I could feel desperation clawing its way up my insides, images of us together flooding my mind, thoughts about college—the future we were supposed to share together. Waking up next to him every morning, lazy afternoons as we studied for our classes, late nights as we ate Chinese food and bitched about work or classes. In that moment, I saw the life we would never live, the kids we would never have, the future that could never be.
I wanted it so damn bad. In that moment, I wanted it more than anything, and that flood of desperation told me to just keep him, not to let him go. It would disappoint Alex, but in that moment I wanted to be back in Derek's
arms enough that I didn't want to care.
"I love you," I whispered, trying not to let the tears flow out. "I love you so much."
He smiled a little and a little of that twinkle returned to his blue eyes. "I love you, too."
My heart constricted and I felt like something twisted violently in my chest. I knew my expression looked instantly broken, but I didn’t have enough control to stop the emotions from showing all over my face.
"What is it?" he asked, his hand coming to rest on my shoulder.
"I'm so sorry," I said, the tears slipping down my cheeks. "I don't even know… if the easiest thing to do is tell you everything, tell you how I feel, or if less is more. I want to just tell you, and I want you to just make it go away, but you're not going to. I wish we could just go away. I might hate myself a little bit, but then I wouldn't have to miss you. I wouldn't feel like… I'm leaving a piece of myself behind forever," I said, my voice breaking as my tears started to fall harder.
His face fell and his eyes immediately dulled. He looked shocked, and as I raised my hand to wipe my tears away his hand fell away from my shoulder.
I missed the contact instantly.
"Are you breaking up with me?" he finally asked.
Since words were too difficult, I nodded, trying not to cry as hard as I needed to.
All he could do was stare at me.
"I can't do this," I whispered to him. "I can't… do what she did, Derek. I love you, I do, but it's not enough. I wish that it was, but it isn't."
His jaw clenched and his eyes turned a little cold. "This isn't about your fucking mother, Nikki. This is about us."
"Yeah, and we've just become Jamie and Mike, the second generation," I told him, seizing control over my emotions as I wiped away my last tear.
"I want to be with you, not Kayla," he told me.
"I know, and that's what I want too, Derek, but she's not going to let that happen. And… I want to believe—I wanted to believe that you wouldn't let her come between us, that you would love me and be with me no matter what, but you're proving that isn't true. You've already let her come between us, Derek, that's how I've had enough time to think about this. And… I can't live my life like that. I love you more than I was supposed to, and that scares me."
"You're leaving me because you love me," he said, nodding as he looked off into the distance. "That makes perfect fucking sense, Nicole."
"I never believed in love, Derek. Not until I fell in love with you. But I love you too much, just like she loved him, and you… you might love me, but you must not love me enough."
"Yes, I do," he stated, looking at me with irritation.
"Yeah?" I challenged. "Prove it. I'm all you want, right? The only one you need?"
He must have sensed there was going to be a catch, because instead of verifying this he merely stared at me, waiting.
"Run away with me."
"What?" he asked.
"You heard me. That's the only way we're going to be able to be together, so if you love me so much, prove it. Leave it all behind. Come away with me to college or to the poor house, I don't even care as long as I’m with you."
I waited for his answer, even though it had been said completely without careful thought or planning—it was just word-vomit.
"What do you say, Romeo? Will you run away with me?"
He just looked at me, that same dullness in his eyes. "You know I can't do that."
I smiled sadly and my eyes began to burn again. "I know you won't. That's not our book, is it?" I said to him, my lips curving up sadly. "You won't leave her for me, and unlike my mother I'm selfish enough to ask you to, because I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, but not enough to kill myself. I don't give a damn about Kayla. I wish she would have never been born, actually, because then this couldn't have happened and we could have been happy together. Isn't that terrible?"