Here With Me (The Archer Brothers 1)

Evan looks up, and even from this distance I know he’s not smiling. I pick my hand up to wave, but immediately drop it, afraid of giving him false hope. Afraid of giving myself false hope.

“Evan,” I whisper his name as if I’m the only one in the room. I know I’m breaking his heart and he knows he’s broken mine, even if he didn’t mean to. We need life to be as simple as the movies or a board game. Spin the dial to determine your job. Spin again and move forward five spots to get married. I want to spin and spin again until every decision is made for me. I want someone or something to tell me which path I’m supposed to follow.

“What about Nate?” she asks. I also smile at the mention of Nate’s name. I rest my head against the window and watch Evan. His head is in his hands, a sure sign that he’s in deep thought. I want to go to him and hold him. I want to pretend that we’re the characters in one of my beloved books and that when we get to the last chapter, everything we are meant to be will be.

Sadly, my life is anything but a romance novel and as I stand here, watching the man I love while engaged to his brother, my thoughts filter to Nate. He doesn’t have a clue what’s going on and I can’t call him. I can’t pick up the phone and say, ‘when you come home everything’s changed.’ He thinks his brother is dead. It’s what we’ve been told for the past six years. It’s how we’ve lived.

I say his name over and over in my head. He’s been my rock for so long, and I don’t know how I’m going to break this news to him.

I shake my head not understanding her question.

“When did you become close?”

I sigh. “We’ve always been close. Nate was in most of my classes. At first, Evan was jealous because Nate and I were always studying, but eventually he got over it. I was always with Evan and if I wasn’t, Nate was around. Life seemed to work out that way. Being with them made me happy.”

“And now?”

I turn away from the window. “And now things are complicated. Nate is on a mission, and I don’t know when he’ll be back. Sometimes he’s gone for a day, other times it’s a month. If I have a problem, he’s the one who guides me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here, and it’s only going to get worse when Nate comes home. I’m not naïve enough to think you’re giving me the answers when I walk out of here, and it’s not like I can Google my question and have an array of answers guiding me.”

I run my hand through my hair, pulling at my ponytail. I lean against the wall, still able to see Evan. He used to smile so brightly, but now it’s dull and faded. The light has gone from him, from us, all because of some miscommunication. Things didn’t have to be like this.

“Do you love him?”

I smile when she asks this. “I do, with everything that I am. He’s been my rock, my foundation. He’s my best friend. He’s my lover. Without him, I’m a hollow shell of who I used to be. He rebuilt me from ground up. We didn’t intend to fall in love. Well, I didn’t at least, but being in love with Nate is easy. He’s been my best friend for so long that my feelings just grew. He was a constant support in my life and as much as I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, the blurred line had already been crossed in my heart. Falling for Nate was as easy as falling for Evan in some ways.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s been in love with me since we met, but he never said anything because of Evan. I found out a year after Evan… I heard Nate and Carter arguing. The conversation wasn’t meant for my ears and for weeks I didn’t speak to Nate, but I couldn’t continue not seeing him. I needed him.”

“And who’s Carter?”

“He’s Nate’s best friend and Lois’ husband.”

The therapist nods and scribbles on her pad. It makes me wonder what she’s writing or thinking. Her questions are one-liners and she’s yet to offer me any guidance.

“What was Nate like in high school?”

“Smart, funny and athletic. He always had girls chasing after him because he was going ‘somewhere’. He was definitely the type that you bring home to your mom. I didn’t like most of the girls he went out with and used to make their little sister torment his dates. I know it was childish, but no one ever seemed good enough for him.

“The twins – that’s what I called them when they were together – both played football. Evan was the running back and Nate was the quarterback, which explains how I ended up with a black eye from Evan throwing the ball. Their coach called them a deadly combination because they each knew what the other was thinking. In the winter they moved on to basketball and in the spring, baseball. They were three-sport varsity athletes and I didn’t miss a single game that year. For the away games I would ride with their mom, and we’d stand there and cheer our hearts out for our boys.

“Anyway, Nate was every good girl’s dream. He was voted most likely to succeed in high school.”

“And did he?” she asks.

“He did, until Evan… They both joined the Navy after high school and quickly went up the ranks. It’s hard to become a SEAL, but both of them did it. Everyone was proud of what they were accomplishing. It was hard not to be. Evan and Nate set a goal and they both achieved it. After Evan, Nate took his bereavement leave to stay with me, but he too was struggling with Evan’s death. We talked about the how’s and why’s. Most of the time we just sat and stared at his picture. Evan’s death was hard for Nate to take and he kept watching for the conflict to appear on television. He was glued to the news day in and day out. I finally told him to go back to base, to be there and listen. Maybe someone would say something about Evan’s unit.”

“How did you feel about Nate returning to active duty?”

I shrug. “I grew up on different bases, so I get it. My mom’s military, but not in combat. My grandfather was though, so I’ve heard the stories. There’s pride in their voices when they talk. I know it’s in your blood and these men and women – the ones that yearn to defend their country – they do it proudly.”

“You had grown close to Nate after Evan died in combat. How did you feel about Nate leaving again?”

“Scared and helpless, but he had to do it. I couldn’t sit by and watch him miss that piece of him. He’d already lost his father and brother, but didn’t need to lose his family too.” I take one last look at Evan before heading back to the couch. “His mother, she’s not speaking to me and his sister hates me.”

“Why’s that?”

I smirk and shake my head. “She’s lost her husband and son, and I was giving her remaining son an open invitation to return to combat. She told me that if I loved him and Evan the way I say I do, I’d be more determined to keep him home. She didn’t like that I told her being in combat made him happy, complete. And his sister… she lost her dad, lost her brother and thinks that I’m evil incarnate because Nate and I are engaged. It’s messy. Our family life is complicated. Standing in the middle of all of this is EJ, and he doesn’t have a clue.”