“Because I used to think that having a family with someone would be beautiful. Obviously my family was never like that, but I thought it was because mine wasn’t done right. I figured if you did it right, it would be a great thing, but I don’t know if I believe that anymore. Now I think, no matter what, it might just be a stressful mess I want no part of. All these years I had no idea Kayla was gone, so I imagined being with you would mean co-existing with her, I imagined your kid being torn between households with Kayla being petty and making a big deal about me, and us stressed out over having to deal with her. I saw the mess in my mind.”
“But Kayla isn’t in the picture, so none of that is how it would be. If you and I decide to have a family together, no one else will be involved. There’d be no mess. Sure, Cassidy isn’t yours, but does that have to matter?”
“No, that doesn’t matter to me. Cassidy is great. I don’t mean that.”
“Then what do you mean?”
“Love isn’t enough and relationships aren’t made to last, so having babies with someone you’re in a relationship with is just asking for heartache. What happens down the road when it gets hard again? When it’s not enough to keep you anymore? When we end up divorced, and I’m bitter and washed up, and you’re marrying a 20-year-old. And I can’t run away this time, I still have to deal with you because we made a family together and I’m trapped. I like things the way they are. I like having the option to never see someone again if they hurt me. I like being able to leave. Even if it nearly kills me, I know staying is harder. Can you imagine what my life would be like if I had stayed here, Derek? Do you know how much more hurt I would have had to endure?”
“We need to back up,” he tells me. “Like, back way up. I want to rewind to our inevitable divorce and my remarriage to someone who can’t legally drink. Let’s pause there.”
“There are no guarantees. There are no safe picks. Everything ends.”
“You are a ball of sunshine this morning, aren’t you?” he asks, dragging me close and leaning in to give me a kiss. “Everything doesn’t end, Nikki. I mean, I’ll die someday, I can’t do much about that, but we’re definitely not going to end up divorced with me marrying someone else.”
“We would. I’d wear you out. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not as loving as I used to be.”
“I think you are, you just have it all locked up. If I find the right key, it’ll come spilling out.”
“I cemented all the keyholes shut,” I inform him.
He leans close, kissing the corner of my mouth. “I’ve got a really nifty sledgehammer. With a little elbow grease, I can take care of that.”
I sigh heavily. “Now I’m picturing you swinging a hammer. I like it.”
“Is Thor your favorite Avenger?”
“He is now,” I tell him, smirking. “You really need to grow your hair back out.”
“Next Halloween I’ll be Thor. You can be Jane. Cassidy can be Loki.”
“Oh, my God, do not talk to the commitment phobe about next Halloween. It’s June. And I don’t want to be Jane. If we’re going with a superhero theme, I’ll be Wonder Woman.”
“I approve. You can dress up as Wonder Woman for me anytime.”
Smiling as he kisses me again, I tease, “Oh yeah? You wouldn’t object?”
“I’d tie you up with your own lasso,” he tells me, shifting his weight and pulling me under him.
As if scandalized, I blink up at him. “Thor would never.”
“Maybe I’d be a better Loki,” he offers. “Cassie can be Thor.”
“The trickster god, huh? I’ll take it.” I tilt my head as he kisses my neck. “Does Cassidy like superheroes?”
“She does. She was Princess Supergirl for Halloween last year, actually.”
“Princess Supergirl?”
He nods. “A Cinderella crown with a Supergirl costume. Princess by day, superhero by night. She’s always trying to be too many things at once. She can’t pick just one thing.”
“Are we sure she’s not my daughter?” I ask.
“I told you, she’s yours and we’ve been married for six years. I don’t know why you won’t believe me.”
Chapter Twenty
My day with Derek and Cassidy went way too fast. It wasn’t even a full day—18 measly hours, then a whole week before I’ll get to see them again.