But I dropped my backpack next to the sleeping bag where Tray and I now spent each night, and sat at the table to look through the relics of a broken family.
He had class tonight, and a test. He hadn’t been studying, and in fact, hadn’t even intended to go this evening until I reminded him tomorrow wasn’t the end of our lives. We’d still wake up Saturday morning. We’d still be together, and Carly’s giggles would still ring in my ears when I closed my eyes. Every moment I’d lived through until this point was worth it, as long as my baby sister was still laughing.
I was fighting with everything I was to ensure that would remain true.
“Look at this picture of Fox,” Carly said, sliding the faded snapshot across the table to me. “He’s almost naked.”
Carly’s loud laughter brought Vey running as if she’d called him for dinner. He’d spent all week at the groomer’s, who happened to also be Tray’s friend. The apartment was crowded enough that adding the pup to the mix seemed like overkill, but we’d both missed him. His happy yips and the way he stood on his hind legs with his paws in my lap made me grin in spite of the sharpened blade I could feel against the back of my neck every time I took a full breath.
This was normalcy, and I’d do battle with Satan himself to hold onto it.
“Yeah, check out that droopy diaper.” I laughed at the picture, running my thumb over the corner to smooth the curled edges. I wanted to make a scrapbook. I’d meant to do that with Carly’s pictures for years, the ones taken after Mom had died, but I’d never gotten around to it.
Now I would. I had a family, and I wanted to keep their pictures close and within reach.
Ruffling Vey’s butter-soft fur, I glanced at Mrs. Knox. Her deep blue eyes, so like her son’s, were more than a little misty
. “Would you mind if I kept this one?”
“No. You can keep whichever ones you would like. That’s why I brought them here. I wanted you to have some.”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
“I know Elliott and I haven’t always been the best to you,” she said quietly, her attention solely on the photo of Tray I still clutched. “We didn’t think you were the right influence for Tray.”
“I’m not.” I shrugged as her head came up in surprise. “No arguments there.”
“Bullshit,” Carly said, shaking her head. “Some people go together like PB & J. You’re so his peanut butter, Ame. Don’t even try to deny it.”
I started to issue the standard responses. He could do better than me. This isn’t going to last. He’ll get tired of me eventually. All my usual fears, the ones that used to keep me up at night until possibly losing the people I love had become a real possibility. Now none of that mattered anymore.
“He’s my heart.”
It took me a moment to realize I’d spoken aloud. And then I forced myself to sit there stoic in the face of the truth, not shying away from it. If I could physically face anyone who dared step into a ring with me, I could admit I loved my boyfriend to my sister and his mother.
I could admit to myself how much I had to risk.
“As you’re his,” Mrs. Knox said finally, giving me a faint smile. “It wasn’t easy to see at first. He’s my baby boy. My only child.”
“Like I am with Carly.”
She startled at that. “But Carly’s your sister.”
“She’s all I’ve had for so many years. I didn’t know how to let anyone in.” I reached across the table to brush my hand over her long, flowing hair, smiling a little as she ducked her head and pushed my hand away. “No one is good enough for her. It’s not possible. If I could keep her in a protective bubble forever, I would.” I met her shining blue eyes and swallowed. “I’d give up my own life to see her safe. Without thought.”
Mrs. Knox nodded, her throat working. “You do understand.”
“You can’t say stuff like that anymore. Can’t think it either. You have more than just me now.”
I nodded. “Yeah.” But having more than her in my life didn’t change reality. If it ever came down to me or Carly, I’d take the fist—or the bullet. I couldn’t face the alternative.
“Besides, I’m good. I’m in school now, and I’m rocking it. I’m going to be a world-famous chef in no time.” Her bravado rang slightly false, a note played just out of key. But I didn’t question it, because I wanted to believe with every fiber that it was true.
We were all going to be just fine.
“Speaking of food, I don’t suppose you have anything in mind for dinner? I’ve gotten used to your wonderful cooking very quickly.” Mrs. Knox asked. Even Vey laid his snout hopefully on the table.
“Oh, I do.” She clapped her hands and rushed over to the counter. “I got a great recipe for spanakopita from a classmate today. Thought we could do some baklava too, make it a total Greek feast.” She pulled out the spinach and the phyllo dough, then turned to glance my way. “When will the boy be home?”