Emergency Engagement (Love Emergency 1)

Her heart skipped a couple beats, but she kept her voice calm. “Why not?”

“Because I love you.” The words came out like a criminal’s confession. He raked a hand through his hair and took a step back. “I didn’t plan to fall in love with you. I wasn’t looking for that to happen.” He retreated another step. “But it did.”

“Beau…” She took a step toward him, and he retreated again, until he had the wall at his back.

“The whole thing scares me to death. You…the baby…feeling this intensely about something again, but I can’t shove the emotions into some closet and lock them away. They’re there, and there’s nothing I can do but accept them. And I have. I told you before Christmas I didn’t make promises unless I was one hundred percent sure I could deliver. I swear to God, Savannah, if you trust me, I won’t run again. I’ll be there for you and this baby. I promise.”

Something hot splashed on the hand she had pressed to her chest, and she realized she was crying. She scrubbed her palm over her cheeks to wipe away the tears. “I’m sorry, Beau. I know this is hard for you, and I don’t want to appear ungrateful for all the soul-searching you’ve done, and everything you’ve said, but I can’t move forward if this is how you feel.”

“You can’t stay if I love you, and promise to be here for you and the baby?” He shook his head, rejecting her refusal. “I don’t understand.”

“I can’t stay because you don’t want to love me. In your own words, you’re terrified. You’re trapped by your feelings. Look at you,” she went on, gesturing toward him when he would have interrupted. “You couldn’t even finish the conversation without backing yourself into a corner.”

He pushed away from the wall and closed the distance between them. “My anxiety isn’t a reflection on you or the baby. It’s about risks I have absolutely no control over—and yes, they terrify me. I can’t erase my past.”

“I know. And I understand your fears. Honestly, I do. If it were just you and me, I could be patient and hope your reluctant love evolved into something more enthusiastic and generous, but it’s not just you and me. Our baby deserves joyful, enthusiastic, generous love, right from the start.” She hesitated as he prowled the room like a caged animal, but then added the last bit of truth. “Just like your first one.”

“That’s not fair. I’m not the same man I was three years ago, and there’s nothing—nothing,” he repeated, and pounded a fist on the wall, “I can do about it. Don’t you think I wish I could be that guy again? Don’t you think if I had the power to magically change, I would? Tell me how to do it, Savannah, and I will.”

Her heart broke for him…and for herself. “I don’t know how to help you let go of the fear. I wish I did. I can only tell you what we need. Accepting anything less is unfair to all of us.” There was nothing left to say, and standing there crying wouldn’t change anything. She hitched her purse straps onto her shoulder and walked to the door. “I have to go.”

“Fine.” He stepped in front of her, blocking the door. Tension radiated from every line of his body. “I’ll figure it out. I’ll go to therapy, or church, or whatever you want. Just don’t leave.”

“This isn’t about you jumping through hoops to satisfy me. That’s not the right answer. Go to therapy if you want to go to therapy. Attend church if you think faith will help you find what you need.”

“You’re the one putting me in a trap now. There’s nothing I can say at this moment to convince you to stay with me.”

She swallowed the lump in her throat and walked past him into the hallway. “I’ll text you updates on the baby, if you’d like.”

He dropped his head and stared at the ground for a long moment, and she thought he might tell her to go to hell, but when he finally looked up, his expression was impossible to read. “I’d appreciate that.” A few long strides brought him into the hall beside her. “I’d appreciate hearing from you in general.”

She locked the door and then went up on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. “I can do that.” It took every ounce of her willpower not to wrap her arms around him and burrow into his strength. His warmth. The weakness came out in the form of one last, long inhale, to commit his scent to memory. She pulled away before her resolve crumbled. Blinking back tears, she muttered, “Take care of yourself.” And she left.

Chapter Twenty-One

Beau wandered around his living room, unable to sit still. Traps were the theme of the evening, and right now, the four blank white walls of his apartment felt like one. Since Sunday night when he’d come home from work to find Savannah’s things gone, the lack of warmth and energy in the space had h

it him like a fist to the gut. How had he lived like this for so long?

Only one splash of color drew his eye. The glass bouquet Savannah had made sat on his end table. The little serpent mocked him from the rim. He looked away, and his gaze snagged on the box his mom had given him for Christmas, which he’d placed on the coffee table days ago and not bothered to move. He walked over to it and lifted the lid. Four photo albums rested inside. One he recognized from his trip down memory lane with Savannah. Seeing the light blue cover brought too many recent memories bubbling to the surface. He grabbed a white album instead and sat on the couch.

A satin ribbon looped into a bow across the front of the album, and something about that made his stomach clench. He opened the cover to reveal a protective parchment paper page with the words “Our Wedding” embossed in silver. Shit. He almost closed the album, but he could already see an image through the thin paper. He turned the page and confronted a black-and-white portrait of Kelli decked out in her wedding gown, standing in front of a large window covered by thin white drapes. Her back was to the camera, her radiant face in profile and a gentle smile curving her lips. She looked young and happy. Incredibly alive.

The next page featured a funny shot of Kelli and her bridesmaids doing a Zoolander supermodel thing for the camera. He kept flipping—his dad had been busy that day—and paused to look at a picture of his groomsmen and him dressed in their tuxes, playing Texas Hold’em in the suite before the ceremony. He’d gone all-in, and won, thanks to drawing into four-of-a-kind on the river to beat Hunter’s full house. Yeah, he’d been one lucky bastard back then.

There were shots of the reception, him and Kelli feeding each other cake, Hunter giving a best-man toast Beau had yet to live down, Kelli and him in each other’s arms, taking their first dance as husband and wife. The album ended with a picture of them standing in an alcove at the reception, kissing. God, he’d loved her. He remembered the moment clearly, remembered practically bursting with happiness he never once stopped to second-guess. The guy in the picture had no fear. Then again, the guy in the picture had no fucking clue what the future held.

He put the album aside and reached for the next one. The pink quilted cover warned him, but he pulled it out anyway. A tiny pink handprint filled one photo square on the front of the book, and an only slightly larger pink footprint filled the other. Beneath, dark pink letters spelled “Abbey.” He ran his finger over the little palm print. So small and perfect. Acid hot tears blurred his vision, but he wiped them away with an impatient hand and opened the cover.

And there she was.

Hi, baby. Sorry Daddy’s such a mess. I didn’t expect to see you today.

He traced her sweet newborn face, all cheeks, squinting eyes, and pouty little mouth. The barest hint of a pointed chin just like her mother’s.

Jesus. A wounded animal sound wrenched up from his chest, but he couldn’t look away. He flipped the pages, greedily drinking in pictures. Kelli in the hospital bed, holding Abbey in her arms and glowing like an angel despite five hours of labor and no epidural. Him, standing by the window, grinning like an idiot and holding Abbey for the first time.

He kept turning pages. There were a surprising number of pictures considering she’d only been four months old when he’d lost her. The shot of her dressed like a pumpkin for her first Halloween pried a laugh out of him, as did a black-and-white photo of her in her baby bath, splashing herself in the face and giggling. She smiled a lot. And everyone around her smiled, too. Grandma, Mommy…Daddy. He closed the book and ran his hand over the cover. Those four months had been the happiest of his life.