I said a quick good-bye to Talon, and then we were on our way home.
* * *
Once we walked in the house, I turned to Jonah, taking his hand. “Can you come with me? I want to show you something.”
“Of course.” He followed me to the guest room where my folders were still splayed on the floor.
I was about to do something I had never done. I was going to show someone else the suicide letter from Gina. I had never put it in her official file since it was private correspondence between her and me and had nothing to do with our sessions. I had no idea if she’d left any other notes. Her parents never mentioned any to me, but they hadn’t talked to me much except to accuse me of not recognizing that she was suicidal and then to file a charge against me with the medical board.
If what I suspected was true, Gina did not leave any other suicide notes.
Because she had not committed suicide.
“Jonah, I’m going to trust you with something. Something big.”
“You can trust me with anything.”
I cupped his cheek, his stubble rough against my still-sore fingers. “Thank you. Thank you so much for that.”
“I love you, and I trust you. I want you to know that you can trust me with anything.”
I combed through the files until I found the letter, which had been in the back of Gina’s file. I handed the piece of pink stationery to him.
As he read, I went over the letter in my mind. I had long since memorized its contents.
Dear Dr. Carmichael,
I can no longer go on.
This isn’t your fault. You did your best to try to help me, but I’ll never be able to forget what my uncle did to me when I was so young. I tried, and I prayed that I could heal, but it’s just not in the cards for me.
There’s something else I need to tell you. This isn’t easy for me, and I wish with all my soul that I had the courage to tell you in person.
I love you.
And no, I don’t mean I love you as a friend or as a therapist. I mean I’m in love with you. I’m truly in love with you.
I don’t normally fall in love with women, at least I never have before. The feelings I have for you are so strong that I’m not sure I’ve ever felt anything close to them for anyone, male or female. I dream of kissing your red lips, taking you into my bed and making love. I dream of you holding me in your arms, chasing the beasts away.
I don’t expect you to return my feelings. I know you could never be interested in someone as horribly defective as I am. But before I leave this earth forever, I want you to know how I feel.
Please don’t blame yourself. I know you did your best for me. No one on this earth could have helped me. I’m too damaged. I wanted to be whole, but I know now that I never will be. I’m not good enough for you or anyone else. You deserve so much better.
That’s why I must leave. Please don’t worry about me. I’ve chosen a painless and cowardly way to die. For that’s what I am, a coward. I don’t have anything more to give to this life.
I will love you forever, even beyond the grave.
Yours,
Gina
When he finished, he sat down on the bed. “Wow.”
I sat down next to him, caressing his forearm. “I hope you don’t think less of me because I didn’t tell you about the letter. In truth, I haven’t told anyone. It was personal correspondence to me and not part of her official record. I know I should’ve turned it over to her family when I received it, but I…couldn’t.”
“I don’t think it would have been a bad thing to show it to them,” he said. “But I also don’t think it changes anything. If nothing in your sessions indicated that she was suicidal, you’re still in the clear. After all, the deed was done by the time you got the letter.”
I nodded. “This letter was the bane of my existence for many months, Jonah. I never thought to question its validity. But after having been kidnapped myself and thrown into a garage with a running car, I began to wonder. Could the same thing have happened to Gina?”