?t cancel your appointments whenever you want and neither can I.
“Finding out she was pregnant changed my life. It kicked my ass. I asked her to marry me, which honestly should’ve happened years prior to that. As soon as I was done with basic, I should have proposed and we should’ve gotten married. I was taking her for granted. And that’s something I promise never to do again.”
“You’re very noble, Evan.” If I didn’t know any better, I’d call Dr. Howard a romantic.
“I’m not, Doc. I’m a man in love, and I have been in love with her since I was eighteen. Being gone for six years hasn’t changed how I feel about her, regardless of her wearing another man’s ring.”
Ryley shifts when I mention her ring. I’m counting down the days when she’ll be removing it and putting mine back in its place. It’s where it belongs.
“How do you feel about Ryley and Nate?”
I stiffen and so does Ryley.
“I really don’t want to talk about Nate,” Ryley mumbles. I agree with her. He’s not a topic that I really want to discuss. Dr. Howard rests her hands on her desk and looks at us.
“Hard truths will help you pave the path for the future, whether you guys end up together or not. If Ryley or you, Evan, don’t communicate and get all your feelings out now, this could come back to bite you. You’ve both told me how you feel, but you need to tell each other. I’m gathering that neither of you have openly discussed that part of her life.”
I shake my head slowly while biting the inside of my cheek. I’m not sure there is anything she can tell me that will take away this stabbing pain. Each time I hear about her and Nate, I feel like I’m being gutted and a pack of wolves are feasting on me. I hate thinking that she’s slept with anyone but me. I’m not a possessive man, but right now I feel like I am. I want to go all caveman and pound my chest while speaking broken English and pointing out that she’s mine. She always has been and if I have anything to say or do about it, she will continue to be.
“It’s not like I meant for –”
I pull my hand from her and raise it. “Stop,” I say. Truth is I don’t want to hear any excuses. It’s happened. Neither of them can take it back. Her, I’m willing to forgive. Him, I’m not even willing to try. “Anything you say can’t change the way I’m feeling. I feel like a broken record, defending myself over and over again. I didn’t die. I can’t control what the Navy does to me. I went off to do a job and when I came home, you moved on. To me, it’s like you’ve cheated. I know you were told I was dead, I get that, but it doesn’t and won’t change the way I feel about you or this situation.”
I can’t bear to look at Ryley when I hear her choke on a sob. My heart is racing, beating so fast with the energy I’m feeling that it’s making me agitated. My leg starts to bounce and I have an urgency to release this pent up aggression, but I can’t do it here. Not in front of Ryley. The thoughts I’m having about Nate will scare her. The devastation I want him to feel, the anger and hurt that I want him to live with, don’t even come close to what I’m feeling right now.
“Evan?”
My eyes turn sharply to Dr. Howard. She sits there calmly, knowing that I won’t do anything to upset Ryley. If Nate were here that’d be a different story. I can guarantee you that I will not attend any session if he’s in the room.
“Look, I get that we have to talk about him, but maybe today isn’t the best day. These past few days with Ryley and EJ have been a blessing, and I’m not interested in having a shitty attitude the rest of the day because we had to discuss the one thing keeping us from being together.”
“You’re already angry,” Ryley mumbles.
I turn toward her. “Of course I’m angry, Ry. I want to be with you. It’s damn near the only thing I think about when we’re on watch. Being next to you, hell being in the same vicinity as you, only increases my desire. I’m trying to respect that ring on your finger, and it’s killing me, especially when I want to throw you over my shoulder and carry you up to our room. So yeah, I’m angry.”
I turn away from her and bend at my waist, holding my head in my hands. With my eyes closed, I’m breathing in and out, calming myself down. Her hand touches the small of my back and heat radiates through my shirt and onto my skin. Does she feel the same way? Or have I suddenly become expendable?
“I’d like to talk about the time Evan came home from basic training.” Ryley’s voice is soft, but determined. I remember the day perfectly. I rest on my elbows, but can’t bring myself to look at her. I want to hear this story, so I’m going to sit here and listen.
“Go ahead, Ryley.”
“It was homecoming, and I wasn’t going to the dance. Lois had tried to get me to go with her and Carter. He was coming home for the weekend, but I didn’t want to be a third wheel. She kept pestering me and made sure I was included in all her shopping festivities. I remember telling Evan that I thought she was being a little annoying and that I was very okay with staying home. He told me to go and have fun.”
“And did you?”
This time I glance at Ryley and smile. She nods. “I did, but under protest. The night of the dance I decided that I didn’t want to go and that it was going to be too much since I had gone with Evan the previous year.” She shrugs and looks at me, her eyes twinkling with the memory of what awaited her. “I didn’t want to go to a school dance without him.
“It didn’t matter though because Lois all but dressed me, did my hair and dragged me to the dance. When we got there, the music was playing, and I started to scope out a spot along the wall to sit. As I started walking in that direction, the lights went out and two spotlights came on. One was focused on me and the other a little ways away. Lois whispered that I need to follow the light, so I did.”
“I was waiting for her,” I pipe up. “I had come home the night before and wanted to surprise her. Our moms and Lois helped me plan everything. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without them.”
Ryley smiles as I reach for her hand and lean back in the chair. “We talked for an hour or more each night,” she says.
“It’s unheard of, spending that much time on the phone while at basic, isn’t it? Did you think that was odd?”
She shrugs. “I was relishing in the moment, I guess. I found out later that he had graduated a week earlier, but wanted to surprise me.”
“What happened next?” Doc asks.