‘I tried not to,’ he admitted.
‘Because I had once fancied myself in love with Daniel?’ Was he going to come to her or were they to stay marooned, either side of the wide old table?
‘No.’ Callum’s mouth twisted into a self-mocking smile. ‘Nothing as acceptable as that. I did not want to care for anyone else. Not for Will, certainly not for you. It hurt too much and where Dan had been, part of me, all my life, there was nothing. Just a black, aching hole. How could I lay myself open to that sort of loss again?’
‘But you looked after me,’ Sophia offered. He had done that, and now he had followed her, realised where she had gone. Surely she could take the first step now. She skirted the table until she was standing in front of him, not quite within touching distance. Your move now, my love, she thought.
‘I’m very good at that,’ Callum said. ‘I looked after Dan instead of forcing him to stand on his own two feet. I manoeuvred you into marrying me because I thought it was the right thing for you. I immersed myself in Company business so I could become rich, buy you a big house, buy myself a title perhaps. I did not stop to ask myself if that was what I wanted, or ask you what you needed. What I needed to do to earn your trust.’
‘I need you to hold me,’ she whispered and took that last step forwards. Callum pulled her into his arms, against his chest. She felt the deep, shuddering sigh rack him, then he was still. The weight on her head, she thought, was his cheek. ‘This is all I wanted, Callum. Not houses, not money, not a title. Not even the lovemaking, although that is wonderful. I should have trusted you, told you about the drawings. I am very sorry, but I could not reach you, somehow, I could not let go and trust completely. I just need you, Callum, not you behind a pane of glass, keeping me out.’
‘I did that?’
‘Yes. But then you could be so understanding and gradually I thought you were accepting me. For hours at a time I thought it would be all right and then you cut me off again. But I almost disgraced you in front of your friends and relatives and people on whom your career depends and you defended me.’
‘I can speak six languages,’ Callum said, the words rumbling against her ear as she stood crushed to his chest. ‘I can stand in front of the Court of Directors of the East India Company and convince them to make a change of policy, I can make money and I can administer justice in a foreign country. What I found I could not do was to tell a woman I loved her.’
For a moment Sophia thought she had not heard him correctly. ‘Love? You love me?’ She wriggled until she could tip back her head and gaze into his face. He looked, for the first time since she had known him, uncertain.
‘Yes. I kept trying to tell you, then deciding the time was not right. It seems that neither of us dared take that final step and trust each other. Do you mind that I love you?’
‘Mind?’ Sophia bit her lip to steady herself because she did not know whether to laugh or cry. ‘Mind that my husband who I love with all my heart loves me? No, my darling Callum. All I mind is not knowing sooner.’
He sat down, hard. Fortunately the table was behind him. Sophia found their eyes were on a level as she stood in the circle of his arms. His hazel gaze held all the warmth she could ever want and the dark brown that she had come to associate with pain or worry had gone, replaced with glittering green. ‘You love me? We have a love match and neither of us realised?’ His grin took years off his age. ‘How long? When did you realise you loved me?’
‘When I saw Averil in your arms. I was so jealous I could have scratched her eyes out—and then so relieved when I discovered who she was. So I thought about it and realised why I felt like that.’
Callum pulled her tight back against his body, his thighs cradling her, his bristly cheek pressed to hers. She didn’t mind; the rasp of his evening beard somehow made this real, believable.
‘Thank heavens for jealousy,’ he said, rubbing one big palm in comforting circles on her back. ‘I found I was beginning to understand your feelings, almost as I would understand Dan’s, and I realised I was letting you into my emotions, into my heart. I thought how I would feel if I lost you and realised that I loved you. I had nightmares about losing you. So I set out to court you, so I could work round to saying it—only it was far harder to manage my emotions then. I wanted to be controlled, moderate, do the right thing, but I cared too much, I was too frightened of losing you.’ His arms locked tight.
‘You will lose me if you suffocate me!’ Sophia struggled free and found she could laugh. Perhaps she had to, or she would burst with the happiness bubbling up inside her.
‘I thought I had.’ Callum looked so serious that she sobered, shaken by the intensity in his voi
ce. ‘I thought I had driven you away. I was cruel last night, I meant to punish you without words or blows. Dita said you wanted somewhere warm—and I remembered your reaction when we came here that day. I have no idea what I would have done if I had not found you tonight.’
‘I am sorry I left, but I wanted to think,’ she explained, stumbling over the words. ‘I believed I had to resign myself to a marriage without love and I thought I had forfeited all right to hope for it. Somehow I did not have the courage to face you, knowing that, and I had to find it again, find the strength to go on. I have been a sad trial to you.’
‘You made a mistake because we had not learned to trust each other or understand what mattered. You are not a trial, wife.’ Callum cupped her face in his hands and studied it, the smile coming back to warm his eyes. Her gaze rested on the sensual curve of his mouth and heat pooled in her belly. ‘You are, I think, my salvation. I did not understand about your art,’ he murmured. ‘I am sorry for that. Will you draw family portraits? We will have private editions of your work done, just for the family. You can even sell to Ackermann so long as it is anonymous.’
‘Don’t you mind?’
‘No. I am proud of you and your talent.’ Something in the way she was looking at him seemed to register and the smile became provocative. ‘Shall we go to the Hall and beg a bed for the night?’
‘There is one made up here.’ She did not pretend to misunderstand. Callum was not in need of a good night’s sleep.
‘The same bedchamber as that kiss that made you so angry with me? Don’t you mind?’
‘Not at all. It was a very good kiss, although I was hoping for a little more this time perhaps …’
‘You little witch! If you want more, you shall have it.’ Callum straightened, rocked her off balance and swept her up in his arms. He strode to the half-open door, shouldered his way out into the hall and made for the front door.
‘Callum! That’s the door to the outside—the stairs are over there.’
‘Sir? Ma’am?’ Chivers came running from the kitchen, a lamp in her hand.
‘Open the front door, Chivers.’