She most certainly didn’t want to learn that her reckless, charming, rather wild twin had thrown his life away in some stupid, pointless charge such as Madame le Brun had described. And got himself butchered.
She came to a dead halt the moment she entered Tom’s room and just stared at him, her arms wrapped round her middle.
He’d been reading a newspaper, by the looks of it. Pages were scattered all over the bed.
‘What is it? What has happened?’ He stretched out his hand to her, causing a flurry of newsprint to drift to the floor.
Sarah ran to him. Flung herself into his arms and buried her face in his shoulder.
He rocked her, stroked her hair, but didn’t say a word. Didn’t tell her it was going to be all right and she shouldn’t get herself into a state. He just waited, patiently, until she felt ready to form words.
‘Gideon,’ she said, sitting up and pushing her hair off her face. ‘He was in the cavalry. And Madame le Brun said...about the cavalry... There have been stories about how they all charged about in disorder and got themselves cut to pieces without doing any good. And I can’t bear it. I can’t bear to think of him throwing his life away in such a stupid fashion.’
‘He didn’t. I’m sure he didn’t.’
She pulled herself out of his arms, his words jarring deep. ‘Tom...don’t. Don’t mouth stupid platitudes at me. Not you of all people!’
‘Me of all people? What do you mean by that?’
Yes, what did she mean? Why had it hurt so much to have her fears dismissed as though they were nothing? ‘I thought...I thought...’ He’d kept saying she was an angel. Looking at her as though he almost worshipped her. But now he’d spoken to her just the way everyone else did.
Had it been an act, after all? The practised charm of a rake? ‘I’ve been such a fool,’ she gasped. ‘I actually thought you respected me. That you would be honest with me if nothing else. That you wouldn’t treat me as though I’m completely bird-witted!’
He took her shoulders firmly and looked straight into her eyes.
‘I do respect you, Sarah. You have no idea how much. And I don’t think you’re in the least bit bird-witted. I think you’re perfect.’ He traced the line of her jaw with one finger.
She pulled back, only preventing herself from slapping his hand by an immense effort of will. This was absolutely not the time for him to finally start with the flirtatious gestures.
‘And I would never lie to you, do you hear me?’
But he just had.
‘I think we both know that I’m very far from perfect,’ she began bitterly.
‘Why can you not see what I see? Why can you not believe in yourself?’
‘Because...’ She shook her head irritably. ‘Oh, there are too many reasons to go into them now. But if you really do mean to be honest with me, then what do you mean about being sure he didn’t throw his life away?’
‘Just think about it, Lady Sarah. Your brother died at Quatre Bras. It wasn’t anything to do with a cavalry charge, so far as I know. No—from things I heard, he was with Colonel Randall at the time.’
‘He was with Justin?’ She stared at him in confusion. ‘Why is this the first I’ve heard of it? Why didn’t you tell me before?’
He let go of her. Looked down at his hands as he clasped them over his stomach. ‘I’m sorry. I should have thought of it. Knowing that you only came to Brussels at all to find him. Your twin.’ He sighed. Looked up at her, his eyes bleak. ‘The surgeon was right. In part, at least. I...I don’t remember all that much about the battle. Just impressions, really, of the hours immediately before I was injured. And then nothing, until I started coming round and couldn’t move because I’d been buried under all that masonry.’ He grimaced as if in remembered pain. ‘That episode stuck in the forefront of my mind, to be honest. It was only when you talked about hearing the cannon fire on Friday, it came back to me. That was Quatre Bras. That was where he died, wasn’t it?’
‘Yes. That’s right. I...’ Her stomach gave a funny lurch. ‘I just panicked, didn’t I, when Madame le Brun started talking about the way so many of the cavalry officers died in the battle on Sunday.’ She’d overreacted to him saying he didn’t think Gideon had thrown his life away, too. Tom hadn’t been dismissing her fears, the way others would. No, he’d really meant it. He had grounds for saying what he had. Only, it had hurt so much to th
ink he might not be taking her seriously, after the way he’d made her think...
She shook her head. She wasn’t going to waste time wondering what Tom thought of her, let alone what she thought of him. It was irrelevant! She’d come to Brussels to find out what had happened to Gideon. She shouldn’t have let Tom sidetrack her so completely.
Although, it wasn’t all his fault. She rubbed at her brow. ‘You know, part of me still can’t grasp the fact that he’s dead. I came to Brussels convinced he couldn’t be dead. It was only when I rode over the battlefield where I found you, and saw all the...’ She shuddered. ‘Saw how frail men’s bodies really are.’
‘Sarah.’ He reached for her, took her into his arms and drew her head to his chest.
And it felt so good that she just nestled there. Listening to the strong beat of his heart under her cheek. Feeling the strength of his arms, holding her. Keeping the rest of the world at bay.
Keeping the reality of her bereavement at bay.