“Sin. You have enough evidence locked away in your head—if not your fucking apartment—to put him away, don’t you?”
I wish I could lie, but that won’t help, and I don’t want to get in even more trouble. I nod stiffly, but this time I meet his gaze. “But I would never do that, Rafe. I would never do that to you. I swear to God. I don’t have any evidence anywhere outside of my head about you guys, and no one can see inside my head. No one knows what I know.”
Shaking his head, looking at me like I’m a stranger, he says, “You don’t have any evidence outside your head? You have tapes, Virginia. You have fucking tapes of us.”
The betrayal on his face breaks my heart. I wish I could rewind to this morning and set the goddamn tapes on fire. Burn down the whole apartment. I swallow past a lump in my throat, tears burning behind my eyes.
“I know I did. But they’re from years ago, Rafe. Check the dates. Half the people on those tapes are dead now. They’re from before I knew you. I mean, I knew who you were, I knew who your family was, but I didn’t know you as a person. It was before you helped me with Nate. I swear to God, Rafe, I never collected evidence after that.” Looking over at the pile, I rush to explain. “I fished that paper out of Ben’s pocket one night at the restaurant. He was drinking a lot and everyone was boisterous, and I dropped a napkin on the floor. When I bent down to grab it, I saw the end of a piece of paper in Ben’s jacket pocket, and I just… I took it. And then I went and checked out all the places, I researched all the people. I did do that, but it was before. You weren’t even there that night, and—”
“Why?” he barks.
“Because I did want to join the FBI,” I blurt. “I did, that’s what I went to school for. When I researched how best to get in, I talked to a retired FBI agent and he told me they love to see law school. So, I went to law school, and yes, I originally started working at the restaurant to get close to your family, but it wasn’t you in charge then, Rafe, it was Ben. I didn’t want to take you down; I wanted to take Ben down. He was a horrible man.”
“We’re all horrible men,” Rafe says, looking at me with something so close to hatred, I want to die. “You hid your disgust well though, I have to fucking hand it to you. You deserve a standing ovation. I’ve known some liars in my day, Virginia, but you take the fucking cake. You were devoted to your performance, and I fucking believed it. I believed every word. You know what? I think you’re even better than Cassandra was. Congratu-fucking-lations.”
Tears blur my vision and I blink them away, shaking my head. “No. Rafe, no. Please don’t compare me to her. Please don’t think that. I wasn’t lying to you. Nothing between us was a lie.”
His eyes widen. “Are you fucking kidding me, Virginia? Everything was a lie. I don’t know who you are!”
He screams that last part, and I flinch. Ordinarily Rafe is in control of his emotions, so I’ve never heard him scream before. Fear races through my veins, because that’s a bad sign. That’s a very bad sign. Not just for his emotional well-being, but for my chances of survival. I’m in more danger now than I have been before, and I don’t know how to get out of it. Telling him the truth is pissing him off, and anything I say to enrage him further puts me in even greater danger.
“Yes, you do,” I tell him quietly, trying not to engage and let him escalate things. “I’m the woman who loves you. Whether you believe it or not. I would never hurt you. I would never—”
He cuts me off, coldly mocking, “Oh, the woman who would never—never what, Virginia? Never fucking collect evidence against me and my family?”
“I’m so sorry I did that, but I told you, it was something I did years ago. I never even think about it anymore. You can ransack my whole apartment if you want to, you won’t find more. As long as I’ve worked for you, do you really think the only reason I don’t have anything more recent is because I never had the chance? I know this must sting, and I am so sorry for that, but think about it logically. I have had a thousand chances to betray you, Rafe. I haven’t, because I don’t do things to intentionally hurt you. I do everything in my power to protect you. I am loyal to you. I have always been loyal to you. I turned my back on my own principles out of loyalty to you.”
He steps closer and grabs my chin, forcing my gaze to his. “You chose me?”
“Yes,” I swear, vehemently.
“You turned your back on working for the other side?”
His tone is so even, I know this is a trap, but I answer anyway. “Yes.”
He nods slowly, three times, then asks simply, “Then why do you still have the tapes, Virginia? The pictures? Ben’s notes? If you picked a side, if you picked my side, why did you hold onto evidence that could hurt me?”
Swallowing, I hold his gaze, but I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t have a good answer. I don’t have a good answer because even though my heart was on his side, my life was on pause. I was trying to avoid firmly deciding.
Because I hadn’t firmly decided, but… but I would have. I know I would have. I was just putting it off. I never would have hurt him.
I just don’t know how to make him believe that, because the only evidence of my claims is locked away inside my head, inside my heart, and the physical evidence, the evidence he can see… it’s so damning.
I should have destroyed the tapes. Obviously I didn’t think he would ever go through my home, and I don’t even think about the tapes anymore, but I should have. They’ve just been there so long, it was like keeping a box of belongings from high school and never thinking to go through it.
“I think it’s because you never picked a side,” he says softly, dangerously. “I think it’s like you said before—you were torn between following your pass
ion, and following your wallet. Maybe even your pussy,” he adds, crassly. “I paid you well to be my whore, didn’t I? It was a pretty good gig, wasn’t it? Kept you well-pleasured, plus you made, what, thirty-five grand just to fuck me for a few days? You could have your college loans paid off in no time with paydays like that.”
A lump of humiliation slides down my throat, followed by a river of anger. I know he’s hurt, but that he’s denigrating our time together like this rips open a hole in my heart.
He doesn’t mean it, I tell myself. He’s just angry. Hurt. Betrayed.
As much as I know logically I need to defend myself, my heart shuts down, pulls the curtain. It decides it needs to protect itself, because he’s just going to do more damage otherwise. I don’t want to talk to him when he’s like this.
“I would never hurt you,” I say again, staring at his chest since he’s still holding my chin, but I can’t meet his gaze. “I know how it looks, I do. I know I made a mistake, and I am so sorry you found out, but not because I was going to do anything with it. Only because it hurts you, and I never wanted to do that. I am not lying to you, Rafe. I’m sorry.”
He listens to all my words, but judging by the look in his dark eyes, I don’t think he believes them.