Not after the things that Rush had done to me in it.
My eyes automatically shifted to the spot where Rush had given me my first kiss, then my first real orgasm. But it was the moment right after that… the one where Rush had held me and just let me purge all the fear, guilt, and shame that continued to linger.
All of that was over now. He’d done as I’d asked. He’d been the strong one and walked away.
I sighed and forced myself to sit up. My eyes fell on the open window. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. It would be one of Seattle’s rare, perfect days. When I’d been younger, Con and Micah would insist on getting out and enjoying everything the Pacific Northwest had to offer.
It’d been the best time of my life.
The reminder of my family and how I’d been pushing them away for so long made all the lightness I’d been feeling disintegrate, and instead of climbing to my feet like I’d been planning, I lay back down. The alarm on my watch began to chime, indicating it was time to take my medication.
For a brief moment, I wondered what it would be like if I didn’t. I was fighting a battle where I had no idea what the outcome would be. But if I accepted the outcome, I’d been battling for months now, there’d be no more not knowing. There’d be no more waiting and praying for numbers to go down. I’d be able to spend time with my family without any of it hanging over their heads until the very end when my condition would be impossible to hide.
I shook my head. I’d come this far. I’d see it through, and in a couple of months, I’d know which path my life would take.
I just needed to hold out a little longer.
I sighed and reached for my medications on the nightstand. That was when I noticed a bottle of water sitting next to the pill bottles and a small folded-over piece of paper with my name on it.
The goodbye note.
The one that said he was giving me what I wanted; he was walking away.
“Fuck,” I whispered as tears pricked the backs of my eyes. I didn’t want to read the thing. I wanted to ball it up and throw it out the stupid window so the perfect breeze could steal it away and take every moment of the last forty-eight hours with it.
But my fingers had different ideas. I opened the note and looked for the “Dear Christopher” part, but to my surprise, there was only a handful of words scrawled on the paper.
You might want to cover your ears.
“Wha—?” I began right before there was a booming sound downstairs. It was quickly followed by another, then another. I scrambled to my feet and hurried down the stairs.
“Hold up!” Rush called as soon as I reached the bottom step. “You need shoes and goggles.”
Huh?
I looked around as best as I could from my position on the step. There were little bits of drywall here and there along with a lot of drywall dust. A glance at the living room showed the furniture had been covered in plastic. The antique side table was also carefully covered.
Rush appeared from the kitchen area with goggles on his face and a huge sledgehammer in his hand.
He was taking down my wall. The one I’d tried to do on my own.
When he reached me, Rush removed the goggles, and then he was dropping a kiss to my mouth. It was soft and sweet and over way too fast. “Morning,” he said softly.
“Morning,” I managed to respond.
“Put some shoes on before you come down. Did you take your medicine?”
“Um, no, but I was about to,” I said.
“I made breakfast sandwiches. I’ll put them in the oven to warm up while you get dressed, okay?”
I nodded dumbly. The question I should have been asking him never made it to my lips.
What are you still doing here?
I hurried back up the stairs to get dressed. It wasn’t until I was fully dressed and reaching for my medication bottles that I realized what the strange, restless sensation in my chest was.
I was giddy.
I sat down in disbelief.
I was fucking giddy.
I was so happy that Rush was still here that I was speeding through everything to get back to him. What was that about? I was supposed to be trying to figure out a way to send him on his way.
He didn’t leave.
I almost cried as my old voice pointed that fact out. I wiped at my eyes because I couldn’t go where that voice wanted me to go. I couldn’t start dreaming about Rush touching me again, kissing me again, saying those words he’d said the day before that I still wanted so badly to believe.