Chapter Seventeen
Talon
Her beautiful mouth dropped into that oblong shape I had seen so often. She would never understand. I was no hero.
They gave me the damned award—tried to give me the medal, but I didn’t want it—for saving six people that day. I was glad I had saved them. Their lives were worth a hell of a lot more than mine. But every time I dragged another one out, still free of bodily injury myself, I carelessly dumped him on the ground and ran back in, hoping to get my fucking head blown off instead of bringing another one to safety.
The time finally came when Waters and a few others literally held me down and wouldn’t let me go back in for yet another man. Little did they know, I wanted to go in and never come out.
Jade sat next to me—her steely blue eyes that haunted me, the beautiful golden-brown hair that cascaded over her milky shoulders, those ruby-red lips I had kissed so many times—and for the first time in a long time, maybe ever, I was actually glad—fucking glad—I hadn’t gotten my head blown off that day.
How I loved her. My mouth wanted to form the words right at the moment and say them.
What would she think if she knew I loved her? She would probably ask how I knew, given the conflicting messages I’d sent her over the last couple months.
“Are you going to say anything, blue eyes?”
She drew her lips into a semi-smile. A forced smile. “I’m not rea
lly sure what to say to you, Talon.”
“Say the first thing that came into your mind.”
She arched her eyebrows and shook her head. “What can I say? I’m glad you didn’t die, Talon. Fucking ecstatic, actually. You mean something to me. You may not understand that, but you do. And you mean something to your brothers and Marj. Did you think about what you coming home in a body bag would have done to them? Do you ever think about anyone but Talon Steel? Why would you want to die? I don’t understand.”
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t respond. She was right on two counts. She didn’t understand, and I hadn’t been thinking about anyone but myself. Truth was, I knew in my heart that the guys and Marj would be better off without me.
She continued, “And honestly? I was surprised.”
That got me. “Why should you be surprised?”
“Because most people have a survival instinct. It’s one thing to go in and rescue people when you care about your men, feel a responsibility toward them. It’s quite another altogether to go in with no regard for your own life.”
The survival instinct.
The fucking survival instinct.
The concept was nothing new to me. God, the things I’d said and done to simply survive, to continue to exist in a nightmare. But after two decades of living with the memories of that horror, my survival instinct had been shot to hell.
Since I couldn’t voice any of this, I again said nothing.
“Really? You’re going to sit there and not respond to me?”
“There’s nothing to say, blue eyes.”
She shook her head. “Fine. At least tell me why you didn’t want this to be national news.”
That was easy. “I didn’t want anyone making a fuss over me about what a selfless act it had been when I knew damned well it wasn’t selfless. It was fucking selfish.”
She slid her hand onto mine. “Talon, whatever your intentions were, the end result was the same, and all those servicemen and their families are beyond grateful.”
Her touch both soothed and agitated me. So much she didn’t understand. “I know. Believe me. I received so many thank-you notes and care packages…” I rolled my eyes.
“And that was a bad thing?”
“Yeah, it was a bad thing, Jade. These people were thanking me, wanting to do things for me, wanting to somehow repay me for saving their loved ones, and all I had been trying to do was get my ass killed.”
“But as I said, the end result was the same. You saved those men.”