Giving Her My Baby

1

Ella

I stare down at the little boy wrapped in my arms as he gives me a full, gummy smile. “I’m going to miss you,” I coo at him. He lets out a little giggle, reaching out and tugging on a lock of my dark hair. He looks so much like his mother. I wonder if my baby would look like me.

I’ve been with the Dickens family for three months now and it’s time for me to go. Leaving is the hardest part of my job. It always is. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep going on like this. Each baby takes a little more from me and I can’t bear much more. As much as I love being around babies, it’s hard when it’s something I want more than anything in the world, something I can remember wanting since I was a little girl and held my first baby doll in my arms.

I glance up at Mrs. Dickens. She’s got her lip between her teeth. “You’ll be fine,” I try to reassure her. Baby Samuel is her first baby, but she’s a great mom. In all honesty I don’t think she even needed me, but some parents really like having a live-in baby nurse when they bring their little ones home from the hospital. It puts them at ease, and even more so with first-time parents.

“I don’t know how we’re going to do this without you.” Worry laces her words as I walk over to her and place Samuel into her arms.

“You’ve got this. You’re more than ready.” She looks down at her baby with so much love. I fight back my own tears as I say my goodbyes and grab my bag.

It’s not until I’m in the back of the taxi that I finally let a tear slip free. I know I’m going to miss little Samuel. I love each baby I care for. I can only imagine the love I’d feel for my own. It’s beyond my comprehension. I know you can’t understand that love until you hold your baby in your arms for the first time.

I stop at the bakery down the street from my mom’s place and grab our favorite sticky pecan rolls before going home. She’s been working like crazy for the past few months after someone quit at the hospital. I haven’t seen her in weeks and I miss her.

“Mom, I’m home,” I call out when I enter through the backdoor. I thought when I went to college my mom would move into the city and out of the suburbs, but she never did. She’s always been the one who loves the hustle and bustle of the city. I’m more low key and like being on the outskirts.

I moved back in with my mom after I graduated from college. I’m not sure you can call it “living with her” because technically I only stay with her in my old room when I’m between jobs. Which isn’t often. It’s not hard to find a job in my field. Live-in baby nurses can be hard to come by. Plus, I’d graduated top of my class and my list of recommendations speaks for itself. Many times families would try to get me to stay on longer, but I always said no. I’m scared I’ll get too attached. And a bigger part of me thinks that one day I’ll be starting a family of my own. That day hasn’t happened yet, and I’ve decided to do something about it.

I pause when I see my mom standing over the dining room table with my folders scattered out on top of it. My mom is a pediatrician and scrubs make up her entire wardrobe. She’s in light blue today.

I guess loving babies runs in our blood, though my mom only ever had me. She works at the local hospital a few miles away and I still remember when I was little she would take me to the hospital with her. I never liked that she didn’t get to spend much time with each baby. That’s why I chose to be a nurse. Then when I heard about live-in baby nurses I thought that couldn’t be more perfect for me.

She looks up at me with the same rich brown eyes I see every day in the mirror. Only hers have a few fine lines around them.

“You’re going to move out, too?” she asks, holding up one of the real estate ads I printed out.

“I was just looking,” I admit.

I step into the dining room and set the box down on the table against the wall before walking over to my mom. She pulls me into a hug and it feels like home.

“I know you want to do this, and I’m on board. I’ll support you, Ella. I just thought you’d be staying here. I could help more that way.”