My blood boils as he reads this letter out loud.
“Joshua, you’re an accountant. During the day, you’ll be working while Joey maintains the house.” He pauses and looks at me. “How am I supposed to go to work?”
I shrug, still focusing on yet another fat suit that I have to wear.
“Multiple times a day, you’ll be faced with challenges. Remember, at any time you feel you can’t compete, press the red button outside and your challenge will be over.”
Joshua puts the paper down and picks up the baby doll. It moves, scaring the shit out of him. “This is the most messed up shit ever.”
“If it poops, not it.” I childishly put my index finger on the tip of my nose and stick my tongue out at him.
There’s a buzzer that sounds in the distance and Linda follows telling us that our challenge begins now. I pull out the fat suit and stare at it. It feels like silicon, but with large boobs and a bulging belly. I slide his shirt off and undo my bra. I know he’s staring, but I don’t care. I shimmy into the suit and immediately hate it even though it fits perfectly to my body. Josh chuckles and holds the baby up in front of him, shielding himself so I can’t hit him.
“I hate you.”
“I know, but you’re so sexy.” He steps over and gives me a kiss, causing my heart to skip. He picks up my bra and helps me put it on before handing me his shirt.
“I hope they have more clothes for me because anything I own isn’t going to fit.”
“I probably have to buy you clothes with my fake accounting job. Don’t they know I pay someone to manage my money?”
“I don’t think they care,” I say as the baby doll giggles and starts peeing down his arm.
His eyes go wide. “Did she just pee?”
I nod, covering my mouth. “I suppose we ought to put a diaper on her.”
“Do you know how to do that?”
“Yes, I babysat when I was a teenager.” I take the doll from him and place her on the loveseat, getting a diaper on her, plus some clothes. It’s only seconds later that she lets out a wail. This isn’t going to be fun and games.
“Shit, what do we do?”
“Feed her,” I say, as I try to get up. The weight from my fake belly holds me down and I have to slide to my knees in order to stand. I hand Josh the doll and rummage through the box and see a few of the things that we need, hoping the rest are in the kitchen, although I didn’t see them when we looked. “Bounce her,” I tell him, as I pass with her bottle and formula in my hand.
I’m surprised the water runs, but I have a feeling that anything can happen in Hollywood if you’re willing to put your mind into it. I run the water until its warm and fill her bottle, adding the powder food before putting the top on and shaking, and give Josh a towel to clean himself up with.
I take her from Josh and cradle her in my arms, holding the bottle for her. The sucking sound with lip movement on this doll is far too realistic for my liking. Whoever created her has created a freaking robot. Robots will take over the world if we’re not careful.
“What do we do now?” he asks.
“Um … name her, I guess? I’m not really sure.”
“Right,” he mutters, running his hand over his ball cap. He walks out of the kitchen without another word while I pretend to care about the baby in my arms. I don’t know how long this challenge is supposed to last, but I’m already over it.
I walk through the house and into the living room, expecting to find Josh. Sitting down, I stare at this anatomically correct doll and swear it’s made to look like the both of us. However, I know it’s not possible and I’m just lacking sleep.
“Her room is behind that door we couldn’t open. I took a shot and tried the knob one more time and it opened. There’s a crib and some other things in there, but I don’t know what they are. I’m dad dumb, sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. This isn’t exactly something we had to discuss.” I’m sure Millie and Cole did, though. Josh and I are like the gallon of milk that you forgot about that expired yesterday.
“I know names are supposed to mean something, but honestly there isn’t anyone that I’m close to that I’d want to call even a doll.”
“Is there a name you like?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Not gonna lie, I never thought about having kids.”
“Right … so um, how about something generic like Heather or Apple?”