Battle

Evelyn is gone.

I hug my friend as more tears fall.

“I’m so sorry, Faye. I know how close you were to her.”

I wail, crying out silently about hating cancer and life being unfair. I had grown close to Evelyn, especially when I was hardly speaking to my parents. I miss her terribly already.

I miss him terribly, too.

He’s gone.

And I’m afraid I’ll never get him back.

I haven’t spoken to Battle in four days, and now I stand across a casket from him in the pouring rain under a shroud of umbrellas as though we’re strangers. Many of Evelyn’s friends speak fondly of her, but the words from Gerald McCoy surprise me, bringing me to tears. He speaks of the love he should have never let go of, and a regret he’ll always carry.

While Mr. McCoy talks, Battle keeps his jaw set. He never once looks at his father. When Mr. McCoy makes an effort to console his son, Battle steps back and says something I don’t hear, but his father walks away.

I want desperately to go to Battle, comfort him, beg him to let me in, but the look he gives me as I approach him stops me in my tracks. He doesn’t want me. I have no clue how to keep my promise to Evelyn.

James hugs me and says hello to my parents. Erinn hugs my mother and then me. With tears, I tell her I love her and if she ever needs anything to call me. She hugs me again, and says, “He loves you.”

I smile and hold her close.

Battle does love me. I know it, but he doesn’t love me enough to move beyond his pain. He doesn’t love me how I deserve. And even knowing that, I’m determined to wait. To keep my promise to Evelyn. I’m not giving up without a fight. He needs time to get past losing his mother. I know him well enough now to know once he’s over his heartbreak, he’ll miss what we had. Like Grammy said, a love that’s true cannot be swayed, not even by one’s fear.

I skip the reception following the funeral to save myself the torture of being ignored by Battle.

My heart’s endured enough for one day.

For over two months, I’ve lived without a heart, without the love I crave, and without keeping my promise to Evelyn. Seventy-five days I’ve tried to keep my head above water, but I’m drowning in misery. I can’t swim fast enough to find a way to the surface.

The first couple of weeks, I called Battle several times a day. I showed up at his house and camped out on the front steps. He cut ties cleanly, and as easily as if he never knew me. I remember what Tucker said about how one day I’d be begging Battle to come back, and he wouldn’t even remember my name. I refuse to think Tucker was right about Battle.

I haven’t given up hope completely. I cling to the moments when I saw love in his beautiful blue eyes, and believe one day, he’ll want me back. I know he will. My parents and my friends have all tried to convince me otherwise. Especially Marty and Ginger, who’ve spent time with him. They say he never asks about me and has returned to his old ways.

I’ve spent a significant amount of my time with Wyatt, driving him to appointments and hanging out as friends. He’s now walking on his own again with the help of a cane. I don’t know if it’s the accident or me leaving him that changed him, but he’s different. His priorities have changed. I suppose a near death experience will do that to a person.

When I’m alone and hurt, I wish Wyatt had changed before I fell in love with Battle. Before I promised Evelyn I wouldn’t give up, because as I drown in heartache, all I want to do is give up.

New Wyatt makes me laugh and looks forward to seeing me. His previous peeves about how I dress or who my friends are, don’t rear themselves in ugly words. He’s become the man I always wanted him to be. I like new Wyatt a great deal, but not enough to give up on Battle. Not yet.

Today, I’m hanging out at his house and watching movies. We eat pizza and talk about the past. After the movie ends, Wyatt looks at me with concern. The way his eyes work back and forth over mine worries me. He’s going to say something that hurts, and before I can ask him not to, he says. “He doesn’t deserve you.”

“Wyatt, please. Don’t do this.”

“Don’t what? Tell you how sorry I am? How much I hate seeing you miserable? How much I miss you? How I want you back? It’s been months. He gone and I’m right here. I’ve changed, Faye, and I know there’s a part of you that still loves me.”

“There is a part of me, yes, but I’m deeply in love with him. I’m not willin’ to give up, yet. He’s still hurtin’. Losing his mother was devastatin’.”

“You once told me how a partner was someone who could be there with you to support you through the struggles. Why doesn’t that apply to him?”

I can’t hurt Wyatt with the truth; how I love Battle exponentially more than I ever loved him.

“I don’t know, Wyatt. It’s different.”

“It’s not if you stop tryin’ to deny he’s gone, and accept that he isn’t comin’ back. Think about it.”

“I can’t.” I get up off the couch and collect my things. “I have to go.”