"But didn't she realize you could've been in the car?" I asked.
"That's what I said too, when my dad was basically defending her. But she knew I wasn't in the car. It was a Wednesday."
I merely blinked. He said that like it meant something, but I couldn't see how it being a Wednesday made any difference. "Which means...?"
Derek sighed. "The night they were together he said he made the remark that every Wednesday was his day off, and he took me over to his mom's house and we spent the day there while my mom went to work. Of course I never thought anything of it before, but I do remember that we were at her house when we got the call."
I had wanted to hear the story, wanted all my life to understand what would drive my mother to do something like that, but I still didn't understand why that made Derek not want to be with me.
"But wait," I said. "What does that have to do with you destroying the tapes?"
"I won't do what my mother did," he said. "She blackmailed my father, kept him from the woman he loved, and basically forced him to be with her or suffer the consequences. That's pretty much what I've been doing to you."
I was about to open my mouth to tell him how completely ridiculous that was, but he started talking again.
"Andy would probably take you back. I didn't think you really cared about him, but... if you did—if you do, you should go back to him."
"You want me to go back to Andy?" I asked, frowning.
"I don't want you to, no, but you've made it pretty clear that you don't want to be with me, so..."
"I have not," I said, although I couldn't quite look him in the eye as I said that.
Derek scoffed a little. "Yeah, you definitely have. I’ve tried to act like a boyfriend, I've tried to take the place of your boyfriend. I can't seem to make you want to be with me. Personally, I can't believe you would waste yourself on Andy, but hey, if that's what you want to do..."
"I don't want to be with Andy," I stated, feeling slightly confused.
"So why were you still with him? I made you break up with him, Nikki. You didn't seem to want to. I threatened you, just like my mother—"
"Oh, stop with that," I said, cutting him off. "Derek, that's completely ridiculous. You are nothing like your mother, at least not what I know of her. And how can you think I don't want you? Can't you tell that I do?"
"I'm not talking about wanting me, Nikki," he said, glancing up at me. "I feel like the damn girl here, but I'm talking about caring about me. Yeah, I want you too, but more than that, I care about you. I broke up with my girlfriend and broke you and your boyfriend up, and then... I started to think that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. But you've completely rejected the idea of dating me every single time I've brought it up. I get it, Nikki. You don't like me that way."
"It's not about not liking you," I said, disbelieving that he could actually think I felt that way. "Derek, of course I like you. I haven't rejected the idea of being with you because I don't like you. How could you think that?"
"Then why the hell won't you just admit we're dating?" he asked, seeming as confused as I was.
"Because I'm afraid to," I blurted. "I don't want us to be dating, Derek, because if we're dating then we're going to start caring about each other. I'm going to start caring about you, and that caring could lead to..."
I paused for so long that even I didn't think I was going to finish the sentence, but he impatiently said, "Keep going, caring could lead to... what? Monsters? The apocalypse? Higher taxes for the wealthy?"
"Love," I said, feeling oddly defeated. "I can see myself loving you, Derek, and that scares the hell out of me."
He smiled, a slight twinkle appearing in his eyes as he reached out and grabbed my arm, tugging me closer to him and holding my hand. "Why? I'm the guy, I'm the one that's supposed to be afraid of the L-word," he teased lightly.
"Because look what it does," I said quietly, not in the mood to joke. "I don't want to love you or anyone else. Look what kind of damage loving someone does. It can destroy you, heart and soul, Derek. I don't want to get hurt like she did. I've always promised myself, as long as I've been old enough to understand, that I would never allow someone to get that close to me, to hurt me that way. If I let you, you'll hurt me, and I don't want to turn into her."
Derek pulled me into his arms, hugging me and kissing me on top of the head. "Nikki, love didn't do that to your mother; my dad did. It was their situation, their choices, that's what made them so miserable. It wasn't love. Most people care about each other –even love each other—without going through what your mother went through. I understand your reluctance, but... if you really like me, give me a chance to win your trust."
"She trusted him," I replied automatically.
"Again, their love was the exception. Most love isn't that miserable, and theirs probably wouldn't have been either, but I had to go and be born."
I smiled, even though I didn't mean to, and leaned into his chest. "Well, I'm glad you were born."
"Yeah?" he asked teasingly, his eyes twinkling at me. "How come?"
I knew he was probably expecting some nice, tender response, so I smiled up at him and said, "Because if you wouldn't have been born, I never would’ve been able to buy my favorite sweater."