“You can’t what?” he asks.
My hands tremble slightly, but I guess I might as well just say it. “This isn’t going to work. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”
“Nikki, please do not do this.”
“It’s already done. I’m so sorry, I really am,” I send back.
“It is NOT done. We are not done. You told me to fight for you, and dammit, I am. You’re the one giving up now.”
“You’re right, I am. I’ll be the bad guy this time.”
“I am not letting you do this,” he replies. “I know I didn’t say what you needed to hear Saturday night and I’m sorry, but this is an overreaction.”
Tears blur my vision, but I’ve said what I need to say. There’s little point in talking it out. Nothing he says will change my mind.
He calls 15 times and I ignore every last call. The 16th time, he leaves a voice mail. I don’t check it. He starts texting me again, so I turn my phone off.
My whole face seems to burn as tears well up in my eyes. It doesn’t matter. I knew it would hurt, so this is no surprise. I try to push my feelings down and work, but I can’t.
Finally, I give up and go to bed. I know I won’t fall asleep, I know I’ll just sob until I’m empty like I did before, but that’s all right. It’s all part of the process. I need to cleanse myself of Derek while it hurts a survivable amount.
---
I’m on autopilot this morning, sipping my coffee to try to stay awake. I went to bed early last night, but my mind was too full, the temptation to turn my phone on and read the texts too strong. I read them, and then it was hard not to respond. He offers me so many promises now, but I know he’s not good for them. Like Henry said, no one can give you guarantees—especially not Derek, even though he desperately wants to. I could write someone a check for a million dollars, but it wouldn’t do them any good if they tried to cash it. That’s what Derek’s promises are like—bad checks.
Even though this isn’t agonizing pain, it hurts enough that I’m struggling to focus. My mind is shot. I’m doing mindless tasks right now, booking promo and assembling packets. Dreamcatcher edits will have to wait until I get my head on straight. Surely I won’t feel this empty for too long.
Maybe.
God, what if I do? All these years I’ve wondered what life with Derek would be like, but now I know. For six
years, I’ve harbored dead-end fantasies of what might happen if we ever crossed paths again, but now we have, and now the door to our future is slammed shut and closed forever. I have less hope about everything now than I had before. I really feel like I’ll never love again, but I’m not sure I mind. Love is a hard, terrible, risky thing. Living is for other people. I’m not sure I like it enough to justify the cost. I’ll just sit here at my desk and watch life pass me by. That has felt much better than this.
Now instead of dreams of seeing Derek again, I’ll have nightmares. Visions of Derek’s life going on without me, of him finally letting me go and moving on with someone less versed in his brand of destruction, some heart-eyed innocent who doesn’t know he can rip her heart open and make her hurt so badly, she’ll wish for the peace and safety of a non-life.
I’m jealous of her already. I wish I had that ignorance. I wish I could take a chance on him, blissfully unaware. I wish my heart hadn’t already learned so many lessons from him.
I know better now, that’s the problem.
I thought he was the love of my life when I was 18, but now I know he’s just the destroyer. The wrecker of my dreams, even if he doesn’t mean to.
I can’t afford to invest a single second more in Derek Noble. I am bankrupt. I have nothing more to give anyone.
Clicking send on the email I just put together, I sit back in my chair and try to find the will to move on to the next task.
My doorbell rings, then there’s a knock. My eyes move to the front door, my stomach sinking with dread. I don’t have Louise or Nadia coming in today. I’m not expecting take-out, because the thought of eating makes me want to throw up.
I pull myself up with considerable effort and trudge across the hardwood floor, unlocking my front door, and then pulling it open.
Derek is standing on my front porch. Cassidy is grinning up at me, her big blue eyes flashing with enthusiasm. “Hi, Nikki!”
I meet Derek’s gaze, dead-eyed. “What are you doing?”
Cassidy takes in the sight of my cat pajamas, then frowns up at me. “How come you’re not ready? We gotta go to the pool party!”
I shake my head, looking back at Derek. “You told her I was going to the party.”
Cassidy chimes in with, “Need me to help you pick out an outfit?” Then, as if I said yes, she squeezes beside me and heads down the hall. “Where’s your bedroom at?”