“Until it isn’t,” I offer, quietly. “This isn’t the first time you’ve wanted me back, Derek. This isn’t the first time you’ve chased me. I put my fears aside before, I took a chance on you, and when you fucked it up, I gave you a second chance—and it was the wrong choice. You fucked that one up, too. You swore to me back then that you would earn my trust back, Derek. I’ve heard all this before. And I do see that you’ve grown up since then, so I am trying to believe you, but I don’t think you understand the stakes. If I do this, that’s it for me. If I trust you again and I’m wrong again? Game over. Three strikes, I’m out. I’ll never trust another soul, Derek. Not ever. I still have the rest of my life to get through—would you really take that risk again, if you were me?”
I expect the gravity of that to stay him. I know Derek can be selfish, but he’s not a monster. I know he’s never set out to destroy me, that was just an unintended side effect of his carelessness. I expect some of the light to go out of his beautiful blue eyes, because deep down, he has to know he’ll give up on me. Hell, he’s probably already close. He has to know the best thing he can really do for me at this point is to let me go now, instead of making me hang on only to lose him eventually anyway.
At least, that’s what I figure until he turns over, gritting through the physical discomfort. He moves close, cups my face, and says fiercely, “Take the chance. Go all in for me one more time, Nikki. I won’t make you regret it this time. I promise.”
Still shaking my head in faint exasperation, I ask, “Why?”
“Because I don’t want to be that guy. You act like I could walk away from this easier than you can, but you’re wrong. Seeing what I’ve done to you makes it worse. It makes it harder to leave, not easier. I don’t look at these scars I gave you as reasons to abandon you, I look at them as reasons not to. If I was the dumbass kid who taught you everyone will bail on you as soon as it gets hard, then I need to be the one to teach you a grown-ass man will stand by your side, even if it’s not always easy. You’re worth it, Nikki. You’ve always been worth it. I didn’t understand that back then, but I do now. If I wanted easy, I could have it. I wouldn’t have to work this hard for another woman, you and I both know that, but here I am. You are the only woman I want, on good days and bad days, when we’re laughing together and when we’re fighting. I don’t care about you any less just because you’re being a pain in the ass, same way you never cared about me any less when I was. You are the woman of my dreams, Nikki—you expect me to settle for less than the woman of my dreams?”
Sighing in momentary defeat, I reach my arms out and draw him close. “You didn’t have to move,” I mutter. “There’s no reason to inflict pain upon yourself.”
“I can handle a little pain,” he assures me. “Only thing I can’t handle is losing you. That’s not a mistake I’m going to make again, no matter how much you fight me, so you might as well wave the white flag now.”
It’s a tempting thing to believe. It’s not like I want to be right about this, I just can’t afford to be wrong.
I’m not interested in arguing anymore tonight though, and I like all the things he’s said. Well, some of it made me want to glare at him, but most of it was stuff I liked. Either way, for now at least, I would rather curl up in his arms and enjoy being here with him while I still can.
Chapter Twenty Five
Friday melts away in a pleasant blur of good food, backyard baseball with Cassidy, and family movie night, as is their pre-Nikki tradition. Derek really does know all the song in Moana, and watching him and Cassidy sing them is easily the greatest thing I’ve ever witnessed.
I manage to get a little work done, but since I’ve already delegated so much this weekend, I’m not constantly stressed and worried about it. I still haven’t caught up on my Dreamcatcher edits, but I haven’t set a release date yet anyway. If I have to release it a week or two later than I planned, so be it.
Saturday morning Cassidy wants to help me make breakfast. She makes a mess all over the counter whisking the eggs, but she’s so proud of herself for making the eggs, it’s worth the clean-up. Derek is getting around better today, so unfortunately, this is probably my last day here. Once he’s functional, I need to go home and slave away, try to make up for this little impromptu vacation to normalcy.
I sent Henry a text this morning, apologizing for the phone call yesterday. It wasn’t nice, and it was a moment of weakness. I don’t want to mess with Henry’s head just because Derek makes mine go haywire. That’s my problem, not Henry’s.
After breakfast, I work for four hours. Cassidy starts to make noise about how hungry she is again, so I decide while I’m being all healthy and shit, I should go for a run. I shut down my laptop and go to Derek’s bedroom. Last night after the movie when I was rooting around in my bag for pajamas, Derek showed me a dresser drawer he emptied out for me. I lifted an eyebrow at him, closed the drawer, and left all my things in my bag.
Still, it makes me feel good that he cleared out a drawer for me—even if I’m not going to use it.
Once I have my hair pulled up in a bouncy pony tail, my workout capris on, and my brand new Wonder Woman sports bra on, I head out to the living room to check on Derek before I head out.
His blue eyes twinkle at the sight of my Wonder Woman bra. “That’s not lingerie. I mean, I’ll still take it, but… I’m going to have to show you what lingerie looks like.”
I roll my eyes at him. “I know what lingerie looks like. I can’t wear lingering to go for a run.”
“I mean, you could.”
I bend down to give him a kiss. “Need anything before I go?”
Cassidy is lying on the floor behind me. She chimes in with her own needs. “Let’s have some lunch and then play Jenga instead.”
“We can play a game later,” I tell her, straightening. “Think about what you want for lunch while I’m gone, and after I get back, I’ll take a shower and feed you.”
“Okay,” she agrees.
---
The later it gets, the more aware I am of my inevitable departure. Last week when I went home, I didn’t feel ready. More time here has not helped. The more time I spend at Derek and Cassidy’s home, the emptier my own house feels. There are no movie nights or family breakfasts. No Jenga, no bedtime stories, and definitely no cuddling in bed and pillow talk.
There’s no Derek in my life. When I come here, I get to a part of theirs, then when I go back to mine, it feels barren.
He hasn’t even been back in my life that long, and already he’s carving out a spot for himself and his daughter. The scariest part is how right it all feels. I’m doing my best to put up rules and safety regulations, and instead of treating me like the flight-risk I clearly am, Derek ignores my behavior as much as possible and pretends we’re a normal couple. It’s like the next level of the trick he played on me the first day I woke up here. I wear a gown made of thorns, and Derek holds me close and pretends every healthy dance should result in a little blood.
The man is trying to lull me into a life with him, and even though I’m onto his tricks, I can’t keep my heart from falling for it. My head knows better, but my heart went barreling after him, bowling him over in its eagerness to get back in his hands.
Stupid, dumb heart.