I can’t find words. There are so many words I need to get out, questions—so many questions.
Since I’m not speaking, he goes on. “She wasn’t cut out for motherhood. I know, you’re shocked. She gave it a whirl, I guess, but ultimately she was too selfish. Cassidy is better off without her, in my opinion. It’s hard for her sometimes though. I think it will be harder this year when she starts school and sees how many kids have mothers when she doesn’t.”
Still attempting to process the ramifications, I ask, “She isn’t in Cassidy’s life at all? No visits, no phone calls, nothing? No contact whatsoever.”
“None,” he verifies. “The first year she left, she sent her a box of Christmas presents. That’s the last time we heard from her. I thought maybe she died or something, but then I saw her partying out in L.A. on her Instagram, so… nope. Still out there, just retired from her role as Cassidy’s mother.”
“But… how? Why?”
Derek shrugs. “Guess trapping me was only fun when she was stealing me from someone else. Without the thrill of the win, all we had was each other, and I don’t know if you recall, but Kayla and I never actually liked one another. At all. Living together was pure hell. We were both miserable. Honestly, I was kind of relieved when she left. It wa
sn’t until Cassie started asking about her that I realized it wasn’t all about my feelings, and that even if she’s terrible, Cassie didn’t know that. To Cassie, she had a mother one day, and the next day she didn’t. I didn’t know how to explain it. It wasn’t like something happened to her to take her away, she just chose to leave. Choosing to leave me was one thing, that was fine—the right choice, even, because we were terrible together, but leaving Cassie, too? How is a little kid supposed to understand that?”
“Oh, my God.” I hate Kayla and I’ve wished her gone a million times, but hearing that makes me feel awful. “Does she still ask about her?”
“Not really. I don’t think she remembers much about her. Cassie was only two when she left, so she was only around for the baby days. She can’t remember much of those. Once in a while she’ll recall something that Kayla was there for, but for the most part, we don’t think about her. We carved out a pretty good life, just the two of us. We’ve got our own routine, a lot better than life was for either of us than when Kayla was around.” Reaching over and twining his fingers together with mine, he says, “Plus, I’m smart enough to know this wouldn’t be happening if Kayla had stuck around.”
“Nothing is happening,” I mutter, but it’s an old impulse, too. Right now my brain is full of facts, fantasies, and missed opportunities. Six years ago, this would have been my dream come true. If I had stuck around, I would have only had to endure Kayla’s presence for two years, then Derek and his baby would have been abandoned. I could have swept right in and picked up the pieces. I would have. I know who I was back then, I know what I wanted, and if I had been there to see it actually happen…
Derek and I would be together. We would have snapped right back together four years ago, and with Kayla out of the picture, it might have worked. Cassidy would have a maternal figure in her life—it would be me.
“When I sent you the book…?”
“She left about a month before that.” Laughing shortly, he says, “It was actually quite a gut punch, getting that in the mail. I know that’s what you wanted, but it hit even harder than you intended, given all that was going on in my life at the time.”
Staring up at the ceiling, all I can do is reiterate, “You’ve been free for four years… and I didn’t know.”
Christmases, birthdays, so many of Cassidy’s firsts—I could have been there for all of them.
The life I spent my time daydreaming about, putting onto paper and selling to others… I could have had it for myself. It could have been real.
The sharp edge of fear slices at me, but I don’t know where it comes from. I don’t know why. Then my brain starts working again, and I pick out a more crucial part of what he just said.
Kayla left him. He didn’t leave. Kayla left because it wasn’t fun, because she had no one to torture with her victory. If I had stayed, that wouldn’t be true. If I had stayed, this bastard would have let her torture me. She would have rubbed my face in the fact that Derek belonged to her every chance she got over the course of those two years, and maybe even longer, because Kayla hated me as much as I hated her. I’m spiteful enough to give up the love of my life if it meant co-existing with her, and she might have been spiteful enough to remain inside a miserable relationship if she knew it still hurt me.
And Derek would have let it happen.
That is the problem.
Kayla was never the problem; Derek was.
I look over at his stupid, handsome face. He still doesn’t get that. Right now I bet he thinks he’s got a winning hand. The evil whore has been removed from the equation, so there’s nothing stopping me from agreeing to that date. From falling right back into his trap.
Maybe if he had removed her that would be true, but he didn’t. He’s a beautiful, charismatic, spineless jellyfish, just like the day I left him at graduation. Life happened and Kayla left, but what might happen if she came back? Or something else happened? Derek never chose me. He’s here right now, but he has nowhere else pressing to be. Just like he said Henry doesn’t deserve any trophies for waiting for me, Derek doesn’t deserve any for showing up.
I guess that’s the problem. There’s nothing he can ever do to make me trust him again, and without trust, I can never feel safe with him. And I shouldn’t, because I already know I’m not. I know how reliable this man is. That’s why we can never be together… but it doesn’t mean I have to kick him out of my bed, either.
Knowing Kayla isn’t around reduces the stress of this situation exponentially.
I still don’t want a relationship with him, but maybe we could be friends. Friends who give each other orgasms, when it’s mutually convenient. I’ll have to keep a firm hand on my feelings, because I know they have gotten away from me before, but it’s such a tempting prospect. If I can have all the fun of being with Derek and none of the heartache… shouldn’t I?
Because he is an opportunistic monster, Derek turns those big blue eyes on me and pulls me close, telling me, “I think that’s why Cassie likes you so much already. I never bring girls around her. You’re the first chance she’s had at getting herself a new mom. We Nobles know a good opportunity when we see one.”
Biting back a smile, I shake my head at him. “You’re shameless.”
“Completely,” he says unapologetically, before kissing me on the tip of my nose.
Why does that make me want to kiss his whole face? Dammit, Derek. Stop doing Derek things.