Alien and the Wedding Planner

Ice inclined his head with a flourish. “We are thespian, my good man.”

“Hear ye, hear ye,” added Commander Storm, on cue, as he’d been briefed earlier.

“Right.” The man gave out a little piggish snort. “Follow me.” He led them to the back of the store where several rows of hanging racks were laden with carelessly tossed men’s clothing. “This is what we have right now. Nothing fancy. Did you guys lose your luggage or something?”

“Indeed. Just our luck.” Ice feigned distress.

The man shrugged. “Let me know if you find something you like.”

“Much obliged.”

As soon as the shopkeeper was out of their earshot, Storm whispered conspiratorially, “I think we’ve wandered into a used clothing store.”

Ice rolled his eyes. “That’s quite obvious, isn’t it?”

Storm picked up a raggedy-looking hat with distaste. “I’d like to revise my previous observation. This is a refuse store. This place is ripe with a myriad of health code violations.” In Crimea, the sale of used goods, especially clothing and intimate items, were prohibited due to safety concerns. Used goods were collected, disinfected, and sent straight to recycling centers.

“Too bad, we have to work with what we have.” Ice rummaged the racks to find something that would fit them. The picking was slim, unfortunately. He was on the tall side. So was Commander Storm, plus his muscular girth. Nevertheless, Ice finally found some clothing that would fit them. He recalled the name of each piece from his researcher’s report: sweatpants, baggy sweater, T-shirt. Wooly duster. They changed their clothes but kept their boots because Ice couldn’t find anything that would fit their sizes. When they emerged in the front of the store, the storekeeper looked even more amused.

“Find anything you like?” he asked Ice. His question was more like a statement.

“These will do.” Ice gave the human his Visa card.

The storekeeper shook his head. “Nah. Keep them. It’s on the house.”

“Beg your pardon?”

“They’re free.”

Ice was stunned. “Much gratitude. But why?”

“You guys are funny.”

The first place Ice wanted to check was the humans’ local library. With computers filled with knowledge about anything related to humans, the place was a treasure trove of information. After checking his BRI interface for the closest location, they found one not far away.

But the library wasn’t open yet and they had to wait outside. Storm was getting grumpier by the Earth-minute as they sat on the concrete steps in front of the building. When a woman approached with keys in her hand, they stood.

“My,” she said with a laugh that sounded nervous to Ice. “Eager readers, are we?” She hesitated before unlocking the door. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in my library before.”

Storm went rigid, almost standing at attention. “No, ma’am. It’s our first visit here. Can you help us find something?”

“Oh, of course I can.” She looked over her shoulder at the parking lot, then unlocked the door and hurried behind the long desk. She pointed at a row of what appeared to be primitive monitors. “Those are all ready to go with the card catalog, but I’m happy to help you if you’re unfamiliar with it.”

“We require information about human love and mating customs,” Storm said. “Where can we find that?”

The woman blinked several times. “Human…sexuality?”

“Yes,” Storm said with enthusiasm. “Human sexual practices, love rituals, the things that lead a man to want to impregnate a woman and—”

“Sir, you’re making me very uncomfortable, to be honest. I’m going to have to ask you to come back at a later time.”

Storm tilted his head. “I’m sorry you’re uncomfortable. But if we can just study the things that make humans’ genitals swell and prompt them to—”

“Sir! I’m going to call the police if you don’t leave. You’re welcome to come back later when there are more people here, but I’m uncomfortable right now and telling you to go.” Her hand rested on what Ice had learned was a communication device called a telephone.

“Forgive us,” Ice said, and grabbed Storm’s arm to pull him out of the library.

“I don’t understand.” Storm looked over his shoulder at the woman. “Perhaps these clothes aren’t right after all?”