But everything would be okay. That's what Alex had told me one day when he caught me staring aimlessly off into space. My expression must have conveyed more than I intended.
Sometimes I still slipped up.
Absently caressing the cover of Wuthering Heights on graduation day as all the students prepared to line up, I got the distinct feeling that I was going to slip up again. I knew rationally that nothing would come of it, but it seemed there was a thread of optimism in my DNA that hadn't been vanquished, and I wondered if it ever would. Instead of paying attention to the teacher when she was waving me over to stand behind Adam Hammond, I caught myself daydreaming about fairy tales.
"Harmon," the teacher said.
"Huh?" I asked, pulling myself out of my thoughts to see that there were no singing birds or talking mice.
She waved impatiently, and I quickly fell into line behind Adam.
When my name was finally called and I walked across the stage, I remember feeling very alone, and then feeling guilty for that thought as I looked out into the crowd and saw Alex. He was grinning and waving at me, so I managed a smile and I waved my fingers just a little. He snapped a picture as I was handed my diploma and I offered him one last smile, privately wishing that my mother could have been there. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, my attention fell on another bright camera flash, which I followed back to a familiar set of blue eyes. I didn't hold my smile as I looked out at Mike, and he lowered his camera, watching me as I finished making my way across the stage.
I wondered if he still thought of my mother.
I wondered if I would still think of Derek when I was Mike's age.
It was hard to imagine my life that far into the future, as it would have surely been for Mike and especially my mom—who apparently lacked that kind of sight into the future—when they were my age. Where would I be? Would I be married? Would I have children? Was Alex right, would Derek be a distant memory?
Perhaps, like my mother, I lacked the foresight, but I couldn't see any of those things in my future.
Envisioning Derek's future, I could picture him and Kayla at their child's graduation in 19 years, and I wondered if he would even remember me on that day. Would he think about the fact that he had given me up for the person walking across the stage, smiling and waving at him as he or she got that diploma?
Or would he simply forget? Once I was gone, would he completely move on with his life and make the best of things? That far in the future, would he even remember that he had given me up without having to intentionally brush the dust off my memory?
Once the ceremony was over, it was time for everyone to mingle and take pictures. Most people were gushing with their friends about high school memories and how great college was going to be, and true to myself, I was standing off to the side clutching my copy of Wuthering Heights in my hands and half-heartedly trying to find Alex.
I had finally decided I would let Fate take care of it—if I ran into Derek, I would give him the book. If I didn't, I would keep the book and never see Derek again since Alex and I were leaving town the following day to get settled in at our new home.
Stephanie smiled and said hi to me when she ran into me, but I noticed that she didn't stop to take a graduation picture with me.
I wasn't surprised.
Nobody had taken a picture with me.
As the people conversed loudly, I began to feel irritated. I had no idea where Alex was, and the conclusion of my high school career was not a nostalgic day for me, so I just wanted to find him and get a picture so I could take off the damn robe.
Finally, I felt someone come up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder.
My heart accelerated and I turned slowly to face him.
When I saw Alex, I hoped my face didn't visibly fall.
"Hey, kid. You ready to get out of that get-up?"
Smiling slightly, I said, "Definitely."
"Let's get a picture, then we can get out of here. Unless of course you want to stay," he added as an afterthought. "Visit with your friends one last time…"
Shooting him an ironic look, I said, "I don't have friends, Alex."
"Right," he said, frowning a little. "Well, I guess that narrows our options a bit, huh?" Catching the nearest person, he asked them to take a picture of the two of us, then he thanked them and handed me the camera.
"I'm going to go get the car, you can get changed and meet me out in front of the school, okay?"
I nodded and turned around to walk away from the crowd of people.
I didn't mean to feel disappointed. It wasn't like Derek even knew it was the last day he might ever set eyes on me, so I shouldn't have even expected to see him.