Here With Me (The Archer Brothers 1)

“This is really hard, Ryley.”

“I know,” I whisper.

“I want my family back, and I’m going to tell you this right now, I’m very angry with Nate. I was told that he knew everything. Hell, I thought you were sending me fucking care packages only to find out you thought I was dead. But there’s no excuse for Nate. I’ve always known he’s had feelings for you, and the moment I’m out of the picture h

e swoops in –“

“It wasn’t like that.”

“I don’t care, Ry. What I care about is you and our son. If I had a choice, I wouldn’t have gone on that mission, River and I thought something was up with it when we got the orders, but we follow orders and look where we are now.”

Evan stands and places his hand on my cheek, guiding my eyes to his. “I’m going to fight for my family and I’ll do it dirty if I have to. I’ll be the one standing up at your wedding stopping it, and I’m going to prove that you’re still madly in love with me even though we haven’t seen or been with each other in six years. Your body sings for me, I felt it when I sat down next to you.”

He bends down and places a searing kiss on my lips, and once again I’m back in the ice cream shop with chocolate, raspberry and Evan consuming every sense that I have. I don’t want it to end. I want to be sixteen again and starting to fall in love with the most gorgeous boy I’ve ever met. I want the redo, the start over. I think we’ve earned that. When he pulls away I almost reach for him, but I refrain. I’m committed to someone else, and the fact that I have to keep reminding myself of that is not a good thing.

CLOSING MY EYES, I rest my head on the back of the couch. The smell of Ryley’s perfume is present and comforting. All night I’ve been trying not to think about everything I’ve missed, but sitting at the dinner table with Carole and Jensen acting as if nothing has changed has made me feel split in two. A part of me is grateful that they’re not making a big deal out of it, but the other part wants to scream and yell and have them listen to every damn thing I have to say. Thing is, I know Carole will. She’ll let me pour my heart out, keep it confidential and try to do something. I’m not sure I want her to have that burden.

Seeing my son in the flesh for the first time is indescribable. I’ve missed so much, but am thankful to whoever made sure I saw him grow up through photos. When he was standing there holding Ryley’s hand, I wanted to break down and cry. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I wanted to sob like a damn baby because my chest hurt. The pain – it’s nothing like I’ve felt before. It didn’t matter that he was standing in front of me, smiling. I wanted to fall to my knees and pull him to me. I needed to feel him in my arms and know that he’s real and not a figment of my imagination or just an image on a three-by-five piece of glossy paper. Instead, I channeled the warrior in me and held it all together.

Tonight’s dinner was by far the best dinner I’ve ever had. It had nothing to do with the food, but with who was at the table. Sitting next to EJ and watching him barely eat reminded me so much of me when I was a child. Nate was always the hearty eater. Me, I wanted to be outside playing and getting dirty. I’m not sure that’s what EJ was thinking today, but food definitely was not on his agenda this evening.

I don’t know how Ryley usually handles his picky eating, but tonight she let it go. I’m willing to bet it was because I was here. The last thing I want is for EJ to be in trouble because of my presence, but I also don’t want her to waver on her parenting skills. She’s going to have to teach me her rules so I can enforce them. I never knew what it meant when people would say it take a village to raise a child, but I do now. It took four of us to explain to EJ that I’m his dad. The child in me wanted to stand up, stomp my feet and tell him that I’m his dad, his only dad and that my brother was crossing the line. But I didn’t. I couldn’t do that to EJ or Ryley. It’s not his fault and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m glad it was Nate over some random man playing daddy in my place. Except, as far as I’m concerned, Nate knew. He should’ve been protecting my family by being a brother and an uncle, not making plans to take my place.

Ryley sits down next to me, but I keep my eyes closed and pretend that this is normal for us at the end of the night. In an ideal world, I would be cleaning the kitchen while she gives EJ a bath and we’d both tuck him in. We’d sit on the couch and cuddle, or I’d have her feet in my lap while she reads and I’d watch some sporting event on TV until it was time for bed. We’d go upstairs together, and I’d make love to her. Either way, we’d be together, unlike now.

I’ve never felt so far from her even though she’s next to me. When I kissed her earlier I thought I was going to bust out of my seams. Touching her, even with something as simple as cupping her face, brought back six years of anticipation. Maybe it’s better this way because if we were to start making out I’d probably blow my load in my shorts and never in my life have I done that.

“How come you haven’t called your mom?” her voice is low and calm.

I take a deep breath and think about how best to answer. Why haven’t I called my mom? Fear? Anger? I’m not really sure. “I would’ve, but after learning what I have and hearing Rask tell me about his parents reactions I just haven’t been ready, but you’re going to change all that for me, aren’t you?” I open my eyes and turn my head slightly to look at her. She was watching me the whole time, and I love it.

“We don’t get along, your mom and I.”

She has my full attention now, so I sit up and pull her hand into mine. I’m looking for any excuse I can find to touch her. “Why not?”

She laughs, but it’s not a happy one. Ryley turns to face me, bringing her leg up underneath her other one. She runs her hand through her hair, a tell-tale that she’s uncomfortable. “Well, when you died, Nate made sure I received your flag at your funeral for EJ since he knew about us being pregnant. Your mom didn’t like that. Nate reenlisted shortly after you passed away. Your mom didn’t like that either. The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was Nate and I pursuing a relationship.”

I squirm when she brings up her and Nate. She has to know I don’t want to talk about them, even though I have so many questions.

“I didn’t know, Evan. I swear on the life of our son. I would’ve waited for you.” Her voice breaks before she can finish her sentence. I don’t really give a shit if she’s engaged to another man, I need to hold her. I have her in my arms before she can protest. Not that I think she will. I know she loves me. I can feel it in the way her body molds to mine. We were made for each other and come hell or high water, she’ll be mine again. I don’t care who I have to hurt along the way to make it happen.

Her tears dampen my shoulder as I hold her in my arms. She cries quietly and my heart races when her hand clutches my shirt. I haven’t forgotten her signs. I know what she wants. I could be the man I feel like being and make a move, take her here on the couch, but I won’t, at least not tonight. Tonight has been too emotional and when I make love to her again, it’s going to be because we can’t keep our hands off each other. I’m thinking next week sometime.

I press my lips to her shoulder and pull her tighter to my chest. I need for her to know that I’m here for her and that I’m not going anywhere. I can’t imagine I’ll be deploying anytime soon considering that someone in the Navy told my family I was dead. They have to know questions are going to start being asked if they haven’t already. Carole will no doubt start picking apart our files.

“I’m sorry,” she says as she pulls away slowly. I chuckle lightly when she breathes in deeply. She tries to turn away, but I don’t allow her to. I guide her face back in my direction and look into her eyes, straight to her soul. Our love is still there, it’s just being somewhat blocked by her sense of obligations.

“As much as I want to blame you, I can’t. You did what you thought best for our son.”

She nods and slips away from me. I feel the immediate disconnect and that just fuels my hate for whoever set this mission in motion.

“How’s my mom with EJ?” I ask, changing the subject.

“She’s good. Livvie’s a good aunt. They just don’t talk to me.” She shrugs. “I’m used to it.”

I don’t even want to know what my mother’s excuse is for being cold to Ryley, but I’m going to make sure it stops tomorrow. If I hadn’t been gone, Ry would be my wife by now and I’d like to think we’d have another child running around the house. I loo

k at her flat stomach and imagine her plump with my child. This time, I’d be here for everything.