He nodded. “I was one of the lucky ones.” He closed his eyes. Black-and-red images clouded his mind, threatened to pull him in. He mentally pushed them away. “I was big enough and strong enough to avoid the…rapists.”
“Oh, thank God.” Maria let out a breath. “I was afraid—”
Jeff held out his hand to stop her. “There were nights I wished I hadn’t been so lucky.”
“What?”
“You don’t understand. To be witness to that kind of cruelty. The pain they inflicted…” He shook his head. “I tried to stop it once. I got beaten so badly I spent a few weeks in the infirmary. And the poor boy got it twice as violently because of my interference.”
Maria’s face paled. She swallowed again. She was trying to hold it together for him. He clamped his hand to his mouth, his stomach churning. How could he do this to her?
“I’m okay,” she said. “Go on.”
“There was never any quiet. At night, I heard the wails of the smaller boys who were targeted by the rape gangs. It was…” How could he describe this? “They’d scream and scream, all kinds of voices, some high, some deep—but I always knew the exact time they got penetrated. The scream became a cry for help. A pleading. The sound was…different, like an appeal. A prayer. I know that doesn’t make sense. And I can’t describe it any better.”
She exhaled. “I understand.”
But she didn’t. She couldn’t.
“And the fighting. There was one guy. He was called Big Chuck. He was there when I got there, and still there when I left. I watched the man age thirty years, but I swear, he still looked the same to me. He was a big bear of a guy. Pale and silvery blond. He looked Scandinavian. His sidekick, Jamal, was black as coffee. They were polar opposites, but only in looks. They had the same ruthless taste for infliction of pain and humiliation.”
Maria squeezed his hand harder. He could tell this was hard for her, but she kept nodding, kept saying, “Yes.” So he went on.
“They were both huge. Chuck was a little bigger. Maybe that’s why he was the leader. Hell if I know. He was also a little meaner. Though Jamal was one mean motherfucker.” He looked up. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I have heard those words before.” She gave him a tentative smile. “Do you think they were gay?”
He shook his head. “Nah. I suppose it’s possible, but I doubt it. Wouldn’t have mattered anyway. This wasn’t about relationships or orientation. It was about humiliation, violence. Besides, to be gay or straight you have to be human first. These two were animals. The other big fellas either stayed the hell away from them, like I did, or joined in, depending on how evil they were. The smaller fellas didn’t stand a chance. They either allied with one of the larger guys in exchange for protection, or they tried to remain invisible. Some of them were better at that than others.
“I remember this one boy. I don’t even know his name. He was small, with feminine features. A beautiful kid. He could have been one of those androgynous Calvin Klein models. He was that pretty. He had blond hair and blue eyes, couldn’t have been more than eighteen or nineteen.
“I never even knew his name or what he was in for. They never left him alone. He died within a few months from the abuse.”
Maria clasped her hand to her mouth but quickly removed it. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s terrible. You should be reacting that way. You wouldn’t be human otherwise.”
She gazed into his eyes, her own eyes moistening. “He was the one you tried to save.”
Jeff nodded, his throat constricting. He cleared it and went on.
“There were others too, of course. Usually the younger, smaller boys, but sometimes the gang would target a bigger one.”
“But you…”
He shook his head. “I was one of the lucky ones. I was big enough and masculine enough…and I made the right friends quickly. That was key.”
A tear slid down Maria’s cheek. “I’m glad.”
Jeff looked at the ceiling. “Glad?”
“Of course. I’m glad you didn’t have to…go through that.”
“You’re not understanding, Mia. I did go through it. Every night. And the only thing that kept me from trying to stop it again was knowing they’d be all the harder on their victim if I interfered. Trust me, I would have landed back in that infirmary every time if I’d thought I could have made it even a little easier on those kids.”
“Oh my God, Jeff.” Maria had a far-off look in her eyes, as if knowledge had dawned on her.
“What?”