“Maybe,” he said, but didn’t sound very convincing even to himself. “I’m afraid it’s not possible to go back now. If I were a better or worse person, maybe, but I’m stuck somewhere in the middle.”
Willow stared at him for a moment, then she said, “I forgive you, you know.”
Even knowing she was trying to offer reassurance, hearing her say that only made him feel guiltier. “I hope you know you don’t have to protect me,” he stated, briefly meeting her gaze. “Whether or not you believe I acted with intent or under duress, it doesn’t matter.”
“I know that. I’m not worried about being a good person, Ethan,” she added with a wry smile. “If I didn’t feel like I should forgive you, I wouldn’t. I’m not really the ‘forgive and forget’ type.” Lifting her gaze to his, she narrowed her eyes just slightly, as if studying him. “I feel like… and this may sound completely crazy and I could be totally off-base, but I feel like maybe we’re the same in that regard.”
Frowning lightly, he asked, “How do you mean?”
“Well, you said it yourself, if you were a better person you would have taken a moral stand and refused to do it, even if it meant dying for your convictions. If you were a worse person, you wouldn’t be beating yourself up about it so much and you could just resume your life. We’re not good or bad, either one of us, we’re just straddling a line down the middle.”
He thought about it for a few seconds. “I can see your point about me, but I haven’t witnessed anything in you to convince me you’re not more or less good.”
Without looking at him, she smiled very slightly as she put her teriyaki beef back into the container. “I’m here right now, aren’t I?”
For a split second, his blood seemed to freeze in his veins. Unsure of what she meant by that, he regarded her semi-cautiously. “You needed someone to talk to.”
“Mm hmm,” she agreed with a nod. “And of all people, I reached out to you. I’m clearly a little more fucked up than you want to give me credit for.”
He had no intention to ask, despite his curiosity, but somehow when he opened his mouth, the words came spilling out. “Why were you a virgin?”
Cracking a half-ass smile, she shrugged as if it mattered less than it did. “I hadn’t met anyone I wanted to sleep with.”
“At 18?” he questioned.
“Is that so shocking?” she replied, lifting her eyebrows.
Immediately conciliatory, he said, “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to make you…self-conscious or anything.”
At tha
t, she actually laughed. “I’m not self-conscious. Why would I be? I’m not—” She paused, her amusement fading a little. “I wasn’t a virgin because I’m a troll. I’ve had offers, I just wasn’t interested. I don’t find it in any way embarrassing to have standards, and having sex isn’t much of an accomplishment. I know, I know, I’m a teenager so I’m supposed to be a wild, wanton creature, spreading my legs for any football player who smiles at me.” She rolled her eyes, shaking her head.
“I didn’t say that. I just wondered about it. I wasn’t trying to say you’re abnormal for not having sex, it just… I mean, you’re an attractive young lady, so I wouldn’t have expected it.”
“I could look like an English bulldog and still get laid,” she pointed out. “I’m a girl.”
Biting back a smile, he nodded. “That’s a great point.”
Willow nodded. “I take it you were not a virgin at 18?”
“I was not,” he verified.
“How old were you?”
“When I lost my virginity?” He laughed a little. “God. Well, I guess I was 16. My girlfriend at the time was also a virgin and she had high expectations for the first time—romantic dinner, probably some bullshit violinist going around to the tables, a hotel room full of rose petals and enough candles to light up the whole street.”
“I take it that is not what happened?” she asked with a smile.
Ethan shook his head, eyes dancing in amusement. “We had dinner at this crowded Italian restaurant on Valentine ’s Day and I gave her a pair of earrings, then when we left she wanted to park somewhere to give me my present, and we had sex in the back seat of the car.”
Grinning, Willow said, “She just didn’t know what to buy you.”
“A minute and a half of pleasure,” he joked.
“Priceless!”
“Exactly.” He was still smiling, shaking his head at the absurdity. “Ugh, it was terrible.”