Madame le Brun carried on doling out sympathy and good cheer along with the soup, and somehow had Sarah back upstairs and sitting down at the table with Tom to a meal which included some thickly sliced ham, coddled eggs and thinly sliced cucumber, as well as the soup, without once letting her give way to her grief.
It was only after she’d consumed about half a bowl of soup that Sarah’s conscience reminded her she had no right to enjoy anything.
‘What is it,’ said Tom. ‘Not hungry?’
She flung her spoon aside in disgust. ‘I have no right to be. I had vowed to go and visit Justin this morning. But after the chapel, I...’ She shook her head.
‘You can still go. Later.’
‘If I get there and find he’s died, while I was wandering about the shops...I’m never going to forgive myself.’
‘I shouldn’t think it likely, now. And before you rip up at me about not taking you seriously, listen to me,’ he said, laying his hand on the back of her wrist. ‘Just listen. If he had died, or if there was any danger of him doing so, don’t you think Miss Endacott would have urged you to go and sit at his bedside?’
‘I don’t know. I think she would rather keep me away, lest I aggravate his condition.’
‘That may be the best course,’ said Tom, with a particularly firm look on his face. ‘You say you would never forgive yourself if he died before you saw him again, but how much worse would you feel if you went and he grew upset over us, and had a fatal relapse?’
‘You are right,’ she admitted shakily. The soup
she’d already eaten curdled in her stomach. ‘Perhaps I should stay away until he’s completely out of danger,’ she said in a small voice.
‘Look,’ he said, rather more gently. ‘The fact that she has let you know he’s had an operation must mean she has more hope for him, don’t you think? And this may sound rather brutal, but the fact that he’s survived that operation at all is the critical thing. That was the most dangerous point, for him.’
‘I just feel so...’ She pursed her lips, and shook her head, searching for the words to explain. ‘Useless. I’ve always been useless, I know that, but it hits particularly hard, knowing Justin is lying there, fighting for his life, and what did I do? I went shopping, Tom. Shopping!’
‘You went to the chapel first, to pay your respects to your twin. You are grieving, Sarah, you can’t expect to be in any fit state to do much. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Why, you have done wonders for me.’
‘Yes.’ She turned her hand over to grasp hold of his. ‘At least you didn’t become one of those officers who died of their injuries while waiting for a proper doctor to see to them.’
‘No. I owe you my life.’
‘It wasn’t just me,’ she put in hastily. ‘Your Rogues made sure I was going to be able to look after you. They even stole a French ambulance to get you back here in comfort.’
A wry grin twisted his beautiful mouth. ‘One thing you have to say for the way your brother has set up his troop of Rogues—we never leave one of our own behind.’
She bit down on her lower lip. ‘That was what Major Flint did, wasn’t it? He took charge of Gideon’s body, since Justin wasn’t able to do it. Just as though Gideon was one of his own Rogues. Oh, dear...’ She shut her eyes on yet another wave of guilt. ‘I really shouldn’t have thrown that flower pot at him, should I? Adam had only come to tell me where Gideon was. He hadn’t come to interfere, or blacken my name. Not on purpose.’
‘No, but he need not have called you those foul names,’ said Tom hotly. ‘I could run him through for thinking, for one moment, that you would...you would...’ He ground his teeth.
‘I don’t think,’ she said mildly, ‘you are quite up to running him through, are you?’
‘No, but I could shoot him,’ he finished grimly.
‘I beg your pardon, but didn’t you tell me that your pistols had been stolen?’
‘A minor inconvenience,’ said Tom, making a dismissive gesture with his free hand. ‘I can soon buy some more.’
‘Well, I don’t want you to shoot him,’ she said tartly. ‘If you two fought a duel over me, it would be bound to cause a dreadful scandal. Not that I care,’ she added hastily, in case he thought she regretted any part of their few days together.
‘Well, I care,’ he grumbled. ‘You shouldn’t have to forfeit your position in society because of the selfless way you’ve looked after me, this week.’
‘I don’t give that for it,’ she said, snapping her fingers. ‘If you’d ever been a part of society, you’d know that mostly it is one long struggle for position. Everyone is trying to impress everyone else. Either by having more money, or more influence than anyone else. And most of them are trying to drag others down, so that they can clamber over their shredded reputations. It’s brutal.’ She shuddered.
‘But you have been one of the leading ladies,’ he said with a frown.
She pursed her lips. ‘Only because of my family. I never really took part in any of the posturing and striving for position. I would gladly have stayed at Chalfont Magna all year round if only Mama would have permitted it. But she would have made such a fuss. It was easier to go along with Mama’s plans—to pretend to go along with them, anyway, than openly defy her. I...’ She shook her head ruefully. ‘I went to all the balls, endured those London Seasons, even behaved like a pattern card of virtue at Chalfont Magna, because it all seemed so much easier. I didn’t even speak out when Mama decided to hire a governess and keep me close under her eye, rather than risk sending me away to school. Harriet came home with her head stuffed full of radical ideas, you see. You should have heard the commotion when she swore she would never marry, because it went against her principles.’
‘She is the one who is married to a scholar of some sort, isn’t she?’