“I know,” I say after pulling away. “But her intentions aren’t to help you with EJ, she’s here because she wants to be with Evan. If that’s what she wants, she can go stay at Carter’s.”
I know my timing probably sucks but I want to lay down some ground rules about Livvie being
here. I don’t like it and don’t believe that Livvie is here for anyone but Evan. I know she won’t do anything to hurt EJ, but that doesn’t mean she won’t be a brat to Ryley as she always has been.
“Your mom kicked her out.”
Sighing, my head taps lightly against the cabinet. When Evan died, my mother shut off. I thought when she found out about EJ things would change, but sometimes I think his birth just made things worse for her. Livvie was always closer to Evan than she was to me, which never bothered me until she all but alienated Ryley. Most of that was due to my mother, and the fact that Ryley and I started dating.
“My mom…” I cut myself off before I can even begin to defend her.
“Thinks I’m a whore.”
Her words sting because Ryley is anything but. I turn slightly so I can look into her eyes. “You’re not a whore. Why would you even say that?”
Her eyes fill up with tears again and my heart plummets, expecting the words “I cheated” to come out of her mouth even though I don’t want to believe she could do that to me. I know how Evan feels about her, though, and if he didn’t know she’d thought he was dead, he’d have expected her to wait for him.
“I kissed him, Nate. I did it more than once and I wanted more. I’m sorry, but I did it and I hate myself.”
Kissing I can live with even though I shouldn’t have to. Sex is another story. Regardless of where Evan has been, we knew him as dead. After we buried him we all worked to move on and provide for EJ. None of it was easy.
“Ry –”
“No, please listen. When I see him, I’m taken back to what we had and what we’ve missed out on. It’s hard to not want to be with him, but it’s also hard not to want to be with you as well. I’m confused, hurt, and angry and I feel incredibly lost right now. I’m a nightmare when all I wanted to be was a fairytale.
“Life isn’t a fairytale, Ry.” I cup her cheek and she covers my hand with hers. Her smile is soft and hits me right in my heart.
“My life has felt like a fairytale, for the most part, since I met you and Evan. You both have made me feel like I’m a princess in your own ways.”
I pull her close and press my lips to hers. The soft feel of her lips give me hope. Even though she’s in my arms, I feel distant, like this is an out of body experience. Hell, maybe I’m hallucinating. I’m still in the desert waiting to shoot my rifle and when I come home she’s waiting for me with open arms and none of this is happening. But just as I told her that life isn’t a fairytale, it’s not a dream either.
It’s reality, and reality is ugly.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” I say, pulling her into my arms. When she sags against me I know deep down that she and I are going to be together. I don’t know how but we’ll make it work, taking a vow that we have planned to stay with each other, for better or for worse, and apply it now. Ryley has to know that I’m in this for the long haul no matter what.
Before I can reassure her that I’m not going anywhere the front door opens, but Ryley doesn’t move. Knowing that it could be Evan and she’s still in my arms comforts me. It’s hard not to think about what lies ahead. The road before us isn’t forking, it’s damn well splitting with too many options. Sadly, not a single option is favorable for all parties involved. Life is going to get messy, and I hate messy. I need order.
High pitched squeals and the thundering of little feet brings a smile to my face. I’ve missed my boy, and hate that I have to leave him again, but my duty is to my country. I know that each time I’m gone I’m protecting his future.
EJ comes around the corner, his smile spreading from ear to ear as he barrels toward us. Ryley catches him and maneuvers him between us. I have my family. We may be slightly unconventional, but we work. We love each other. Livvie clears her throat, making eye contact with me. I don’t even have to ask what she’s thinking; I can see displeasure written all over her face. The brother part of me should get up and talk to her, but holding my family in my arms is far more important.
I don’t know how long we sit on the kitchen floor holding each other, an hour maybe two. I’m not counting. I’d love to find a way to keep us here and shut out the outside world forever or for us to run off into the sunset and forget everyone around us. But truth be told, life just isn’t that easy - it’s unorganized, dysfunctional and crazy.
Take it from me... if you think your life is perfect, you’re lying to yourself.
THE SMELL OF BARBECUED food wafts through the air. As I look around River’s neighborhood I remember that most of the homes belong to sailors and their families. Before we left, there was a block party. We all came together, ate, drank and had a blast. Music played, people got to know each other and everyone had a good time. Everyone laughed. I remember thinking that I couldn’t wait to have one on my block, but that never happened. And sitting here now, watching the kids ride their bikes up and down the street, I’m not sure it’ll ever happen.
“I want this,” I say, spreading my arms out wide. “I want to see EJ riding his bike with his friends. I want bikes parked in my front yard and noise coming from my house. I want people to know that they can stop by anytime, just to say hi. That’s how my house was when Nate and I were growing up. My mom would bake cookies at night for the next day and my friends would be over all the time. It all stopped when we were sophomores and discovered that making out was better than Mom’s cookies.”
“You’ll have it,” River says, but his voice lacks the conviction I need to believe him. It’s hard for me to grasp that I can have what I want. I had it, but the Navy took it away.
“I don’t even know if I have a place to live,” I reply as I shake my head in frustration. “She asked me to leave, but never said to go back in an hour or two. She just asked, and I did it without hesitation because I’d do anything for her.” My pity party of one is growing by leaps and bounds. I shouldn’t be here dumping this on him; he has his own issues to work out. But I have nowhere else to go, at least no place that I trust.
“Ryley’s going through a lot, but I doubt she’ll kick you out.”
I scoff. “I’m not living with my brother. So either he leaves or I do and something tells me that it’s going to be me. He can claim squatter’s rights or whatever they’re called and there isn’t jack shit I can do about it. Nate’s lived there for the past however many years. He’s taken care of the house, EJ and as much as I hate admitting it, Ryley. I’m Charlie Bucket from Willy Wonka, looking through the window at the candy counter.”
Tipping the bottle back, I empty what’s left of its contents. Dwelling on what I can’t fix isn’t going to make things better for me and it’s definitely not going to improve my situation with Ryley. However, leaving her with my brother doesn’t sit well with me. I’ll have to fight to keep her and EJ, and he’s my enemy. I need to be front and present. I can’t be forgotten again.