“I am different,” he replied, not meeting her eyes.
His words and the accompanying emotions fell over her like a heavy blanket. The walls of the stable moved together, pinning her in place, and her heart sped up, thumping so hard she could feel it.
He wants a way out. He doesn’t want to be my soulmate. I knew he was faking it. I could tell. He’s been acting happy and sweet all the time. He doesn’t even argue with me anymore.
“What happened?” she croaked, forcing the words through her constricted windpipe.
He jerked his shirt up, exposing the angry red scars. “This happened! And Vindrake captured you again. And Jireo’s leg may never be the same. And Laethan died. And so did a lot of fine Stone Clan warriors. All under my watch!”
He kicked a nearby bale of hay, sending a puff of dust and debris into the air.
“You can’t control everything, Kaevin. It’s not like all that stuff is your fault.”
“Two days, Alora! I was Stone Clan leader for two days, and look what happened. Father hasn’t spoken of it, but I’m certain he’s disappointed. Probably disgusted. Else why would he have given us permission to save Bardamen, knowing we would likely die?”
“Kaevin! You know that’s not true! Your father loves you.”
“He could have forbidden it.” Kaevin’s face was shining with tears. “The decision was his to make, yet he deferred to us, knowing we couldn’t refuse to try.”
“Oh, Kaevin...” Alora stood up, reaching out to hug him, but he moved away.
“No, don’t, there’s more...” His hands covered his face, but she could see his shoulders shaking as he wept.
She felt it then. Guilt... heavy... suffocating.
What has he done?
“You never knew... no one knew... except Jireo...”
“Whatever it is, I still love you, Kaevin.”
“Don’t say that—you can’t know that. I’m not the man you think I am. I’m a coward.”
“You’re not a—”
“I am! I didn’t want to face my failures. Or my father. Or the families of the warriors who perished. Or the pain of my injury.”
“That’s just being human, Kaevin. Of course those things are hard. But no one thinks you’re responsible for what happened in Glaenshire... no one but you. Everything that happened was because of my father and his evil.”
He turned his head away. “I can’t blame Vindrake for what I did after he was gone.”
She waited. She couldn’t begin to guess what he might confess.
“I was such a coward.” Pain crumpled his face. “I simply wished to die. To be free from everything. So, when you were saving Bardamen...” His voice cracked. “I... I didn’t try to reach you. I knew I could, but I let you go.”
She couldn’t think. She couldn’t breathe. Her ears rang like after the gunshots.
He chose to let me die. To let us die.
She groped blindly for the wall, sliding down to sit on the plank floor. She couldn’t make sense of his words. It wasn’t like the Kaevin she knew.
“Jireo knew,” he sobbed. “He made me save you. He forced me to keep us alive. I only wanted it to be over.”
He continued to cry, as she’d never seen him before, folding to the ground on the opposite wall.
“You despise me, don’t you? You must. I deserve your hatred... your disgust.”
“No, I don’t hate you, but something is different—something else. This isn’t you. You wouldn’t do that.”