After You (Because of You 2)

His eyes bug out and he thrusts his hand out at nothing. “How the fuck was I supposed to do that? You didn’t tell me you were leaving! I thought you were leaving graduation, not skipping town. I would not have let you leave that classroom if I’d known it was the last time I’d see you, Nikki. You know I wouldn’t have. None of this was my choice, it was yours. You put all the blame on me, but you didn’t give me a chance to stop you.”

Fumes might as well be coming out of my ears. “Oh, my God. You need to leave. I want to get in my car and run you over with it right now. I gave you nothing but chances, Derek. I gave you a million chances. You are the one who chose a life with someone else over a life with me.” I jab him in the chest with my pointed index finger. “You. That was your choice.”

“I wasn’t choosing a life with her. I didn’t think…” He stops, probably realizing what he’s about to say is going to piss me off more instead of less.

“Go ahead. You didn’t think what, Derek?” I ask calmly.

“I didn’t think you’d leave, that’s all,” he says, looking down at the gravel in my driveway.

A moment of silent passes. I nod and he looks down, neither of us able to look each other in the eye. Finally, my tone level, I say, “You thought I’d be like my mom. You thought I’d still be there after it all fell apart. You thought I’d take you back.”

He hesitates long enough that I can tell he’s unsure of his response, but he decides to go with the truth. “Yeah, I did.”

Smiling faintly, I pat him on the arm and tell him, “Well, you were wrong.”

With that, I turn around and walk away. Away from Derek Noble, away from the detour of my life that today was, maybe away from something good—but probably away from something bad.

I have a life to get back to, maybe not the most exciting one, but one that doesn’t make me hurt. That can only be true as long as he is not part of it.

---

After catching up on emails, apologizing profusely to Alex and Bethany, and logging a few hours of work, the thing I am least looking forward to happens.

Henry shows up on my doorstep, and he doesn’t bring food.

I was expecting his presence, but I won’t lie, I was hoping he would bring food. Food is how I know everything is okay, and even though I expect things to be completely shattered by the end of this conversation, I didn’t want it to start off this way.

I swallow a ball of guilt that’s lodged in my throat as I open the door and let him inside. Everything feels so different now. It’s the same living room, the same Henry, the same me, but somehow none of it works anymore.

Maybe I’m not the same me. Maybe Derek changed me in some small way, like he always has. Maybe the essence of him still clings to me as I stand here in my house and welcome Henry. Maybe he can sense it.

He shouldn’t have even shown up. After all the time he has waited around for me, I had the gall to text him, “We need to talk.” I didn’t even call him. I owed him a phone call. I owe him so much more than a phone call. I owe him an apology of epic proportions—not to try to save our relationship, I know that’s toast. I know I’ve wronged him egregiously. I don’t expect him to get over it, I just want him to know I never meant for this to happen, that I didn’t want to be this person, not for him.

My soul aches. I’m so ashamed of myself now that he’s here. I was swept up in Derek, I was removed from the reality of the cost. I’m not sure I would have made a different choice even if I had realized it, but God, this is just the worst.

Clearing my throat, I wait for him to speak, but he doesn’t. I look around for a distraction, a saving grace, but I know there won’t be one. It’s probably best to just get into it.

Instead of letting this awkwardness linger, instead of offering him a seat, I turn around, look him right in the eye, and say, “I had to do this once before and I was really bad at it then. It might seem like years and experience would have made it much easier, but I don’t think that’s going to be the case. I want to first apologize for ditching you at my father’s wedding after you left work to come, because that was a really shitty thing to do.”

“Yes, it was,” he agrees, calmly.

I nod. “I didn’t even tell you where I was going. I mean, I was really, really drunk, and… honestly, I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t plan to leave the reception, I just needed to leave the room, but… You know what, none of this is the point. None of this matters. Because here’s the thing. I really wish that ditching you at the reception was the beginning and end of the shitty things that I have done in the last 24 hours, but it’s not. Not even close. I’ll go into detail if you need that for closure, but suffice it to say that I am a terrible person, and I apologize for that. I did try to warn you, but that’s no excuse. There is no excuse.”

Making a little “let’s get on with it” motion with his hand, he says, “Just get it out, Nicole.”

I swallow, looking down like a coward. “I cheated on you. The guy who sat in the pew next to you at the wedding ceremony was my ex-boyfriend. He wrecked my life and obliterated my heart, and that’s a little bit why I had so little left that I could do what I did, because you have been incredible to me, and… I am ashamed, and I am sorry. I am a heartless monster, and I should have told you that when it became clear to me that you were romantically interested in me, but I’m also a coward.”

“Okay, that’s enough,” he says, reaching out and touching my shoulder.

I look up, confused, then my confusion turns to utter befuddlement as he pulls me against him and… hugs me?

“Um… what are you doing?” I ask.

“I was worried sick, Nicole. You were wasted, you disappeared, no one knew where you were, and you weren’t answering your phone.”

“Um… didn’t you just hear what I said?”

“Of course I heard what you said,” he replies, but his tone is almost dismissive. “You were drunk, Nicole. He’s an asshole for taking advantage of that. That’s not your fault.”