I managed to smile at her. "You didn't have to do that, Steph."
"Of course I did," she said, patting my hand. "Now you stay here, I'm going to go get us some spoons."
Stephanie stayed the night with me, and she left the next morning because she had to work. She had only been gone for two hours when my cell phone started ringing, and I looked down to see "Andy" on the caller ID.
I groaned, refusing to answer it. My head was hurting and I didn't know if he would offer me comfort or say "I told you so." I honestly wasn't sure what I would rather.
He must've called the house phone when he couldn't get through to my cell, because Alex knocked on my door and told me Andy was on the phone. I called back that I didn't feel like talking, and Alex went away. A minute later my cell phone was ringing again. I ignored it, but that time he left a voice mail.
"Hey Nicole," he said, his tone friendly, maybe even sympathetic. "It's Andy. I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. Stephanie told me what happened. I just thought I'd call and make sure you were okay. Give me a call if you want to talk, okay? Love you."
"Ugh," I groaned, flipping my cell phone shut. My head was pounding, my heart was aching, my mind was all out of whack, and he had to call and be wonderful. What was wrong with him? Seriously.
I never returned Andy's phone call, and what had started out as my best winter break ever ended up being the worst. My pride and dignity tried to tell me that I needed to pull myself together, return my phone calls, remember how to smile again, keep up appearances.
I just didn't have the energy.
When had I fallen in love with him? How did I miss that? Because I had to have fallen in love with him, otherwise I would have been okay. I wouldn't feel so devastated. I wouldn't spend my Christmas vacation –and Christmas day itself—holed up in my room, reading books so everyone would go away for a few chapters.
If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be so damn miserable.
But when did it happen? Why did I let it happen?
The night before it was time to return to school, I had a dream with my mother in it. In the beginning, she was in a white van, driving down a dark road. I spotted her, so I ran after her, calling for her to stop, to wait for me. She finally stopped, and I got into the van with her, but I felt as if I saw her all the time, I just happened to miss her for the few hours we had been separated.
"Hi, Nikki," she said, smiling softly at me.
I felt so happy in the dream, and I grinned at her. "Hi, Mom. I've missed you."
"I've missed you, too," she told me.
"Why did you leave me back there?" I asked, and in the dream, I must have known where she left me.
"I had to," she said. "Why are you sad?" she asked me.
I didn't feel sad, but I knew if my mother was asking why, I must be sad. "I don't know," I told her. Then, as if I had collided with the dream version of me, I suddenly knew why I was sad. "Derek... I love Derek."
She smiled softly, making my heart feel happier, somehow full of hope. "Ah, Mike's boy. He's beautiful, just like his father."
This upset me. "How can you still say that?"
She sighed at me, placing her hand on mine. "You'll be all right, honey. I know you feel terrible right now, but you're going to be okay."
"But I'm so sad," I told her.
My mother just smiled at me and got out of the van. "I'm sorry, I have to go now. Just trust me, sweetheart, you’re going to be all right. You’re stronger than I was. I love you."
I jumped out of the van to chase after her, but she was gone, as if she had never even been there.
I jerked myself awake, feeling strangely disturbed, but also a little more at peace.
After that dream I decided not to go back to sleep, instead taking a shower and picking out my orange sweater and a pair of jeans to wear for my first day back to school.
I couldn't stop thinking about the dream as I got ready for school, but oddly, I felt like everything was going to be all right. I no longer felt the urge to cry, and I really didn't even spend much time thinking of Derek or Kayla at all.
Since I had about an hour to kill, I even went out and started cleaning the kitchen to keep busy.
When Alex rolled out of bed and saw the change he sighed, looking relieved. "Oh, good, you're back. Do you know how many pink socks and T-shirts I have now?"