Kiss and Cry

“Holy shit,” Kuznetsov muttered. “Henry, you might have this.”

The three of us watched the screen in tense silence. My gaze zeroed in on the technical score tracker on the top left corner. My score was there beside the word: Leader. Below it, Theo’s score was being tallied as he skated. The GOE for the Lutz combination was highlighted in red with a -2.23.

As usual, Theo didn’t let any mistakes detract from his performance aside from several seconds where I could tell he’d lost focus after the mistake. Then he turned on the charm and gave the audience everything he had. In return, they gave him a deserved standing ovation, and I clapped for him too.

I watched the replays, my pulse racing, the buzzing setting in again. The hand down on the Sal was a relatively minor mistake. A point and a half lost on GOE.

But the quad Lutz would be examined by the technical specialist, who would surely deem it under-rotated, bringing down the base value. Theo was ahead after the short program, but would it be enough?

The scores rang out.

“And he is currently in second place.”

Chaos erupted. Even though Massimo had just come in fourth, he was smiling and hugging me, and Kuznetzov was too. Flashes were going off, people crowding around, and on the monitor showing the Kiss and Cry, Theo was smiling and applauding.

For me.

I was going to actually pass out or vomit or cry.

I won. I’m the Olympic gold medalist.

“How does it feel?” someone asked. I’d have to talk to the media, but right now I couldn’t speak. I was carried along by the tide of well-wishers.

“By less than one point, Henry Sakaguchi is the new Olympic champion!” Janice Harvey exclaimed.

I escaped to the locker room, which was blissfully empty for the moment. In the bathroom, I bent over the sink and splashed cold water on my face, not caring about the concealer. Straightening, I blinked at my blotchy reflection.

“I won,” I said to myself.

As if I’d just been punched in the gut, I burst into tears.

I’d won, but Theo had lost, and I ached for him. He had to win too. I didn’t want him to be disappointed or angry or sad. I didn’t want him to hurt. Not ever.

Is this love?

It had to be, because if it wasn’t, the only other explanation could be that I was losing my mind. I’d just achieved my lifelong goal, yet I staggered with sorrow. Gasping, I swiped at my face uselessly as footsteps approached. I lunged for a stall, but I was too late.

“Congratulations.” Theo’s voice was warm.

All I could do was face him. As I turned, Theo’s genuinely beaming, beautiful smile transformed into concern. He was already moving, reaching for my hands.

“No! What is it? You won!”

“But you didn’t.” My voice was raspy. I couldn’t stop crying, and what was the matter with me? If this was love, it was messy and uncomfortable. It hurt.

That perfect smile transformed Theo’s face again. “Oh, baby. It’s okay.” He drew me into his arms, where I was safe again. “I’m okay. I didn’t need to win. I really didn’t.”

“But…” I tried to comprehend it as I gulped against his neck, sagging into his embrace.

He stroked my hair and rubbed my back. “I’m disappointed in myself, but I’m so, so happy for you. You deserve this. I’m so glad you won. I wasn’t bad today, but you were better. And this has been the greatest time of my life, and I wouldn’t change anything. Not even this.”

“How can you say that?”

He took my face between his warm hands, watching me intently. “Because I fell in love with you.”

I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t talk. My eyes filled with fresh tears, my throat painfully tight. “Why?” I croaked.

A little smile played on his lips. “You did my pukey laundry.”

“I…” My brain attempted to process.

“You took care of me again and again. You listened to me even when I talked way too much. Most of the time, at least. You made me laugh and you never laughed at me. You were serious when I needed it. You’re sweet and kind and strong, and I felt more at home with you and Esmeralda than I have anywhere else. And I’m so sorry I went behind your back to talk to Anton.”

I squirmed, dropping my gaze, but he kept hold of my face, ghosting over my cheekbones with his thumbs, careful of the bruise.

Theo said, “You have nothing to be ashamed of. I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore. You’re pure and good, and I wish I could keep you in bubble wrap so you’re never hurt again. I never want to hurt you again. I’m so happy you won today. You deserve this, and I love you for caring about me when you should be celebrating. Coming to train with you was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not that it was good Mr. Webber died, obviously, but if there’s a heaven he’s watching and he’s so proud of me because I tried my best today. Only one of us could win, and I want you to get up on that podium and sing your anthem—or maybe hum since you don’t sing a lot—and you should enjoy every second of this victory and not worry about me. And I know I’m talking too much like always.”