“It’s okay,” she said. “I understand.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say.”
“The blade, Marj. I understand.”
“But I lied to you. Again. And to Bryce.”
“I’m not going to condone lying. Not to your therapist and especially not to your significant other. But the fact is you had the blade when you needed it. Something held you back, and it turned out your instinct was on the nose.”
“But that’s not why—”
“It’s okay. Really. Maybe I was wrong to insist you get rid of it. Therapists aren’t always right, you know. We do make mistakes sometimes.”
“You didn’t make any mistakes with Talon.”
“Childhood trauma is my specialty,” she said. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t make mistakes with your brother. Just because his outcome was great doesn’t mean I did everything perfectly. Perfection isn’t possible, Marj.”
Perfection isn’t possible.
No truer words.
Was that my issue? I wanted perfection in my life? No, not really. I wasn’t ever consumed with perfection…until I started cutting.
It had been my outlet, my way to stay sane when thinking about what my conception had cost my middle brother. Now, I wanted desperately to stop. Go cold turkey. Be strong enough not to need the security blanket.
Yes, I wanted perfection.
I wanted to be able to not need that stupid blade.
“You’re berating yourself,” Melanie said. “I can see it on your face.”
I couldn’t help a soft laugh. “You’re good.”
The nurse came in before Mel could respond. “How did he do?”
“Hard to say,” Mel said, “but he latched on well. I sure felt that.”
“You’ll get used to that. It’s painful for the first couple days. Right now, you’re only producing colostrum. Wait until your milk comes in. Then he’ll be feasting.” She took the baby into her arms. “Better get him back to NICU.”
Melanie simply smiled. “Thank you.”
Once the nurse had left, I said, “You’re a doctor. You know all about colostrum, right?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Does it bug you when medical professionals tell you things you already know?”
“Not really. They’re just doing their jobs.”
“That would drive me nuts,” I said.
“That’s because your brothers constantly do that to you.” Melanie laughed.
I joined in her laughter. “You really are good.”
“I just know the Steel men,” she said. “I know how they treat you. But they truly do it out of love, Marj.”
“I know. It’s still annoying, though. Sometimes they talk about me like I’m not even in the same room.”