Grace for Drowning

"That's where it gets tricky."

Understatement of the year. "I know Tom wouldn't want me to be unhappy," I said. "But it still hurts so much. The thought of being with anyone else is kind of terrifying."

She nodded. "Then don't force it. You take as long as you need." She chewed her lip for a moment. "You've been spending a lot of time with him lately, so I'm guessing you told him what happened?"

"It came up," I replied.

"So he gets how rough this is for you."

I thought back to his story about Ace. "Yeah, I guess he does."

"Then hopefully he won't push the issue."

But what if I want him to push the issue? His behavior made so little sense. That attraction was real. It had to be. Which meant there was something he wasn't telling me.

The whole situation was a mess. I'd never been more confused in my whole life.

*****

Charlie found me the next evening when I was out the back checking stock. You might think this was fairly innocuous, after all, he was my boss, but for all the time we spent together in the same building, we hadn't ever really had a proper conversation. He mostly just left the bar to run itself, and when he did make an appearance to give the ship a gentle nudge back on course, he was all business. That had been just fine with me, given that he'd been about five seconds away from firing me a few weeks back. I had half hoped the whole thing would just quietly fade from memory without comment, but I guess that was asking a little much.

"How you holding up out there tonight?" he asked me.

I shrugged. "Fine. It's a little quiet, truth be told."

He nodded, as if that's exactly the response he was expecting. I got the sense that was about all the small talk I was going to get before he said whatever he'd really come to say. The way he studied me made me uncomfortable. It was the same sort of look Logan leveled at me from time to time, one that saw far deeper than you wanted it to. Perhaps that was standard issue in the military; one set of fatigues, one rifle, one penetrating gaze.

"And how about in general? You doing okay?" he continued. He had every right to be angry, but I had no idea if he was. His expression was utterly unreadable.

I debated trying to brush the question aside with some vague answer, but we both knew what he was really asking. "Yeah, I think so. Maybe not good, but better." I took a deep breath. Time to bite the bullet. "Listen, Charlie, I'm really sorry. I know drinking on the job was stupid. Not to mention thoughtless. I didn't mean to cause any trouble. I just haven't been myself lately." I had no idea how much Logan had told him, but I really didn't want to get into the whole thing now.

He chewed on those words for several seconds. "I appreciate the apology."

"Sorry it came so late. I was embarrassed, to tell you the truth." And scared, but I didn't want to admit that.

"I get it. I know plenty of people who've been where you are. I may not have much tolerance for that shit in my bar, but I understand it."

It was a warning, but also a show of support. Some of the tension bled from my muscles. "Well, thank you for giving me another chance. I'd be out on the street if it wasn't for this job."

"Don't thank me. Thank Logan. He's the one who stood up for you."

"I know, and I'm really grateful, but you didn't have to say yes."

"Maybe not, but I've always been a sucker for a damsel in distress." He gave a wry little laugh. "Besides, I think Logan might have introduced my head to the table if I hadn't."

The idea of Logan getting so worked up over my wellbeing still confused me. "Well, I won't make you regret it."

"I hope not."

That felt like it should have been the end of the conversation, but Charlie didn't move, and since he was standing in the doorway of the storeroom, that meant I couldn't leave either.

"You need to be careful with him," he said after several seconds.

"Careful?" I didn't like where the conversation was going.

"That's right. I don't know what's going on between you two, but it worries me. Logan looks tough, but that man has been through hell, and believe me when I tell you that hell leaves scars."

Apparently it wasn't just Joy who had noticed the tension between Logan and I. That was unsettling. The clearer it was to the world, the harder it was to ignore.