After You (Because of You 2)

Poking Henry again, I wait for him to heave his sigh, then I ask, “Do you think cheating isn’t a big deal? I think it’s a big deal.”

“Nicole… do we have to talk about this right now?”

“If you and I went deeper with this relationship, cheating would hurt me. If I really gave myself to you, it would. The only reason it doesn’t hurt now is because I hold myself back. If you don’t think cheating is a big deal, that might mean you would do it.”

“I have no plans to cheat on you,” he states.

“But now you know I messed up, so if down the line we were together and things started to get hard, and say there’s a cute little paralegal at your office who wears a short skirt and moons at you every day while life at home with me is hard and sucky…. Tell me there isn’t some part of you that would think, ‘you know what, Nicole cheated

on me, so I get a free pass just this once.’”

“No, Nicole, that’s not how humans work.”

“I think it is.”

“That’s not how loving humans work,” he states. “There’s no keeping track in a relationship. It’s not a war. It’s not an eye for an eye; you hurt me so I hurt you. That’s not how love works.”

“But we don’t love each other. At least, not romantically.”

Henry gives up and rolls over to face me, since clearly I am not going to let him sleep. “What are you looking for, Nicole? A guarantee I won’t hurt you, or a reason to push me away?”

“I know you’re not him,” I state honestly. “But I don’t know that you won’t do the same thing he ultimately did. I would have never given my heart to him if I had known better.”

“Love is always a risk. Giving yourself to someone is always a risk. I could promise you that I wouldn’t hurt you, but you wouldn’t believe me—and you shouldn’t believe me. I could be lying. I might not even know I’m lying. Most people begin a relationship genuine in that belief, they don’t set out to hurt the other person. Life happens. People change. Feelings change. There aren’t guarantees in life, Nicole. If you’re waiting around on a guarantee, you’re never going to get one—not from me, and not from anyone else. But you know what? Getting hurt isn’t the end of the world. It won’t kill you. The only alternative to never getting hurt is never feeling anything, and then you’re just choosing to hurt yourself. Take a chance. If not on me, on someone. Not your ex—he sounds terrible. But stop missing out because you’re afraid.”

I mull over his words, but this time he doesn’t roll over and try to go to sleep, he just watches me. Watches me struggle with thoughts and feelings and words I don’t want to say.

“I realized something today,” I tell him. “I want things I don’t have. Not things tied specifically to him, but… someday I want my own family. I want to be a mom. I want a committed relationship with someone who loves me—maybe not marriage, I don’t know, but I want to know I have a partner who isn’t going anywhere. Someone to have breakfast with on the weekends, to raise a family with. Someone who will love me even when I’m hard to love—because I will be. I have been all my life, and that isn’t going to magically change for anyone. I want someone who wouldn’t have it any other way. Someone who thinks I’m worth all the hassle. Someone who would choose me over and over again, every single time.”

Henry is quiet for a moment, then he assures me, “You can have all that, Nicole.”

I wait for him to say, “but not with me.” Henry doesn’t even have time to make dinner dates, so how is he going to find time to have a family?

He doesn’t say it, and I don’t ask. It was hard enough to get all that out, and my emotional stores are just about depleted. Even though I don’t think going our separate ways would devastate me, I don’t have the energy left for it tonight.

Seeming to understand this, Henry reaches one arm beneath me and drapes one over me, wrapping me up in his embrace and pulling me against him. It’s the same way Derek held me earlier today, but this feels less natural. Maybe just because I’m more vulnerable than I usually am around Henry right now. I just don’t want to waste any more of his time. Especially after today, if I want things he doesn’t, I think it’s time we end the romantic aspect of this relationship. Since we haven’t had sex, it wouldn’t be impossible to revert back to friendship.

I need to stop thinking and go to sleep.

It has been a taxing 24 hours, to say the least.

Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

---

Henry woke me up before he left, pecked me on the lips, and left to start his day. I rolled back over, enjoyed having the bed to myself, and muttered about how he’s never spending the night again.

When I woke up again, it was time to start my work day. My general routine is wake up, work, go to sleep. There are breaks in the day for things like showering, occasionally eating, and peeing, but that’s about it.

Since I took off time for Alex’s wedding and my phone was dead when Derek had me at his house, I have to pull double duty to catch-up.

In addition to all the work I have to get done, I can’t get that blue-lit bar out of my head. It has merged with the scene of the groom and his blue-haired bride who jilted each other at the altar. That bar has become the bar they found each other at when they reconnected, and scenes are falling into place, lines of dialogue running through my mind. It has been a long, long time since I have opened one of these for myself, but as I munch on carrots—since those don’t require time to cook—and stare at the blank document in front of me, I decide to write the scene. I know it won’t go anywhere, I know I’m not a writer, but the characters lend me not only an escape, but a chance to work out some of my feelings from yesterday. As I write, they evolve, picking up ticks and quirks, histories and aspirations.

All of a sudden, it’s evening, I haven’t gone back to working, and I’m 9,500 words deep into something tentatively titled Dreamcatcher.

I finally push away from the desk, my back aching, my hands a little sore, and my stomach empty. I’m so hungry.

Because I always text Henry when I’m hungry, I pick up my phone. “I know my scarlet A precludes me from food privileges, but OMG, I am wasting away over here. I’ve only eaten carrots today. I’m basically a rabbit.”