So I didn't allow him to exile me at lunch that day. Instead, I waited for Andy, and walked into lunch with him, smiling at whatever story he was telling me, pretending the story of his grandmother camping wasn't boring me to death. Oh, I doted on him, all right, and then I picked the table right in front of Derek's, that way he would have a front row seat.
I wondered later if Andy was suspicious that I was suddenly so affectionate, touching him, resting my head on his shoulder, whispering in his ear and giving him a little kiss. I did lose myself in the game for a moment, so intent on making sure I gave Derek a good show that I didn't even consider what Andy was going to think, and at one point I even lightly bit his ear.
Andy looked over at me in shock, never having seen that side of me before, and I did have the grace to blush a little. He was blushing, too, which annoyed me for some reason. If I would have nipped Derek's ear, he wouldn't have blushed, he would have returned a heated look and done something to indicate his interest.
Yes, chimed a little voice in my head, then he would fuck the hell out of you and leave you lying in bed by yourself, feeling like a two dollar whore.
Oh, right.
Still, I couldn't help feeling a little more than satisfied when I heard someone noisily stand up behind me, then I saw Derek, looking quite annoyed, leaving the lunch room in a huff, muttering something about "whores" making him lose his appetite.
May as well act like a whore if he's going to make me feel like one, I thought sourly.
My interest in Andy waned once I knew I no longer had an audience to nauseate, but I think Andy was relieved, because he didn't know what to do with me when I was being affectionate. When he had tried to take my hand under the table after Derek left, I neatly avoided it by finally taking an interest in my food.
Derek and I continued this little game all week. He never called me, never asked or demanded that I pay another "payment," and every moment that we were near each other, we were doing everything we could to make the other person mad, using any and every weapon at our disposal.
Stephanie noticed that my moods were always bad, but I blamed it on school, saying I just had a lot going on and I was worried about my grades.
Andy noticed, too, but his idea of cheering me up would always include touching me, even innocently, and his touch, innocent or otherwise, was only welcome if Derek might be able to see.
Strangely, even Alex noticed that I was in a sour mood most of the time, one time remarking, "What crawled up your ass?"
I ignored him and his girlfriend and just went to my room to get lost in a book.
On Friday, Stephanie got a bright idea to cheer me up. Since neither of us worked that night, she decided we should go to the football game. I was immediately opposed to the idea, especially once she told me that Derek and Kayla were going. I stubbornly refused, too, until she innocently added, "And if it's Derek you're worried about, I already told him and Kayla I was inviting you to come with me, he even thought it was a great idea."
Of course he did, I thought sullenly.
But I couldn't very well say no, because Derek would be convinced I was sitting at home instead of going to the game because of him.
Instead, I called Andy and asked him to go with me. At least if I had to sit there, I was going to have a protective shield with me.
It did occur to me that I was simply using Andy, and not only was that wrong since I was his girlfriend, but it was wrong even as his friend. Andy was the first person to ignore my past and befriend me, and I repaid him by using him?
But when my conscience would try to speak up, my hatred for Derek would always override it.
When we showed up at the game, I had an arm wrapped around Andy and a smile on my face.
Throughout the game, I paid very little attention to what was going on out on the field. For some reason that I didn't quite understand, Kayla seemed to take as much pleasure as Derek did in tormenting me, and when he would do, say or whisper something to make her giggle, she would playfully swat him, saying stupidly, "You're so bad!" and then she would look at me like the cat that got the cream.
Talk about confusing.
Not that I sat there prudishly. Not by any means. I was so far up Andy's ass it wasn't even funny, giggling at things he said, hanging adoringly on his arm, stealing kisses here and there. That time when he wrapped an arm around me, pulling me close and saying, "I love you," I forced myself to say, "I love you, too."
I
was so caught up in the game I was playing with Derek that I didn't even have the decency to feel bad about it.
However, I could only take so much, and by the time the game was almost over, Kayla was actually sitting in Derek's lap, much more concerned with snuggling than football. Seeing him with his arms around her made me irrationally angry, thinking he could cuddle with her, but not me. What made her so much better than me?
"Excuse me," I finally said, making up some excuse about having to use the restroom.
Instead of using the bathroom, I just walked toward them, then made my way up under the bleachers, not wanting to be around anyone, not wanting to fake it with Andy anymore.
I felt so angry that I was beginning to feel sad, and that made me even angrier. I didn't know why I was feeling sad, but I assumed all the anger was just taking its toll on me. My lack of proper sleep probably wasn't helping. I kept having absurd dreams at night, dreams of stupid things like Derek and Kayla. In one of my less reasonable dreams, I didn't seem to hate Derek. Quite the opposite, I seemed to like him. And I remember in the first part of the dream he was kissing me at that park, and I was feeling uncharacteristically girly, practically head over heels for him. He was wearing a jean jacket, and he kissed me like he cared. Then, in the next flash, Derek was sitting in some sort of small room with a few lockers, a chair and a table, and he was saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen." I remember feeling devastated, I remember him looking so sorry that I just wanted to hold him and cry, and I remember asking, "So you're back together?"
"I guess," he replied in my dream.