I mean, how could it be? The kid was mine.
Mine.
I sank to the floor right where I stood and dropped my head into my hands.
If she thought this behavior was odd, she did not say. Instead, she swung her long legs over the side of the mattress and tugged the sheet around her. “I would have disclosed it before accepting the nanny job had I known.” Her voice was cool. Practically dripping with ice. “Actually, I don’t recall ever saying yes so much as being badgered into it.”
“Sure. Right. Blame me. I made you take the nanny job. I suppose I made you sleep with me too. Both times.”
“You didn’t make me have sex with you either time. I quite enjoyed it.”
Although I suspected that frost in her tone was a defense mechanism, I had a few of my own, and they were all just as detestable. “Enough that you didn’t think you should tell me about this new development before you sucked—”
“Asher.” My name was a whip that shut me the hell up.
Why was I being such a dick to her? She hadn’t caused this. It took two. But she was so goddamn calm, and inside me, it felt as if a hurricane was raging.
“You’ve never been in my situation. You have no right to question why I do anything.”
I scrubbed my face. My eyes were burning as if I hadn’t slept at all. Between watching over her and Lily, I hadn’t gotten much. “You’re right.”
There was no point in asking if she was sure. She had to be. She was supremely competent and wouldn’t just take one test and assume. Although how often was even one test wrong? Probably not that often.
“Did you see a doctor?”
She rolled right on. “Furthermore, I tried to tell you earlier, before Lily had her bad dream. I didn’t want to fall asleep.” She rose, yanking on the sheet when the bedding got tangled. “Carrying a whole other life inside you is exhausting. Surprise.”
The knot in my throat made me swallow hard. “Hannah, I’m sorry.”
But she wasn’t listening to me. “Do you think I wanted to tell you this? I knew you’d freak out. I’ve watched how you struggle with Lily. You’re so much better with her than you give yourself credit for, but you don’t see it. It’ll take time. I know that. I know that,” she repeated, drawing the sheet around her so tightly I wondered how it didn’t cut off her circulation. “But I don’t have that time. I’m carrying this child now. And we have to deal with reality, not start blaming each other like children.”
She was right. Of course, she was. Except I’d never once acted like a child. At least before tonight. I’d always shouldered my responsibilities stoically. Never asking for assistance from anyone.
Until now.
“You were supposed to be the one to help me,” I muttered. “Funny how that worked out, huh?”
She didn’t look at me before marching out of the room and slamming the door.
Almost on cue, Lily started to wail down the hall.
I buried my head in my hands again. She wasn’t wrong to be pissed at me. I’d said some doozies in the span of just a few minutes. But she claimed to understand my position. She didn’t have a clue, as evidenced by that slamming door. Doing that with a kid around was basically a recipe for making the rest of your night hell.
But naturally, she didn’t get that, because she’d never been a mother before. Not until now.
Now that she was having my baby.
Jesus Christ.
I pushed myself to my feet. Without any conscious intention, I went to the dresser and started pulling out fresh clothes. Jeans, boxers, sweater. I pulled them on, then opened the door and went down the hall to find my boots, jacket, and wallet.
The baby was still crying. Every whimper she made tore a hole inside me, but I wasn’t thinking straight. Wasn’t thinking at all.
I had to get away from here.
I grabbed my keys. It was okay, because Hannah was with Lily. Even as pissed as I was—at myself, most of all—I knew she’d take care of my little girl.
It wasn’t fair of me to put her in that position. And it wasn’t because she would be collecting a paycheck either. She already cared so much about Lily.