Holy shit, I really had given him permission.
Then there was a blur, some movement, and the camera was apparently put down on the edge of the dresser, pointing straight at the bed.
Well, I really didn't remember that part.
The rest of the video, what I could bear to watch anyway, was unbelievable to me, and I wouldn't have believed Derek if I wouldn't have been watching the tape with my own two eyes, hearing my voice moan Derek's name over and over again. There is no other word for what took place on that video. It was porn, and it would indubitably ruin my reputation.
I finally shut the video off was when Derek had me on the bed, facing the camera, and he was taking me from behind. I seemed to be enjoying myself quite a lot as I panted and begged, gasped and dug into the sheets.
When I popped the disk out of my disc drive, I broke it in half, never wanting to see it again.
The video disgusted me, but not more than the realization that Derek was right; if anyone ever saw that tape, I would die of mortification. I would never be able to leave my room, never be able t
o go out in public again.
He had me, and it killed me to admit it, but there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.
Yes, technically there was the option of taking legal action against him, but if I did that it would all come out anyway and everyone would know I had slept with him.
I didn't have to see Derek again until Monday at school. As soon as he saw me and I couldn't meet his gaze, I figured he knew I had watched the video.
I didn't bother going to lunch, not wanting to watch Derek being all lovey-dovey with Kayla, and no longer wanting to sit with Andy and pretend I wanted him.
I just felt tired.
I had tried to get along with Derek, and that didn't work. I had tried to get along with him again, and it still didn't work. So I had tried hating him. That worked, but didn't accomplish anything. I didn't know what else to do. Every way I turned, it looked like I was on the losing end.
I could allow his attentions, admit that despite hating him, I still seemed to want him sexually, but what would that lead to? How long would I have to be his little fuck-buddy?
That was the problem with giving in to blackmail. Once you start paying, they'll just keep making you pay until they bleed you completely dry.
Boy had I screwed up royally.
And he had me exactly where he wanted me.
Damn him.
I was sitting alone on the bench, stewing in my hopeless misery when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
I looked up, fully expecting to see Derek, but instead I saw Andy.
"Hey," he said.
"Hi," I replied, trying not to look too confused.
"What's wrong?" he asked, sitting down beside me on the bench.
I shook my head, unable to form the words. I couldn't tell him the truth. There was no point. It would only hurt him even more.
So I just shook my head. "Nothing."
"Why didn't you come to lunch?" he asked.
"I'm not hungry," I said, and at least that much was true.
He sat there silently for a moment, then said, "You've been different lately."
"Have I?" I responded, not having the energy to argue.