As much fun as it was to toy with Zoe, she was akin to Ian. Virtually worthless. But there was someone else Simon would pay any price to keep safe.
Jerry picked up the second stack of photos and smiled at the lovely Margo Kagan. She was looking particularly gorgeous lately. Some new skincare regime perhaps. More likely a round of Botox, since they started younger every year.
He went through the same routine as he had with Zoe’s photos, dumping them into an envelope addressed to Margo. For the final one, he picked up his lighter. The flame caught, the fire licking eagerly at the paper.
This one wasn’t for the envelope. It was strictly for pleasure.
As the edges curled, he studied Margo’s pretty face, her hand securely wrapped in her husband’s. Such a touching romance. He was a sucker for love. As proven by the woman down the hall, even now crying for him.
Pity Simon and Margo’s fairy tale was just about to come to an end.
Twenty-Four
Jesus, I was fucked.
The night before, I’d blown off a meeting with Jerry’s “friend,” Robert. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew those kinds of meetings weren’t ones I could skip. But I hadn’t been in LA at the time. I’d been on my way back from my show, and all snuggled up with Zoe to boot. What was I supposed to tell her?
Oh, go on and occupy yourself for a bit, love. I’m just going to meet with the associate of the man I owe a cool million to. A
nd if I don’t pay? He’s going to kill me.
So, I’d said nothing. And now I was dealing with the situation as I tended to.
With a hefty dose of denial and personal pain.
I stepped inside the loo and let the door shut behind me. The bathroom at Ripper Records looked more like a parlor than a restroom. Even for the men. There was a little sitting room outside the urinal and stall area, for fuck’s sake.
Which was where I was dropped down to smoke a cig while I contemplated my inner arm.
I rolled up my long sleeve and pushed back the cords and bands I wore to disguise the marks. The circular wound had finally healed. The long hatch marks were far fainter. I’d only tried the one time, not long after I’d made the deal with Jerry. Protecting my mother had been half the reason I’d agreed. If I went to prison for what I’d done, who would be around to keep the blokes she hooked up with in line?
Not that I’d always won those fights. I’d always been a scrawny kid, and my years of not having a steady diet had probably taken their toll. But I’d been her last line of defense against men who tried to take more than she’d given.
Even now I was, though long distance. I wasn’t only beholden to Jerry because of the money he’d fronted for me. The charges his connections had gotten dropped. If I didn’t ante up, she could be made to pay my price.
Suicide wasn’t an escape for me. I didn’t have one. The mistakes I’d made in my early twenties would follow me to my grave and beyond.
I lifted the cigarette and stared at the glowing tip. The spot on my inner arm was already tingling. If I pushed it into the ruined flesh there, all this chaos in my head would just…stop. The pain would wash it all away until I could think clearly again. No more fretting about the money I didn’t have. No more wondering if I could run fast enough and make enough to placate Jerry so I wouldn’t have to be the asshole Simon already thought I was.
God, I didn’t want his money. I wanted my own. To be able to look at myself in the mirror without shame.
Most of all—somehow most of all, over everything—I wanted to be able to be with Zoe. To be worthy of her. I couldn’t be that if I continued on the same path I’d been on before I stepped foot in LA.
She’d kissed me goodbye this morning. In her own way, of course. She’d shoved me out the door and told me to buzz off, she had stuff to do. But she’d been smiling.
When I lifted my arm, I could smell her coconut body wash on my skin. As I knew she’d smell like me. If I could, I’d stay wrapped inside her and never leave.
I didn’t have that option.
Worse…was my even being close to her putting her in harm’s way?
I’d tried to shove down that feeling whenever it surfaced. For selfish reasons. I needed Zoe. They wouldn’t take their pound of flesh from her because I was the one they wanted.
Me and my brother.
The brother I’d come here to take advantage of. And now…I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t even sure why. Had love changed me? Both the love of my music and the love of—
No. I wasn’t there yet. She was a welcome respite, an oasis for me in the middle of insanity. But I’d never been in love with anyone. To fall now would be madness.