Grace for Drowning

"About there being nothing left for me here. It's the complete opposite. The only thing left for me is here. I think it's been that way since the moment we met."

Such sweet words, Jesus, why did she have to make this harder than it already was? "How can you say that after what I did?"

She shrugged. "Because it's true. It might not make sense, but love never does. I think if it ever did, the magic would be gone." She hesitated. "I forgive you, Logan."

I closed my eyes. It felt like everything inside me was unraveling. How was this even possible? It didn't make any sense. Nobody should have this much compassion, this much understanding.

"Well, maybe I can't forgive myself," I replied.

"Or maybe you're just afraid to. I know what you're doing. I spent a good amount of time trying to push you away, remember? I was terrified and angry and I hated myself, hated the world. I just wanted to be left alone, but you didn't give up. You cared when no one else would, and you refused to let me self-destruct. Well, now the shoe is on the other foot. I had a chance to help Tom when he was hurting, and I didn't get there in time. That is going to haunt me forever. But this time, I'm not too late."

Even now, she refused to let my issues get the better of her. I felt like crying. I betrayed her in the worst possible way, and yet she still wanted to fix me?

"So what are you saying?" I asked. "We should just go back home and make nice and pretend like nothing's changed?"

She shook her head. It was such a profoundly sad gesture. I hated that I was responsible for that emotion. "No. Too much has happened for that. But maybe we can start again, from the beginning, and rebuild. Maybe we can find a way to get past this."

The urge to just stop fighting and wrap her in my arms was almost too strong. God, how I wished the things she was saying were possible. But I'd tried that already, squashing my fears to be with her, and look where we ended up.

"I don't know if there's any way past this, Grace."

"What have you got left to lose by trying?" She nodded to the room around us. "If I walk out of here and leave you alone, like you're asking, you're going to drink yourself into the ground. I'd hate myself forever if I let that happen."

"And I'd hate myself forever if I hurt you again."

"You're hurting me by saying no."

"But you'll get over it."

She gave a tiny shrug. "I'm not so sure. You've got it in your head that I'm better than you somehow, less damaged, but the truth is, we're exactly the same. We're two people walking a constant tightrope. I haven't fallen yet, but..." She reached into the shadows and pulled out a bottle of Jack that she'd been hiding behind her body. "I picked this up almost as soon as you left. It pulled me like a fucking magnet. I've been staring at it for hours. I'm not really sure how I haven't cracked it open yet. God knows I want to."

Her hands shook, her fingers locked in a white knuckle grip around the glass, as if to relax them was to let them take over and follow through with that threat. My stomach twisted. It was my worst fear coming to life before my eyes; everything I'd worked so hard to stop. "Grace, please don't."

We both stared at the bottle, hunger blazing in our eyes. I never thought anything could hurt as much as this. Watching her poised to throw it all away was the worst kind of agony.

"You were better," I said. "I saw it."

"We both know there's no getting better from this. There's just strong enough, or not strong enough, in any given moment. You know what I was waiting for more than anything while I lay in that goddamn hospital bed? I was waiting for the day there was nobody watching anymore so I could go out and buy a bottle of vodka just to blot out some of the agony you left behind. And right up until I walked through that door, I was planning on following through with that. But then I saw you on the sofa, looking so utterly wrecked, and I realized how much I don't want to be that person again."

She set the bottle down purposefully on the ground in front of her, and I released the breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

"I don't know if I'll still be this strong tomorrow, or the next day," she continued, "but one of us has to try, or I don't think either of us will get through this. You need me, Logan, and I need you. Together, maybe we can beat this."

I ran a hand through my hair. My mind was going a million miles a minute. Everything hurt. The situation felt impossible, nightmares looming at the end

of every possible path.

"How do you know it won't blow up in our faces again? How do you know that in six months or a year I won't freak out and break you for good? How do you know?" My voice shook. I realized I was screaming.

"I don't," she replied with a shrug, her eyes still fixed on the bottle. "I know you're scared. I understand that. I am too. For two months, a very loud voice in my head has been telling me to just let you go so you don't have the opportunity to hurt me again. Most days, I wanted to listen to it. But you know what I was thinking about, while you were gone just now? That question you asked. Did I still think all of this was worth the risk." Her gaze snapped up to me. "The answer is yes. I wouldn't trade our time together for anything, Logan, and if you told me things would play out exactly like this, I'd still make the same choice. Before I met you, I really thought life wasn't worth living anymore. But you showed me that wasn't true. You showed me there was light at the end of the tunnel. Things may be dark right now, but I have to believe it's still out there somewhere. I love you, Logan, and I know you still love me. Maybe that's enough for us to find it again."

Hearing those four words again broke something open inside me. Jesus. She was right. Of course she was right. And I felt the same way. Even if I'd known how it would go between us, I would have done it anyway. Grace was the most amazing person I'd ever met. She was still here, after everything I'd done. She'd shown me that I was more than the sum of my past. That was a fucking miracle. It was worth the pain. I'd started out trying to save her, but really she was the one who'd been saving me. I opened my mouth to reply, but all that came out was a sob. How could I have been so selfish? How could I have tried to throw this away?

"Okay," I managed to choke out, tears running down my face.

"Okay?" There was a trace of hope on her face now.

"Okay," I repeated.