I DON’T KNOW HOW long I’ve been watching Ryley. I’m not even sure she knows I’m behind her. But here I am standing in the doorway to EJ’s room spying on the woman I want to marry while she stares at all the photos of my brother which cover the wall. I wouldn’t think her being in here is odd except for the fact that EJ spent the night with me in the guest room.
I should be jealous, but I’m not. This isn’t the first time I’ve found her like this and I can only imagine how many nights she’s spent in here since Evan returned. When Lois came up with the idea to wallpaper EJ’s room with photos of Evan, I thought it was great. I even spent time in here, talking to him and EJ, reliving our childhood as I told his son stories.
When EJ was born, Ryley had every intention of telling EJ that Evan was his father. But then daycare happened and when I was home, I’d pick him up because I needed to feel close to Evan. However, children are smart and they follow what their peers do so when EJ saw his little friends getting picked up by their dads, he started calling me “Dad”. At first, I was against it. I didn’t want to dishonor my brother’s memory. But on the other hand, I didn’t want my nephew growing up without a father and I honestly couldn’t see Ryley with anyone else.
Cara didn’t like it, and I understood why. She loved EJ, but didn’t want him calling me “Dad”. I should’ve respected her request when she asked that only our children refer to me as that, but I didn’t. I couldn’t look my nephew in the eyes, the same eyes that I felt held my brother’s sou
l, and tell him no. I still can’t. It’s not what tore Cara and me apart. Ryley isn’t either. Life is. But it’s also the same life that has given me the opportunity to be EJ’s dad and a partner to Ryley. It’s the same life that I’m fighting to keep.
“What are you doing?” I whisper to Ryley as I enter EJ’s room. She smiles softly, but doesn’t answer. Her being in here doesn’t require an answer anyway. I know why she’s in here. It’s still early and the sun is barely peaking over the horizon. EJ’s window is open and there’s a cool ocean breeze coming in. It’s mornings like this that I’m thankful Evan had the good sense to use his inheritance from our dad to buy a house near the ocean.
Standing against the wall, I slide down until my butt is firmly on the ground. Pulling my knees up, I rest my arms on top of them. Maybe the wall of Evan has all the answers, but then again, maybe it doesn’t.
“Do you sit in here a lot when I’m not home?”
“I used to, but you helped me heal. If it weren’t for you, I’d be a shell of the woman I am today.”
“EJ did that for you, Ry. You’re strong because of him.”
Ryley wipes the tears from her eyes and I fight the urge to pull her from her chair and into my lap. It took so long for us both to heal and find a happy medium. We both lost a lot in the last six years, but we gained a lot as well. Evan was taken from us, but our family was blessed by the arrival of EJ who was my last connection to my brother. Then I lost Cara to my own selfishness and my inability to see what was good for her... good for us. All Cara wanted to do was love me and I wouldn’t allow her to.
“Do you ever wonder how things should’ve been?”
“Every day,” she says in a voice barely above a whisper. Ryley repositions herself, pulling her blanket a little higher. It’s not cold in here, but I imagine the security of having herself covered is what she needs right now.
“You and Evan would be married,” I say, even though it’s not reality.
“And probably barefoot and pregnant again,” she says with a hint of laughter. “He once said in a letter that he wants to have his own football team and it didn’t matter if we had nothing but girls because girls could play too.” Ryley pauses as she plays with the corner of her blanket. “Do you ever wonder about Cara?”
“Cara couldn’t accept me for me.” I know why Cara asked me not to re-enlist. It made sense then and still makes sense now, but to me, I’m a SEAL and I’ll always be one.
“Right after Evan died, Lois took me to a grief meeting. You know the type, where we sit around in a circle and tell everyone our story. Anyway, this woman told everyone that she lost her sister and brother-in-law, but that her sister was still alive. The counselor asked her to explain what she meant and she said that she and her sister had both married soldiers, but hers came back and now her sister wouldn’t speak to her anymore. That’s how I see Cara. She was here when Evan died and saw what it did to us. She didn’t want to experience that. No one does, really.
“Being with a SEAL is hard. You’re gone a lot. There are times when you don’t make it home for dinner. There are days when we can’t talk because you’re off training someplace. There’s an unknown and I can understand why she was hesitant.”
“It’s in the past now, Ryley. Besides, everyone is going to feel differently,” I say, as I rub my hand up and down her calf.
“I hate the word ‘feel’,” she scoffs. “I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel, Nate. I’m so torn in half that I can’t even breathe. I asked you both for space and you’ve given it to me, but it’s not helping. I need you both in my life and I know it’s not possible. I want to walk in my front door and have you both sitting on the couch waiting. It’s sick and twisted, but it’s what I want. I want my cake with the frosting and side of ice cream and I want to eat it in my bed.
“If I choose Evan, it hurts you and you’re my best friend. You’re my rock, my foundation. Choosing Evan damages your relationship with EJ and confuses him. I know that’s on me. I know EJ’s pain will be my burden to bear. But if I choose you, I’ve lost Evan again and I’m not sure I can survive that. It’s selfish and I hate myself for thinking that way. But as I sit here and stare at him on the wall and think about everything he’s missed because someone in this world chose to take him away from us, I ask myself how I can do that? How can I deny him something that he didn’t give up willingly?”
This time when she sobs I’m there to pull her into my arms. Her tears soak my bare skin as she muffles her cries in my neck. I knew this moment was coming, I just didn’t expect it to be today.
“I want to take your pain away. I do. I’d give anything for us to go back two months ago and make time stop. You’re a good woman and you don’t deserve this.”
“That’s just it. I don’t want time to stop. I want Evan here. And because I’m having those feelings while engaged to another man, I do deserve this. The letter ‘A’ should be branded into my skin because of the thoughts and feelings I’m having for another man.”
“Ryley, we’ve been dealt the shittiest hand in Vegas. I can’t beg and plead for you to stay with me. I wouldn’t do that. I know how you feel about Evan. I’ve witnessed it. I watched it grow from a simple romance to something powerful and unwavering. I know you and I aren’t on that level and I never expected us to be, but you know that I love you. You know that you’re my world and I’d do anything for you, even step aside if that was what you wanted.”
Ryley doesn’t say anything and that scares me. Did I just willingly hand her over to Evan without meaning to do so? I want to think that I didn’t, but I’m honestly not so sure. It’s hard to compete with someone, but it’s even harder to compete with your twin. Our family has been divided since he passed away. My mother tried to destroy Ryley, and I stepped in to protect her just as I said I would. I didn’t count on falling in love with her, though. This is more than an old high school crush. At least it is for me.
We sit on the floor until EJ comes in looking for us. He crawls into my awaiting arm and snuggles into his mom and me. This is a moment that I need to preserve forever because my time could be up very soon. I could walk out of here today and never see them again. It’d kill me, but if Ryley asked me to do that, I would.
“What are you guys doing?” Livvie stands in the doorway, hair piled on top of her head and half asleep.
“Just hanging out,” I tell her.
“Uh huh, well come on EJ, let’s go make some breakfast.”