’t his.
Tex is everything you’d expect in a cowboy but not a SEAL. Yet, there isn’t another man I’d trust as much to have beside me in battle, with the exception of my teammates. When Tex arrived on base he was this toothpick-looking kid. I had seen him around, but never gave him more than a friendly ‘hi’. He tested for the SEALs a year after, having put on a considerable amount of weight and muscle. He was top of his class, deadly with a rifle and a damn fine warrior.
Once my gear is back in my locker, I’m in my truck and heading home. No one lingers when you don’t have to unless there’s something brewing, then it’s pow-wow time. Only a few from my team live off base like I do. I broached the subject of moving to the Naval Station with Ryley after we get married, but she shot me down. It was stupid on my part, knowing that Evan bought them the house. It was my failed attempt to move past his death and on with our lives. Sometimes, I think it’s unhealthy to live there. Granted, all his stuff is gone – packed up in boxes being stored in the attic - but his ghost is there. Many times I’ll catch her just staring at the mantle. I do it too, but for different reasons.
One minor detour and I find myself where I hadn’t planned on going, at least not today. Ryley and EJ are waiting for me, and yet here I am walking through the grass with my hands stuffed into the pockets of my camo pants. I kneel down and wipe a few fallen leaves away from Evan’s marker.
EVAN ARCHER
SOC US NAVY
SEAL TEAM III