His Temporary Assistant

“She has headphones in with her Gregorian chant music. She uses that to reach her alternative aural space.”

“Okay.”

“That’s my mother, man. She’s on a whole different plane. Now stop stalling.”

I released a slow breath. “I never wanted to do divorce law. Not for one goddamn day. I finally just…stopped.”

She gasped. “You walked out?”

“I said I quit. I didn’t say I had a lobotomy.”

Her soft giggle was breathless. “Can you return the car? That’s a lot of thrusters for a guy without a job.”

“I never owned it.”

“What the fuck, dude?”

“You know what they say about assumptions.”

“I know your exceptional penis won’t save you from an asskicking when I see you in person.”

I grinned. “Let’s hope your mom doesn’t decide to kill the chanting.”

“She already knows about your penis.”

I choked. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Oh, no. It’s a whole ritual we do when one of us has a new man. We detail it all right down to width and length. I had to guesstimate some of it, but when we salt the circle, estimates are good enough. I mean, for a first ceremony anyway.”

I’d coughed so hard my eyes were still watering. “I’m almost sure you’re pulling my…not penis.”

“But you’re not certain, are you? So, remember I know of things you can’t begin to imagine, Horatio.”

“Oh, I already knew that, Moonbeam.” I rubbed my chest. “Look at that, my lungs still work. I thought they’d seized up on me.”

“Serves you right. That means the grandpa car is still in commission?”

“Nope.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“Not particularly.” I lowered my voice. “So, how tight are your quarters there?”

“If you are even so much as insinuating I should touch myself while I’m in bed with my mother, you are a sick puppy, PMS. Truly depraved.”

It took everything I possessed not to laugh. “Maybe just a little?”

“Not even the tiniest bit in the history of small, infinitesimal things.”

“God, I miss you already. How is that possible?”

“Same way it’s possible we met on Monday. Did you quit because I left?”

“No. I quit Thursday.”

Her pause made me think our banter was at an end. I waited to hear the click that meant she was done talking yet again.

“I should’ve known you never would’ve slept in unless you’d already done something rash.”