Willow nodded her agreement and then took another drink of her Diet Coke. “Luckily I can just avoid it until I meet my professor.”
“Sounds like a plan,” he agreed. “At least aim for an unmarried one under 60.”
“Well, yeah,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Mid-thirties is probably the cut-off. I prefer not to date grandfathers before I’m legally able to drink.”
“Good God, you’re not even legally able to drink,” he said, shaking his head in bewilderment. “It’s probably past your bedtime, you shouldn’t even be here.”
Leveling a dry look in his direction, she said, “Okay, let’s not get carried away.”
“You know, you really don’t look 18,” he said, somewhat accusingly as his gaze swept her outfit briefly.
“Age is just a number,” she shot back cheekily.
Ethan merely shook his head. “I think your professor is going to be one lucky bastard.”
She winked. “I’ll tell him you said so.”
A moment passed and Ethan closed the unfinished container of Chinese food. It occurred to him that he probably shouldn’t take it home, since Amanda would wonder why he had gone out for Chinese food all by himself, and why he had ordered so much.
“So, sex in the backseat—that’s probably not very comfortable, huh?”
Ethan’s eyes widened. “What?”
She indicated the back seat with her thumb. “You said you lost your virginity in the backseat. Obviously I’ve never done that, but I always figured it would probably be pretty uncomfortable.”
“Oh.” It took him a few seconds to recover, then he said, “It can be. Depends on your position. I don’t think we should be talking about this.”
“We talked about it before,” she reminded him.
“Well, yeah… but that was different. I was just telling a story, not…”
Willow waited for him to elaborate, but words failed him. She flashed him a little smile. “I was just curious. I wasn’t suggesti
ng we try it.”
“I know,” he said, wincing a little when he heard how defensive he sounded. Realizing how far off course they had gone, he attempted to lead them back. “Anyway, we were out here to talk about your counseling, not my sex life.”
“As if there’s no overlap,” she remarked, but before he could even absorb it, she said, “I like this better. It’s nice to feel normal for a night.”
“This is normal to you?” he asked, his disbelief clear. “This is not normal to me.”
Willow closed the container with her remaining teriyaki beef, sensing their time was nearing its end. “I’m trying to reestablish normal. That’s why I’m trying to go on dates and stuff, but it’s hard because for me it’s just practice, but for them it’s real. I’m trying to regain control over certain aspects of myself, but I have no control over other people. I need a guinea pig, but when I go out with some hapless guy, it’s just like I’m using him or teasing him. I guess I don’t really know how to explain it.”
“You need a guinea pig in what way? To ease back into dating?”
“To ease back into everything. To…find my own sexuality again. To reaffirm that I don’t have to be afraid, that guys are going to respect my limits and my wants and my desires no matter what, but that isn’t true so how can I prove it to myself? I mean, it’s not the same—it’s not like my date’s likely to force me, but they still want more than I want to give and then I feel guilty. I want…to call the shots, just so I know I can. I don’t know how to explain what I mean without sounding stupid.”
“You don’t sound stupid,” he said softly. For a moment, he was quiet, then he said, “I don’t want you to end up in a bad situation though. Obviously your partner should respect your limits, but…”
He trailed off, looking for the right words, but failing to find them.
Willow didn’t need the words. She nodded. “That’s the problem. If a guy feels like I led him on, he could get pushy, and my luck I would find the one who would rape me, and then I would never trust another man ever again. The point is to prove that I can say no and a man who finds me sexually attractive will listen no matter what, not wind up in a situation where I actually have to say it and then he doesn’t listen.”
Upon reflection, that better explained the outfit she was wearing out to meet him. Since the horny high schoolers she knew clearly didn’t make her feel safe, she was branching out, spreading the temptation around a bit. She did want him to find her attractive, but only to prove a point.
“If it helps, I find you sexually attractive and I’ve been able to control myself.”
Willow smiled slightly. “Well, sure, but I also haven’t tempted you.”