I wanted Laurel once, she held my interest for a little bit, but she lost it just as quickly. I couldn’t bear to fuck Virginia over, I couldn’t bear to lose interest and watch her grow to resent me the way Laurel did me, the way my mom did my dad.
I can’t
count on wanting Virginia forever, and I can’t think about losing her altogether, either. A relationship would be a big risk for us. We would be giving up the perfectly comfortable relationship that exists between us, and building a bigger, weightier one instead.
If that relationship ends, we’re left with nothing.
I’d rather have her as a friend than not have her at all.
Clearing my throat, I look down at her now, needing to reaffirm that despite my impulsive actions here, my earlier sentiment still stands. I hope she doesn’t think I’m too much of a dick for this. I feel bad. I didn’t mean to fuck her again, last night was supposed to be it, but fuck, she says all the right things, and she had those red bra straps peeking out of that white tank top.
She wore a white tank top, for Christ’s sake. I’m supposed to ignore a white tank top?
Virginia looks up, her eyes questioning.
“So… I wasn’t planning to do that.”
Nodding her head, she says, “I kind of figured.”
“I just wanted to deliver the money and apologize.”
Her eyes drop and her lips thin, but she nods. I can feel her being disappointed all over again. Logically, she probably thought maybe I was done being a fucking asshole and I had reconsidered, in the face of her being human perfection.
“I’m really sorry if I made that confusing.”
“It’s all right,” she says. “One last hurrah. This does have to be the last time, though. If we’re not going to be together, I need to stay in a certain headspace, and I can’t stay there if I keep fucking you.”
I nod my head. “Understandable. Sex with me is a pretty big deal.”
Rolling her eyes, she hits me in the abdomen. “Stop.”
“I’m just saying. I’m impressed you can keep your shit together like this. Want me to sign your bed sheet on my way out?”
Grinning helplessly, she hides her face in her pillow. “You are something else, Rafe Morelli.”
Preemptive regret washes over me that I won’t get to play around with her like this anymore. I mean, I will, but with all our clothes on, and never like this. Never in bed together, her nailing me with those expressive brown eyes.
I already feel like I’m fucking up, but I feel just as strongly that I need to do it. I need to do it, and I need to stick to it. It’s not fair to jerk her around. She doesn’t deserve that.
I can’t help expressing it though, even if it might give her more to cling to. Securing my arms around her waist, I tug her close and meet her gaze. “I’m gonna miss you, you know.”
She stares at me for a moment. Her eyes glisten, but she blinks it away before tears can form. “I’m not going anywhere,” she promises me. Trying for lightness, she adds, “You know where to find me six days a week.”
Nodding at her bed, I tell her, “I know where to find you the seventh, too.”
“You do, but you’re not allowed to come to my house. Not for a long time, at least. It’ll be too hard to keep all our clothes on. Let me get over you first, then maybe we can spend more time together as friends.”
I don’t like hearing I’m one more asshole she has to get over. “Shit. I’m sorry, Virginia.”
“It’s fine,” she assures me, raking her hands through my hair one last time. “But you need to get out of my bed and leave. I have to work in a little bit, and… I am not in the head space I need to be for that.”
I understand, so I give her one last kiss and climb out of her bed. She watches me right my clothes, but she doesn’t move. That’s all right. Perfect, actually. I get one last look at her, naked and satisfied.
“Take the money,” she tells me.
I ignore her, reach down and caress her face one more time, then I leave her bedroom and walk straight out of the best chance at a real relationship I’ll probably ever have again.
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