“It’s been more since you first looked at me, and I looked at you.”
“Don’t.” She covered her face with her hands. “You aren’t going to tell me what you’re doing with them, or why you’d stay in their company after what they made us do. Whatever your reason is, it’s bigger than all of that. Way bigger than any stupid flickers of attraction—”
“Is that what you’d call this?” I clenched my jaw. “A flicker of attraction?”
“I’d call it a mistake.”
She was right, so what could I say? Arguing with her wouldn’t be fair to her—or to me, because I was no longer capable of being the kind of man she needed. Clean-cut, stand up. The kind who wouldn’t pull another woman onto his lap in the time it took for her to wash her hands. Extenuating circumstances didn’t change the reality of who I was.
Who I’d become.
“I understand why you need to strip.” I cleared my throat at her snort. “Okay, no, I don’t. But you said you have reasons, that it used to be enjoyable to you.”
“The money’s enjoyable. It’s nice not needing to lean on my sister. The dancing…well, I’d probably enjoy it just as much with my clothes on. Hindsight being twenty/twenty and all.”
“I meant what I said earlier about sticking with you while you’re at the club. So if you’re going to be there, I’m going to be with you. I’d like to say it’s a democracy and you have a choice. On everything else, you do. On this one thing, you don’t. You can’t.” When she started to speak, I reached out for her hand and set it on my thigh. “I need to make sure you’re safe, tesoro. Not because you can’t do it on your own, but because I want to help.”
“So. Not. Fair.”
I smiled and rubbed my thumb over her knuckles. She had such delicate hands, pale, soft. But such strength existed under their fragile appearance. I’d seen her wield a knife. Felt her grip my cock.
“I can’t offer you more than this.” I pulled to the curb about a block from my building. I could’ve parked closer, but I wanted—needed—the walk. “I can be your friend, and I can be your protector, and behind closed doors, I can be your lover. But I can’t be your boyfriend.”
“Why?”
Such a simple question. So impossible to answer. “I was in love once. It didn’t end well. I won’t do it again.”
“I never have,” she said softly. “Been in love. I’ve been in serious like and serious lust. And to be honest, I don’t have room in my life right now for a big time love. I have school, and work, and my family. But I can always make room for a friend and a lover. Protector…well, as long as you’re cool with getting some of that back too, then I guess that works.”
“What does that mean?” I was almost afraid to ask.
With Carly, it could mean anything.
“It means shut up and kiss me before I spontaneously combust.”
I turned off the truck and pocketed the keys. Shifting toward her, I lifted her hand still cupped in mine to my mouth. One by one, I kissed each of her fingertips. They were cool, small, with hints of calluses from her work in the kitchen. Gentle and tough, both.
When I finished with one hand, I reached for the other and gave it the same treatment. I looked up and her eyes were shining, the streetlights reflected in their depths.
“Not what you meant?” I asked softly.
“No, not what I meant,” she echoed, equally soft. “But it was even better.”
We got out of the truck and met on the sidewalk. It felt weird to hold out my hand for hers, as if I was doing something wrong. As if Emilia could see me. That she would know I had feelings for this girl, even though we’d just agreed all we would be to each other was this, in the
dark. But it didn’t feel casual or insignificant as her fingers curled around mine and she leaned her head on my shoulder on the walk to my building.
“This…whatever we’re doing,” she circled her finger in the air between us, “it’s just us, right? No one else, until it’s done.”
Until it’s done. Sounded so simple, final and clean.
Nothing had been simple or clean in my life for a very long time.
“No,” I agreed. “No one else.” I waited a beat, searched for the right words. Or at least ones that weren’t wrong. “You might see me with other women now and then, and that can’t be avoided. But I give you my word, you’ll be the only one I touch behind closed doors.”
“Since you’ll definitely see me dancing for other men, I suppose I won’t bitch too much.”
Not the same at all, but maybe that was her idea of a compromise. She wouldn’t ask me about my business if I didn’t pressure her about hers.