I let out a chuckle. “I am. I mean, I was pretty sure I was, but I’m not sure I knew it for a fact until just now.”
“That’s great. She’s awesome. Really smart, too. She caught on at the winery right away.”
Hell, yes, she was awesome and really smart. More importantly, she was giving and caring. And of course, smoking hot. Basically, she was perfect.
“Great? You can’t be serious.”
“Of course I’m serious. But let me ask you this. If you’re in love with her, why in the hell did you ask her to leave?”
“Because, Ryan, you and I both know I have no business loving anyone. Why would she want to be saddled with the mess that is my life?”
“Your life doesn’t have to be a mess, Tal. You can get help.”
“The last time I tried to get help, I ended up at the ER.”
“So? No one ever said this was going to be easy.”
“Easy? Aren’t I due for some easy at this point? My life has been anything but.”
My brother placed his hand on my forearm. We brothers hardly ever touched each other, and though I knew it was for comfort, it only made me uncomfortable.
“I know you haven’t had it easy.”
“You know. But you don’t really know.” I downed another gulp of my whiskey. Good stuff.
“No, I don’t,” my brother said solemnly. “Neither Joe nor I have ever claimed to know exactly what you went through. And you’ve never really opened up about it.”
“Would you have opened up about it, if it had happened to you?”
Ryan shook his head. “Talon, I sure don’t know. I’d like to think I would’ve gotten some help.”
I thumped my fist on the bar, making both of our classes rattle. “You have no idea what you would do.”
“Look, I didn’t mean to hit a nerve.”
No, my brothers never meant to hit a nerve. But they did sometimes. And it wasn’t their fault.
“I’m…sorry,” I said.
I hated those two words, and usually they had to be pulled kicking and screaming from my lips. They came a bit easier this time. In fact, they had been coming easier and easier since I’d met Jade.
“It’s okay, bro. No worries.”
I finished my second whiskey. “I’ve got to get going.”
“Oh, no, you don’t. You know, Joe mentioned that Jade was getting under your skin somehow. I can see she got under further than either he or I could ever imagine.”
I cleared my throat. More even than I could’ve ever imagined.
“I’m going to call Joe. I want him to come over, and the three of us can talk.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think I can do it.”
“Look, you came over here. I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times you’ve gone out of your way to come see me. Which makes me think this is something serious. Let me ask you, Tal. Are you ready to go back to the doc?”
I’d seen a psychologist, Dr. Melanie Carmichael, one time. Twenty-five years had gone by before I’d taken that initiative. Twenty-five years… Why had I done it? For Jade, of course. “Nothing really matters anymore,” I said. “Jade is gone.”
“You can ask her to come back.”