“No, he’s crazy. He paid his daughter to pretend I was her mom when I woke up hungover the day after your wedding, all so he could temporarily disorient me by tricking me into thinking I woke up in some kind of fucked up Family Man situation.”
“What?” she shrieks. For a moment I think he went too far even for her, then she howls with laught
er. “Oh, my God, that’s amazing. Points for balls and creativity. He sounds fun!”
“Yeah, well, six years ago when he shattered my heart into 80 million pieces, he wasn’t a whole lot of fun,” I inform her. “Anyway, he got in the way with Henry and made him break up with me. I agreed to be essentially fuck buddies. I can’t really explain why.”
“Because he’s good with his dick, obviously.”
“Something like that. But he doesn’t want to stay in his fuck buddy box.”
“Of course not,” she says, not at all surprised. “He tricked you into thinking you had a kid with him on your first morning after. Unless he’s mentally unstable, this is not a man looking for a fuck buddy. Do you like him? I mean, your problem before, the reason you broke up, what was it?”
“An accidental pregnancy. Shortly after he and I officially got together, we found out he got his previous girlfriend pregnant.”
“Ick.”
“Yeah. And instead of working to keep me and handle the situation, he pussied out. I fought for him until my fingers were bloody from the effort of holding on, and he did not do the same for me. He let the situation get to him. He pushed me away. He let me go. He got back together with her just because of the baby. He’s basically the whole reason Alex and I moved away. I knew I had to move on with my life, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to if I stuck around here.”
“Okay,” she says, considering. “So, it was circumstantial, it wasn’t about incompatibility.”
“To a degree,” I say, hearing my own defensiveness. “He’s still the same person. I still don’t know that he would put me first if it came down to it. The girl he knocked up is out of the picture for now, but I don’t know what would happen if she came back.”
“You should ask him.”
I blink. “Ask him?”
“Yeah. Communication. I realize that’s not your strong point, but yeah, ask him. Tell him you need to have a serious talk about it and ask what happens if she comes back. It’s been 6 years, so that makes you, what, 18? He wasn’t done growing up yet. He was still a kid. Maybe he made a shit choice when he was a teenager, but who didn’t make shit choices as a teenager? If he’s pursuing you again, maybe he sees that it was a mistake. A mistake he would never repeat, because he has learned his lesson. If that’s the case, then what’s the problem?”
I don’t know how to concisely explain the problem. I don’t know how to explain that I don’t trust him, that I don’t want to trust him because I know where it got me last time. I don’t know how to explain that in my post-Derek life, I designed it specifically to keep everyone else out—or, at the very least, to keep everyone at such a distance that I would be safe when they inevitably abandoned me. Bethany wouldn’t understand all that. She’s not afraid of getting hurt. She lives her life with her heart wide open, and if someone dings a corner, she still has plenty to give someone else. My heart is much smaller than hers. I have to protect it much more carefully.
I don’t know how to make someone like her understand that if my heart shatters one more time, that’s it. I’m done. There are no more corners for anyone else. I’ll never even let anyone else as close as I let Henry. I can’t weather Derek again.
What I wouldn’t give to be normal, but I’m not. I came into this world damaged, and none of them understand. It’s so easy for them, but it isn’t for me. Being a work machine is easy to me. Loving someone and having a full life is terrifying. I don’t know that I want to have that much to potentially lose. It’s easier never to have it in the first place than to have it and lose it. Then I’ll know exactly what I’m missing. I’ll never get past that.
“Nikki, where’d you go?”
That’s not Bethany. I lean around my car and spot Derek standing in the doorway, looking outside for me.
“I said I’d be right back,” I tell him. “Why are you up?”
“I thought you ran away,” he mutters.
I shake my head, pointing at the phone. “Had to make a work call. Give me one more minute.”
He nods his head and steps back inside the house. My mind feels a little clearer, even if I didn’t share everything. Maybe admitting to myself that there’s more to my problem than a bloated workload is enough to calm my nerves. I just need to get my head straight so I can come up with a plan. I’m great at handling work crises, so this is not more than I can handle, I just can’t think when I’m so emotionally tapped. The fresh air, my talk with Bethany, and my own personal admissions have lightened my load a bit. Probably enough that I can shoulder the rest of this and make it work.
“All right, I have to go. He threw out his back at work and I came here to help him out with his daughter.”
“Such a thoughtful fuck buddy,” she deadpans.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kids are a lot of work. He only has one, but I way underestimated her needs. I’ve accomplished nothing today. I’m so behind on my publishing work, I haven’t even been able to look at my Dreamcatcher edits yet.”
“You work way too much,” she informs me.
“Now you sound like Derek,” I tell her.
“Smart people often echo one another,” she shoots back. “Listen to us, give up some of that control, and you just might end up with an actual life out of it.”